Last Call


02h: Al Gore / Phish

Last Call

George, the Old Drunk … Tracy Morgan
Old Prune … Maya Rudolph
Travis … Dean Edwards

[Near midnight on Christmas Eve. A bar. On the walls,holiday decorations hang side-by-side with photos ofclassic jazz musicians. Organ music drifts in fromsomewhere off screen. The place is almost empty exceptfor three elderly African-Americans: the gray-hairedbartender Travis who wipes down a table and his lasttwo customers, a man and a woman, who sit side-by-sideat the bar nursing their drinks.]

Old Drunk: Hey, Travis! How ’bout a littlerefresher over here?

Old Prune: Uh huh. Me, too. I could use arefreshener myself.

Travis: [joins them, mildly annoyed] Didn’t Isay “last call”?

Old Drunk: Don’t do this to me! It’s the nightbefore Chri’mas!

Travis: Look, I got to get home.

Old Prune: I want to go home, too. But I don’tgot no home.

Travis: Chief, that is not my problem!

Old Drunk: TRAVIS!

Travis: Okay, man! But only ’cause it’sChristmas Eve. Hey, I’ll tell you what. This last oneis on the house.

Old Prune: On the house?!

Travis: Any drink you want, consider it myChristmas present.

Old Drunk: Anything?!

Travis: Anything! [exits]

Old Prune: Ohhh.

Old Drunk: I’m gonna have me a brandyAlexander. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
[Theunseen organist seizes the moment and the Old Drunkbreaks out singing with a deep but inebriatedvoice:] I want something I’ve never hadbefore!

Old Prune: You tell ’em, George!
[sings the first line of the chorus with a screechy,high-pitched but equally inebriated voice:]It’s the holidays – There’s a drink that’s rightfor you

Old Drunk: I know that’s true!
[sings]It’s the holidays – We’ll take a chance onsomething new

Old Prune: Chook-a choo, chook-a choo, choochoo.
Try a Manhattan or maybe a Singapore Sling

Old Drunk: That’s right.

Both: It’s the holidays, we can orderanything!

Old Drunk: Ha! I know that’s good!

Old Prune: Yeah!

Old Drunk: I like Tom Collins, he’s a old,dear friend of mine

Old Prune: Yeah, I know you two go wayback.
[sings]I like gin drinks, somethin’ simple like a gin andlime

Old Drunk: It’s Christmas Eve, why not aglass of champagne?

Old Prune: Oh, that sounds terrific!

Both: It’s the holidays, we can orderanything!

[Having completed the chorus, they now talk over themusic.]

Old Prune: Hey, George, you know, I could gofor a mint julep!

Old Drunk: Ah, delicious. And an excellent,excellent choice.

Old Prune: Mm hmm.

Old Drunk: Me, myself, I’m gonna have astrawberry frip.

Old Prune: Oh! Rum and vodka.

Old Drunk: Rum, you ol’ bag of bones. With adash – a dash of nutmeg.

Old Prune: Ooh! Ooh! What about a BlackRussian?

Old Drunk: Well, I HAD a Black Russian but shewudn’t no drink! I – I wouldn’t mind a grasshopper,though.

Old Prune: Mm mm. Two hours ago. I’mconsidering the plum ricky.

Old Drunk: Ah, too tricky, a plum ricky. But astinger might work.

Old Prune: A sidecar for me.

Old Drunk: Aw, whatever we want, it’sprack-ically Christmas now.

Old Prune: You’re right.
[starts singing a half chorus]It’s the holidays – I’ve never had aDubonnet

Old Drunk: You can say that again. Knowwhy?
[sings]It’s the holidays – I’d really likeCourvoisier

Old Prune: Oh, me three. That stuff isdelicious.
[sings]I like Bloody Marys, Dirty Harrys
Or somethin’ with a little zing

Both: It’s the holidays, we can order an – y- thing!

[The song ends. Music out. The Old Prune coughs. Theaudience applauds. Bartender Travis returns.]

Travis: All right, so – so what’ll itbe?

Old Prune: I’ll have a wine.

Old Drunk: A wine for me.

[Travis exits.]

Old Prune: Merry Christmas, you olddrunk.

Old Drunk: Merry Christmas to you, you oldprune.

[They clink their glasses together and drink.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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