A Very Versace Chanukah

02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones

A Very Versace Chanukah

Donatella Versace…..Maya Rudolph
Ozzy Osbourne…..Horatio Sanz
Sharon Osbourne…..Amy Poehler
Roy…..Robert De Niro
Seigfried…..Harvey Kietel


Donatella Versace: Oh, Happy Chanukah, everybody. I love Chanukah so much, you know nothing reminds me more of Chanukah than Christmas. [sings: “It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year”]

Donatella Versace: Oh the holidays, I’m loving it. Welcome to my special, where we are going to get back to what the holidays are really about – looking good, smoking and champagne. It’s also a time to remember all the people in the world that are in need – for example, I am in need of booze. Seriously, I have gone down to my last case of champagne! [sings: “It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year”]

[throws bottle of champagne]

[doorbell rings]

Donatella Versace: Okay, If that’s not the liquor delivery, somebody is going down!

[Ozzy Osbourne enters the living room]

Ozzy Osbourne: Jack, Jack..

Donatella Versace: Oh, look, everybody, it’s Ozzy Osbourne. Happy holidays, Ozzy.

Ozzy Osbourne: [mumbling] I can’t get the remote to work. You have to have computer knowledge to turn the bloody TV on now.

Donatella Versace: Oh, you are right – Chanukah is terrific, Ozzy. Let’s go stand by the fire and sing Christmas songs.

[both grab a marshmallow on a stick, and sing “Jingle Bells”, then place the Marshmallow in the fireplace]

Donatella Versace: Ozzy Osbourne, you crazy bitch, why do you talk like that? Nobody can understand you.

Ozzy Osbourne: AAAAAAHHH fire

[marshmallow is on fire]

Donatella Versace: Fire oh FFFIIIIIIIRREE.

[Sharon Osbourne enters the living room]

Sharon Osbourne: Oh, all right, Ozzy, calm down. [Sharon puts out the fire]

Donatella Versace: Thank you, Sharon, my face is very flammable.

Sharon Osbourne: Thank you for looking after Ozzy, Donatella. Oh, look.. Donatella has doggies too.

Donatella Versace: No, no, no – all those poops came out of Naomi Campbell.

Sharon Osbourne: Thank you for looking after Ozzy, Donatella. He must have wandered off.

Donatella Versace: Yeah. Yeah, well, it’s time to wander back. [singing as “Jingle Bells”] Get out of here, get out of here, get out of here, get out!!!

Sharon Osbourne: All right. We’ve got to go, daddy. Jack just smacked Kelly, and she’s pressing charges.

Ozzy Osbourne: All right.. Monkeys …. Alchohol …. Wizard Shoes.

Sharon Osbourne: All right, daddy! Let’s go, let’s go, daddy!

[they exit]

Donatella Versace: That was a disaster. Seriously, I think the holidays suck. You know what would make us all feel better? Me sitting on Santa’s lap. SSSAAAANNNTTAAA!

[Santa comes in, Donatella sits in his lap.]

Donatella Versace: I want a speed boat, the power to become invisible, and banjo lessons.

[Doorbell rings, Donatella Jumps]

Donatella Versace: Oh, holy crap, that scared me! If that’s not the liquor man, I’ll be forced to drink this [shows a bottle of Versace Blue Jeans Cologne] Versace Blue Jeans, the cologne that smells like booze! [throws the bottle]

[Roy of Siegfired and Roy enters]

Roy: Oh Donatella, Donatella.

Donatella Versace: Oh, look, everybody – it’s the world’s most magical weiner lover, Seigfried & Roy’s Roy. Happy Chanukah, Roy, you seem so upset.

Roy: Happy Chanukah, Donatella.

Donatella Versace: Here, chug this. [gives him liquor]

Roy: Donatella, look at me. I am crying a river here.

Donatella Versace: Yeah, you are getting circus snot all over my holiday special.

Roy: But, Donatella, I am having the saddest holiday ever.

Donatella Versace: Go tell me about it, Gay Wad.

Roy: It was horrible! Seigfried and I got into a fight. [Roy reads a poem he made for Seigfreid]

Donatella Versace: Oh this is a nightmare!!!

[Seigfried enters the living room]

Roy: Seigfried!

Seigfried: Roy!

Donatella Versace: Ugh, Christmas on a cracker! It’s the other one.

Seigfried: I bought you something. [shows a stuffed albino tiger]

Roy: An Albino tiger, how did you know?

Seigfried: We’ve worked with Albino tigers for the past 27 years.

Roy: I love you Seigfried! [Kisses Seigfried]

Donatella Versace: All right, you two christmas fruit cakes – quit breathing on each other and get out!!!!! Yeah, yeah listen, I have learned nothing about Chanukah. But since this is going down the poop shoot, I guess I can sing you one last song. “Frosty the snow man, blah blah blah bli blah bli blue” Tell me about the liquor man. [false snow is falling in the room] I think I just lost my vision. which means I wont be able to tell if any of you people have gotten out or not, nevertheless please get out. Can someone tell me why it’s snowing in my living room?[fades out]

Thanks to Daylis for this transcript!

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