TV Funhouse


02h: Al Gore / Phish

TV Funhouse

[ open on Charlie Brown mulling over his decrepit bare-branched Christmas tree, to the sounds of soft Christmas music ]

Charlie Brown: Ugh! Everything I touch gets ruined!

[ with head hung low, Charle Brown sullenly walks away from his tree ]

Linus: [ holds the branch up high ] I never thought it was such a bad little tree.. Maybe it just needs a little love.

[ Linus and company crowd around the tree, wave their arms about, and suddnely the tree is decorated in full and shining brightly ] [ music stops, as the group stared ocnfusedly at the once-puny tree ]

Schroeder: What did we just do?

Violet: All I did was wave my arms around!

Lucy: Wait a minute.. over here.

[ the gang crowd around a broken-down abandoned car, wave their arms about, and suddenly reveal a bow-topped Porsche ]

Kid: Wow.

Sally: We possess an awesome power!

[ the gang crowd around a homeless bum with a cardboard “Please Help I’m Homeless” sign, waves their arms about, and reveal the same bum with a flashy neon “Please Help I’m Homelss” sign ] [ the gang crowd around a street hooker, wave their arms about, and reveal Christina Aguilera ] [ the gang crowd around two kids making angels in the snow, wave their arms about, and reveal the angels coming to life and taking the kids’ souls away ] [ the gang crowd around Liza Minelli and David Gest, wave their arms about, and reveal a classier-looking David Gest with an attractive hunk of man; pleased with the results, David hands the gang a big bag of money ]

Lucy: You blockhead! This whole time, we could have been making money!

[ well-known Charlie Brown theme music plays, as people crowd around Lucy’s psychiatrity booth to pay for hand-waving makeovers ] [ the gang crowd around Sally Jesse Raphael, wave their arms about, and turn Sally into a more attractive woman still in a pair of red glasses ] [ the gang crowd around a man rubbing his girlfriend’s ass, wave their arms about, giving the man a bigger hand with which to rub his girlfriend’s ass ] [ the gang crowd around Michael Jackson holding his baby with a diaper over his head, wave their arms about, turning the baby into a more-evolved human form now punching Jackson in the face ] [ the gang crowd around Anna Nicole Smith, wave their arms about, turning Anna into Ozzy Osbourne, who chomps the head off his pet dog ] [ Charlie Brown re-enters scene, aghast at the events unfolding before him ]

Charlie Brown: What’s going on here?

Lucy: This has been the most lucrative Christmas ever, Charlie Brown!

Charlie Brown: What about the real meaning of Christmas?

Linus: He’s right!

[ the gang crowd around Charlie Brown, wave their arms about, and suddenly Charlie has a full head of luxurious hair ]

Charlie Brown: Wow!

Linus: Good grief!

[ the gang crowd around Woodstock’s birdbath, wave their arms about, turning the birdbath into a pool filled with two hot blondes ] [ the gang crowd around the empty sky, wave their arms about, placing a decorated sun in the sky ] [ the gang crowd around Schroeder, wave their arms about, turning him into rock group Phish ] [ the gang crowd around a grumbling Snoopy, wave their arms about, turning him into a golden idol statue ] [ the gang crowd around Marcy and Peppermint Patty, wave their arms about, turning them into two tall kissing lesbians ] [ Having had enough, Linus steps in to voice his dissatisfaction ]

Linus: Blasphemers! [ the action stops, as he quotes from the Bible ] “Woe unto thee. Put off thine ornaments from thee. Ye who sinned in the sight of God shall be blotted out from his book. He shall visit thy sin upon thee, that his wrath may burn hot and consume thee.”

Lucy: You blockhead!

Linus: Lights, please?

[ a lightning bolt zaps onto the land, making the message clear ] [ dissolve to everything returned to normal, except for the lesbians ]

Charlie Brown: Good-bye.. lesbians..

[ the lesbians are turned back into Marcy and Peppermint Patty ]

Linus: You still need to do a good deed, to make it Christmas again.

Lucy: Follow me!

[ the gang make their way to the NBC News Studio, where anchor Tom Brokaw is delivering the nightly news about the situation in Iraq ] [ the gang crowd around Tom Brokaw, wave their arms about, turning him into Brad Pitt, who, thusly, continues the newscast ]

Charlie Brown Gang: Merry Christmas, everyone!!

[ the gang break into a chorus of “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing!”, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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