DJ Jonathan Feinstein…..Seth Myers
Professor Ralph Wormley Curtis…..Al Gore
(open to Jarret’s Room)
Jarret: Hey! What’s up everybody! It’s me Jarret coming to you from McGinn Hall hear in Hampshire College. Well folks Christmas is almost here and I already got everything I wanted. Two tickets to the sold out New Year’s Eve concert to the legendary Vermont based jam band Phish.I’m so phsyed! There my favorite group because it’s the only band that you can get kicked out of their concerts for not being high enough. Now give it up for my house band D.J. Jonathan Feinstein.
DJ Jonathan Feinstein: Hey Jarret are you ready to rock!
Jarret: You must be the gay cop from the Village People.
DJ Jonathan Feinstein: Merry Christmas, Jarret!
Jarret: Joining me now is my best freind and roommate, Goby.
Goby: Ho Ho HO HO HO HO ! Merry Christmas! Hey I got a bag full of goodies.
Jarret: Oh cool give me one! Give me one! Oh dude get that out of my room, you could get arrested for that. Were’d you get that much.
Goby: Santa Claus came to my house last night.
Jarret: What does Santa Claus look like?
Goby: Chinese guy,gotee, had a beeper.
Jarret: I think you might have a serious drug problem man. Ok I’d like to bring out our first guest a professor here at Hampshire, Professor Ralph Wormley Curtis.
Prof. Ralph Wormley Curtis: Hello, Jarret!
Goby: What’s up Doc! Ha ha ha he’s a doctor right.
Jarret: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Goby: What’s up man!
Prof. Ralph Wormley Curtis: That’s very funny, Goby. Boys I came down here to clarify a mixup down at the registers office. According to our record the two of you haven’t been to class in two and a half years.
Jarret: That sounds about right.
Prof. Ralph Wormley Curtis: In fact we never would have know you were here, but Goby turned in his first term paper since 1997.
Goby: I did? Dude I told you I was smart.
Prof. Ralph Wormley Curtis: Unfortunately! It was one sentence long and was written in pepperoni on top of a pizza.
Goby: Yeah! So!
Prof. Ralph Wormley Curtis: You ate part of it.
Goby: Yeah part of it! (someone knocks on the door) Oh that’s for me. I’ll get it. (Goby opens the door and Phish walks in) Hey!
Jarret: Oh my god! No way! Oh my god,Dude! Oh dude! That’s Phish!
Phish Band Member: Hey Jarret we were just driving through on the tour bus and thought we’d stop on by we love your show.
Jarret: wow! You watch my show.
Phish Band Member: No we acidentally ran over Goby with our tour bus.
Phish Band Member: Yeah! He was passed out on the road and threatened to sue us if we didn’t come on the show.
Jarret: Goby you got ran over by Phish!
Goby: Phish? I thought it was Chuck Norris.
Jarret: Seriously guys I’m like your biggest fan.
Goby: Yeah man I love Walker,Texas Ranger. Awesome! Oh man!
Goby: I almost forgot last night Chuck Norris ran me over with a van.
Jarret: Yeah! Yeah! I heard about that.
Goby: Yeah man! I would have fought him but he knows karate. You know I took hold of the situation and I decided to exzute!
Prof. Ralph Wormley Curtis: Well if it isn’t Mr. Anastacio, Mr. McConnell, Mr. Gordon, and Mr. Fishman. I haven’t seen you boys since I tought at UVM. Still wasting your time playing your “music”.
Phish Band Member: Yeah! I Guess!
Prof. Ralph Wormley Curtis: I’ll tell you now what I told you then. Get a job, you damn dirty hippies. Jarret, Gobyand thoughs of you out there let this be a lesson to you. Spend all your time skipping class and goobing off this is what you turn into.
Jarret: That’s cool with us!
Goby: Yeah! Tha’s alright with me.
Jarret: Hey you guys you don’t have to say yes but, it would be totally awesome if you’d paly a song with us.
Phish Band Member: Sure!
Jarret: I don’t know if any of you know this but, Goby is known as Zen Beer, master of the beer can flute.
Goby: Yep! (plays on his beer can flute)
Jarret: That’s pretty beautiful! Yeah keep going! Yeah! 1,2,3,4
(all together singing)
The wheels are the things on the cars and they contact with the road,The tires are the things on the cars and they contact with the road.
Jarret: That’s our show you guys. Merry Christmas! Goodbye!
Thanks to Charles Spivey for this transcript!