A Very Versace Chanukah
Donatella Versace…..Maya Rudolph
Ozzy Osbourne…..Horatio Sanz
Sharon Osbourne…..Amy Poehler
Roy…..Robert De Niro
Donatella Versace: Oh, Happy Chanukah, everybody. I love Chanukah so much, you know nothing reminds me more of Chanukah than Christmas. [sings: “It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year”]
Donatella Versace: Oh the holidays, I’m loving it. Welcome to my special, where we are going to get back to what the holidays are really about – looking good, smoking and champagne. It’s also a time to remember all the people in the world that are in need – for example, I am in need of booze. Seriously, I have gone down to my last case of champagne! [sings: “It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year”] [throws bottle of champagne] [doorbell rings]
Donatella Versace: Okay, If that’s not the liquor delivery, somebody is going down![Ozzy Osbourne enters the living room]
Ozzy Osbourne: Jack, Jack..
Donatella Versace: Oh, look, everybody, it’s Ozzy Osbourne. Happy holidays, Ozzy.
Ozzy Osbourne: [mumbling] I can’t get the remote to work. You have to have computer knowledge to turn the bloody TV on now.
Donatella Versace: Oh, you are right – Chanukah is terrific, Ozzy. Let’s go stand by the fire and sing Christmas songs.[both grab a marshmallow on a stick, and sing “Jingle Bells”, then place the Marshmallow in the fireplace]
Donatella Versace: Ozzy Osbourne, you crazy bitch, why do you talk like that? Nobody can understand you.
Ozzy Osbourne: AAAAAAHHH fire[marshmallow is on fire]
Donatella Versace: Fire oh FFFIIIIIIIRREE.[Sharon Osbourne enters the living room]
Sharon Osbourne: Oh, all right, Ozzy, calm down. [Sharon puts out the fire]
Donatella Versace: Thank you, Sharon, my face is very flammable.
Sharon Osbourne: Thank you for looking after Ozzy, Donatella. Oh, look.. Donatella has doggies too.
Donatella Versace: No, no, no – all those poops came out of Naomi Campbell.
Sharon Osbourne: Thank you for looking after Ozzy, Donatella. He must have wandered off.
Donatella Versace: Yeah. Yeah, well, it’s time to wander back. [singing as “Jingle Bells”] Get out of here, get out of here, get out of here, get out!!!
Sharon Osbourne: All right. We’ve got to go, daddy. Jack just smacked Kelly, and she’s pressing charges.
Ozzy Osbourne: All right.. Monkeys …. Alchohol …. Wizard Shoes.
Sharon Osbourne: All right, daddy! Let’s go, let’s go, daddy![they exit]
Donatella Versace: That was a disaster. Seriously, I think the holidays suck. You know what would make us all feel better? Me sitting on Santa’s lap. SSSAAAANNNTTAAA![Santa comes in, Donatella sits in his lap.]
Donatella Versace: I want a speed boat, the power to become invisible, and banjo lessons.
Donatella Versace: Oh, holy crap, that scared me! If that’s not the liquor man, I’ll be forced to drink this [shows a bottle of Versace Blue Jeans Cologne] Versace Blue Jeans, the cologne that smells like booze! [throws the bottle] [Roy of Siegfired and Roy enters]
Roy: Oh Donatella, Donatella.
Donatella Versace: Oh, look, everybody – it’s the world’s most magical weiner lover, Seigfried & Roy’s Roy. Happy Chanukah, Roy, you seem so upset.
Roy: Happy Chanukah, Donatella.
Donatella Versace: Here, chug this. [gives him liquor]
Roy: Donatella, look at me. I am crying a river here.
Donatella Versace: Yeah, you are getting circus snot all over my holiday special.
Roy: But, Donatella, I am having the saddest holiday ever.
Donatella Versace: Go tell me about it, Gay Wad.
Roy: It was horrible! Seigfried and I got into a fight. [Roy reads a poem he made for Seigfreid]
Donatella Versace: Oh this is a nightmare!!![Seigfried enters the living room]
Donatella Versace: Ugh, Christmas on a cracker! It’s the other one.
Seigfried: I bought you something. [shows a stuffed albino tiger]
Roy: An Albino tiger, how did you know?
Seigfried: We’ve worked with Albino tigers for the past 27 years.
Roy: I love you Seigfried! [Kisses Seigfried]
Donatella Versace: All right, you two christmas fruit cakes – quit breathing on each other and get out!!!!! Yeah, yeah listen, I have learned nothing about Chanukah. But since this is going down the poop shoot, I guess I can sing you one last song. “Frosty the snow man, blah blah blah bli blah bli blue” Tell me about the liquor man. [false snow is falling in the room] I think I just lost my vision. which means I wont be able to tell if any of you people have gotten out or not, nevertheless please get out. Can someone tell me why it’s snowing in my living room?[fades out]
Thanks to Daylis for this transcript!