Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley
Stuart Smalley…..Al Franken
Stuart Smalley V/O: I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am attractive person. I am fun to be with.
Announcer: “Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley”.
[ open on Stuart giving himself a pep talk in his full-length mirror ]
Stuart Smalley: I’m going to do a terrific show today! And I’m gonna help people! Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!
[ turns to camera ]
Hello, I’m Stuart Smalley, and it’s great to be back! As some of you probably know, I was hit, uh.. by a bus. And, um.. I’m grateful for all the cards.. and letters. Um.. I’d like to start the show.. by making an amends, uh.. to the bus driver, uh.. Luis Calogne, uh.. who felt terrible about the whole thing. Luis, uh.. it was not your fault. I was, uh.. having a horrible week.. I was in a horrendous chain spiral, and.. I essentially let.. the bus.. hit me. I, uh.. I guess I just wanted some drama, which.. I got in spades. And, so, uh.. Luis, I’m.. I’m sorry.
Well! We’ve got a great show today. Because my guests are Al and Tipper G., who have two books out – two books! Good for you! Good for you!
Tipper Gore: Thank you, Stuart.
Al Gore: We’re delighted to be here.
Stuart Smalley: I hear the book is about family?
Tipper Gore: The book is about..
Stuart Smalley: Which is terrific, because family is huge! A huge, huge issue.
Al Gore: Absolutely. And, in the books, we-
Stuart Smalley: [ interrupting ] My family’s extremely dusyfinctional. Mt father is an active alcholic.. big, stinking drunk.
Al Gore: Well.. in the book, we do profile families dealing with stress.
Stuart Smalley: Oh, yes.. and the stories are very inspiring.. wonderful.
Tipper Gore: Thank you.
Stuart Smalley: Well, I think you might have left out one family trauma that I think you two could have written very.. eloquently about.
Al Gore: Uh.. I’m not sure I follow you.
Stuart Smalley: Well, it’s something that happened to.. your family. [ a beat ] Tipper?
Tipper Gore: Honey? I think it’s about the.. election?
Al Gore: Well, sure.. that was a disappointment. But I wouldn’t describe it as.. “traumatic”.
Stuart Smalley: [ glances at Tipper again ] Tipper?
Tipper Gore: Well.. it was difficult.
Stuart Smalley: Al? do you hear what Tipper is saying?
Al Gore: Yes. That the outcome of the election was very hard for.. her.. and the children.
Stuart Smalley: [ glances at Tipper again ] Tipper.
Tipper Gore: Um.. well, honey..
Stuart Smalley: Go ahead, you can say the “E” word.
Tipper Gore: The eating.
Al Gore: Okay! I was a bit down, and I took some solace in.. food.
Stuart Smalley: Al? Tipper gave me this picture that she took about three months after the election. Now.. I think it’s pretty clear that you were in a humongous chain spiral.
Al Gore: Well, as you can see, I lost the weight, and I’m over it!
Stuart Smalley: [ glances at Tipper again ] Tipper? Is he over it?
Tipper Gore: [ faux crying, grabs a Kleenex from Stuart ] Oh, thank you.
Stuart Smalley: Tipper?
Tipper Gore: It’s been difficult..
Stuart Smalley: Yes. Do you think that Al has feelings.. about not being President.
Tipper Gore: Yes.
Al Gore: Well, of course I have! I-
Stuart Smalley: Al, I’m talking to Tipper. [ turns to Tipper ] And, do you think that Al is maybe in denial about his feelings?
Al Gore: Oh, for goodness sakes!
Tipper Gore: Maybe a little.
Stuart Smalley: Do you think it might be good for the whole Gore Family if Al dealt with his.. his feelings?
Tipper Gore: Well.. sure, I do.
Stuart Smalley: You’re doing good work! Good work. Al?
Al Gore: [ fuming ] What?
Stuart Smalley: You are in.. denial. But we are going to trace it, face it, and erase it. I want you to look at the mirror – come on, don’t look at me, only you can help you. [ Al looks into the mirror ] Look at the mirror. Come on. That’s it. Okay. I want you to say.. “Hi, Me!”
Al Gore: [ relunctant ] Hi, Me.
Stuart Smalley: “I am sad.. about not being President.” Come on.
Al Gore: I am.. sad.. about not being.. President.
Stuart Smalley: “And that’s.. okay.”
Al Gore: And that’s okay.
Stuart Smalley: “I don’t have to be the most powerful man in the world.”
Al Gore: I don’t have to be the most powerful.. man in the world.
Stuart Smalley: “I don’t have to be able to.. [ thinking ] ..bomb a country any time I want.”
Al Gore: Look, I would never arbitrarily bomb..
Stuart Smalley: Okay, okay.. I-I-I’m sorry. Uh.. “All I have to do is be the best Al I can be.”
Al Gore: All I have to do is.. be the best Al I can be.
Stuart Smalley: “Because I’m good enough..” Come on! “I’m good enough.. I’m smart enough.. and, doggonit, people like me!”
Al Gore: Because I’m good enough.. I’m smart enough.. and, doggonit, people like me!
Stuart Smalley: Feel better? You feel better?
Al Gore: Actually, I.. I do feel better!
Stuart Smalley: You do? You do feel better?
Al Gore: Yes. Actually, I do.
Stuart Smalley: Hug? [ holds arms out ]
Al Gore: No.
Stuart Smalley: Well! It’s been a great show, I want to thank the G.’s. You’ve been terrific. Goodbye! See you tomorrow.. I guess.
[ fade ]