Al Gore’s Monologue
…..Al Gore
Sen. Edwards…..Chris Kattan
Sen. Kerry…..Seth Meyers
Sen. Lieberman…..Chris Parnell
Al Gore: Thank you very much! Thank you! It’s great to ne here tihs week in New York, working with this fantastic cast! You know, the good news about not being President is that I have my weekends free. The bad news is that my weekdays are also free. But I just want to say at the outset tonight is not about rehashing things from my past. I mean, we all know there are a few things I should have done differently in the 2000 campaign. Maybe, at times, I was a little wooden and stiff, and I sighed too mcuh, and people said I was patronizing – patronizing, of course, means “talking to people like they’re stupid.” and, maybe they were right.
There’s also a lot about the campaign I’m very proud of. For example, I’ve said many times that one of the best decisions I made was asking Joe Lieberman to be my running-mate. Now, a lot of people don’t realize how intense the process of chooisng a Vice-President can be. It can really get more emotional than oyu would think. [ rubbing chin ] I remember it like it was yesterday..
[ flashback begins; fade to Malibu beach house ]
Al Gore V/O: I had started out with twenty possible running-mates.. and, by July, I had narrowed it down to three.
[ dissolve to Gore standing before Edwards, Kerry and Lieberman inside the beach house ]
Al Gore: Senators Edwards, Kerry and Lieberman. I want to thank you all for agreeing to spend six weeks with me here in Malibu with me.
Sen. Lieberman: This house is so beautiful!
Al Gore: Only one of you will be chosen. But know in your hearts, that you are all very special politicians.
[ dissolve to Sen. Edwards ]
Sen. Edwards: [ in southern accent ] My heart was beating was so fast! When I entered into this, it was kinda as a joke. But now I really wanted him to pick me!
[ dissolve to Sen. Kerry ]
Sen. Kerry: [ confident ] I mean, I’m not worried. There’s a lot of pretty faces around here, but.. come on. I’m the total package! ‘Cause, you know what? I have eleven electoral votes – and I know how to use them.
[ dissolve to Gore addressing the camera alone ]
Al Gore: John Kerry came on a little too strong. Edwards.. I liked. He’s young, he’s energetic..
[ dissolve to Gore having candlelight dinner with Sen. Edwards ]
Al Gore: ..33% of Hispanic-Americans go without coverage for everyday needs, like blood pressure and diabetes medication. That’s just unacceptable.
[ show close-up of Sen. Edward’s love-smitten face ]
Sen. Edwards: You’re amazing! How did you get to be so smart?
[ dissolve to Gore addressing the camera alone ]
Al Gore: Sen. Edwards might be a little too young. Also, he’s from the south, and I love that.. but I just came out of a long-term relationship with a guy from the south, so.. I’m looking for something new. Joe Lieberman and I really hit it off..
[ dissolve to Gore and Leiberman naked in a streaming rose petal-strewn jacuzzi ]
Al Gore: I think we need to take these Social Security funds, that people have worked so hard for, and keep them away from the volatility of the stock market.
Sen. Lieberman: I so totally agree with you.
Al Gore: These funds need to be protected. They need to be put aside.
Sen. Lieberman: I know.. in some kind of.. metaphorical..
Together: Lock-box!
Sen. Lieberman: Oh, my God..!
[ they clink their champagne glasses together, twist their arms around one another’s, and sip ]
[ dissolve back to Gore standing before Edwards, Kerry and Lieberman inside the beach house ]
Al Gore: I want you to know.. that I respect all of you. And I wish I could have three runing-mates, but it’s just not constitutionally viable. [ holds up single long-stemmed rose ] I’ve made my decision.
[ Kerry looks cockily at Gore; Edwards looks at Gore hopefully; Lieberman exchanges a knowing wink with Gore ]
Al Gore: Joe.. will you be my running-mate?
Sen. Lieberman: [ excited ] Yes.. yes.. oh, ye-e-es!
[ dissolve to Sen. Kerry analyzing the results ]
Sen. Kerry: [ weeping ] I can’t believe.. Al didn’t pick me! What is wrong with me..? If I can’t be in the White House.. as Al Gore’s Vice-President.. I don’t ever want to be in the White House..!
[ dissolve to Sen. Edwards analyzing the results ]
Sen. Edwards: I am so embarrassed that he didn’t pick me! I-I can’t believe I made out with him!
[ flashback fades, as we return to Gore standing at Home Base ]
Al Gore: It still pains me to think about how hard Kerry and Edwards cried that night. But I wish them the best, and I’m sure that they’ll make someone a wonderful Vice-President some day. Anyway. If I decide to host, we’ll have a great show for you tonight. Phish is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!
