Hardball


02h: Al Gore / Phish

Hardball

Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
Amy Sanborn…..Amy Poehler
Trent Lott…..Al Gore
Rev. Al Sharpton…..Tracy Morgan


Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews! This week, Iraq handed over a 12,000-page document, detailing every missile, gun, and pointed stick they got! They think they can still avoid a war! Guys! Save yourselves the paperwork! We’re gonna invade ya’! You got a better chance of keeping Liza Minelli out of the medicine cabinet! Meanwhile, at home, as Campaign 2004 prepares to blast off, President Bush fires Pitt, fires O’Neill, fires Lindsey, Kissinger just stepped down. The Bush team has fewer original members than Destiny’s Child! Does all this upheaval weakened Bush’s chances of re-election. Or, as the Democratic Party said – knock-kneed and gutless – they couldn’t win a Presidential campaign against Carrot Top! With us tonight: lead strategist for the Democratic National Committee, Amy Sanborn!

Amy Sanborn: Nice to be here, Chris.

Chris Matthews: I’ve known you for three seconds, I’m already bored! Also joining us: he caused a scandal this week when he said America would have been better off if we’d elected Strom Thurmond President in 1948, Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott!

Trent Lott: Nice to be here, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Senator Lott! High ranking members of both parties are calling for you to step down after your comments about Sen. Thurmond, who was a segregationist! Does your bonehead behavior spell trouble for Republicans?

Trent Lott: Chris. When I said our country wouldn’t have all these problems if Strom Thurmond had been elected President, it had nothing to do with segregation. I simply meant that things would have been better if Thurmond were President, because he would have kept white people and black peole separate. I just hate it when Liberals take me out of context like that.

Chris Matthews: Why do I get the feeling you thought “Birth Of A Nation” was the feel-good hit of the summer! Is this the kind of thing Democrats will point to at election time?

Amy Sanborn: [ chuckles ] Chris, we have bigger fish to fry. Democrats need to show how our agenda is different than the Republicans. For example, Republicans want to go to war with Iraq; we only support such a war. Republicans want privatized Social Security; we believe Social Security should be privatized. Yuo see? There are key differences.

Chris Matthews: Yeah, here’s one key difference – there are no Democrats in office any more!

Trent Lott: Chris? Chris. It has come to my attention that some of my comments about Strom Thurmond a minute ago, may have been construed as racially insensitive. Let me apologize. I meant on disrespect to no white people. I, myself, am a white man, and some, if not all of my best friends are white. And let me make this clear: as long as we are in office, we will leave no white person behind.

Chris Matthews: Senator, you’re shedding a lot of light on the situation. Unfortunately, the light’s coming from a cross you just set on fire! Amy Sanborn! Amy, should the Senator Grand Wizard here be punished?

Amy Sanborn: Chris, the Democratic Party condemns Senator Lott’s comments. We believe they are deplorable and worthy of censure. Unless, somehow it turns out everyone is cool with what he said, in which case, so are we!

Chris Matthews: I wanna try something! Hey, Sanborn! Republicans want to outlaw kitty cats!

Amy Sanborn: [ chuckling ] Who doesn’t!

Chris Matthews: Republicans want “Baby Got Back” to be the National Anthem!

Amy Sanborn: [ chuckling ] Democrats have always loved that song!

Chris Matthews: Republicans want to put Osama bin Laden on the Supreme Court!

Amy Sanborn: It’s about time.

Chris Matthews: Whoa.. wowie-wow-wow-wow! God! Joining us tonight to comment on this mess, is one of “Hardball”‘s most dependable lunatics: Rev. Al Sharpton!

Rev. Al Sharpton: [ gruff ] Hello, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Rev. Sharpton! You heard what Reich”s Marshall Lott has said about Strom Thurmond! You gotta be chompin’ at the bit to lace into this goose-stepper!

Rev. Al Sharpton: Well, actually, Chris, I’m not. Senator Lott made a mistake. He has apologized for it, and I’m prepared to accept his apology and move on.

Chris Matthews: Really?

Rev. Al Sharpton: Hell no!! This is an outrage! There are no words to express my anger! I’m so mad, I made some words up! That’s how mad I am! [ begins to chant random made-up words, to the delight of Chris Matthews ]

Chris Matthews: [ laughing heartily ] Nicely done, Reverend! I didn’t see that coming! Anyone want to respond to the crazy noises coming out of Sharpton’s mouth!

Trent Lott: If I may, Chris? Too much emphasis has been placed on Sen. Thurmond’s pro-segregation campaign. There was a lot more to his 1948 platform. He wanted to make it illegal for black people and white people to marry each other. He had great ideas for raising tax revenue, like making black people pay to vote. The man is a genius!

Chris Matthews: As soon as I finish counting all the ways that’s stupid, I’ll start yelling at ya’! Reverend, you wanna hit us with any more crazy words?

Rev. Al Sharpton: Sorry, Chris! I’m out of words. I’m so angry, all I can do is mak faces, like this. [ rubs his face and pouts his lips out ]

Chris Matthews: Thank you, Rev. Gumby! We’re gonna take a break! When we come back, Trent lott explains why America would be better off if the Germans had won World War II! Abada “Hahbah!”

SNL Transcripts

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