A Very Versace Chanukah


02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones

A Very Versace Chanukah

Donatella Versace…..Maya Rudolph
Ozzy Osbourne…..Horatio Sanz
Sharon Osbourne…..Amy Poehler
Roy…..Robert De Niro
Seigfried…..Harvey Kietel

Donatella Versace: Oh, Happy Chanukah, everybody. I love Chanukah so much, you know nothing reminds me more of Chanukah than Christmas. [sings: “It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year”]

Donatella Versace: Oh the holidays, I’m loving it. Welcome to my special, where we are going to get back to what the holidays are really about – looking good, smoking and champagne. It’s also a time to remember all the people in the world that are in need – for example, I am in need of booze. Seriously, I have gone down to my last case of champagne! [sings: “It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year”] [throws bottle of champagne] [doorbell rings]

Donatella Versace: Okay, If that’s not the liquor delivery, somebody is going down!

[Ozzy Osbourne enters the living room]

Ozzy Osbourne: Jack, Jack..

Donatella Versace: Oh, look, everybody, it’s Ozzy Osbourne. Happy holidays, Ozzy.

Ozzy Osbourne: [mumbling] I can’t get the remote to work. You have to have computer knowledge to turn the bloody TV on now.

Donatella Versace: Oh, you are right – Chanukah is terrific, Ozzy. Let’s go stand by the fire and sing Christmas songs.

[both grab a marshmallow on a stick, and sing “Jingle Bells”, then place the Marshmallow in the fireplace]

Donatella Versace: Ozzy Osbourne, you crazy bitch, why do you talk like that? Nobody can understand you.

Ozzy Osbourne: AAAAAAHHH fire

[marshmallow is on fire]

Donatella Versace: Fire oh FFFIIIIIIIRREE.

[Sharon Osbourne enters the living room]

Sharon Osbourne: Oh, all right, Ozzy, calm down. [Sharon puts out the fire]

Donatella Versace: Thank you, Sharon, my face is very flammable.

Sharon Osbourne: Thank you for looking after Ozzy, Donatella. Oh, look.. Donatella has doggies too.

Donatella Versace: No, no, no – all those poops came out of Naomi Campbell.

Sharon Osbourne: Thank you for looking after Ozzy, Donatella. He must have wandered off.

Donatella Versace: Yeah. Yeah, well, it’s time to wander back. [singing as “Jingle Bells”] Get out of here, get out of here, get out of here, get out!!!

Sharon Osbourne: All right. We’ve got to go, daddy. Jack just smacked Kelly, and she’s pressing charges.

Ozzy Osbourne: All right.. Monkeys …. Alchohol …. Wizard Shoes.

Sharon Osbourne: All right, daddy! Let’s go, let’s go, daddy!

[they exit]

Donatella Versace: That was a disaster. Seriously, I think the holidays suck. You know what would make us all feel better? Me sitting on Santa’s lap. SSSAAAANNNTTAAA!

[Santa comes in, Donatella sits in his lap.]

Donatella Versace: I want a speed boat, the power to become invisible, and banjo lessons.

[Doorbell rings, Donatella Jumps]

Donatella Versace: Oh, holy crap, that scared me! If that’s not the liquor man, I’ll be forced to drink this [shows a bottle of Versace Blue Jeans Cologne] Versace Blue Jeans, the cologne that smells like booze! [throws the bottle] [Roy of Siegfired and Roy enters]

Roy: Oh Donatella, Donatella.

Donatella Versace: Oh, look, everybody – it’s the world’s most magical weiner lover, Seigfried & Roy’s Roy. Happy Chanukah, Roy, you seem so upset.

Roy: Happy Chanukah, Donatella.

Donatella Versace: Here, chug this. [gives him liquor]

Roy: Donatella, look at me. I am crying a river here.

Donatella Versace: Yeah, you are getting circus snot all over my holiday special.

Roy: But, Donatella, I am having the saddest holiday ever.

Donatella Versace: Go tell me about it, Gay Wad.

Roy: It was horrible! Seigfried and I got into a fight. [Roy reads a poem he made for Seigfreid]

Donatella Versace: Oh this is a nightmare!!!

[Seigfried enters the living room]

Roy: Seigfried!

Seigfried: Roy!

Donatella Versace: Ugh, Christmas on a cracker! It’s the other one.

Seigfried: I bought you something. [shows a stuffed albino tiger]

Roy: An Albino tiger, how did you know?

Seigfried: We’ve worked with Albino tigers for the past 27 years.

Roy: I love you Seigfried! [Kisses Seigfried]

Donatella Versace: All right, you two christmas fruit cakes – quit breathing on each other and get out!!!!! Yeah, yeah listen, I have learned nothing about Chanukah. But since this is going down the poop shoot, I guess I can sing you one last song. “Frosty the snow man, blah blah blah bli blah bli blue” Tell me about the liquor man. [false snow is falling in the room] I think I just lost my vision. which means I wont be able to tell if any of you people have gotten out or not, nevertheless please get out. Can someone tell me why it’s snowing in my living room?[fades out]

Thanks to Daylis for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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