Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey


02h: Al Gore / Phish

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Coast Guard Carrie…..Amy Poehler
Vidalis…..Rachel Dratch

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

The Supreme Court is expected to rule this week whether banning cross burning by groups like the Ku Klux Klan violates the First Amendment. The outcome could determine the entertainment at Trent Lott’s Christmas party.

In a continuing effort to apologize for the statements he made at Strom Thurmond’s birthday party, Trent Lott has agreed to appear on BET – Black Entertainment Television – next week, where he is expected to read the following statement: “I sincerely apologize to the black community for my insenesitive racial remarks, now y’all show some love for Trina & Ludicrus!”

The Navy anounced monday that his next aircraft carrier will be named after former President George Bush, Sr. In a related story, Carnival Cruise Lines’ Clinton of the Seas have been thoroughly disinfected, and will go back into service.

Aw, take a look at this picture. [ Santa Claus hugging a little black girl ] Boy.. we’d never have problems like this if Strom Thurmond was President!

With a Sunday deadline for a transit strike looming, New Yorkers face a possible Monday morning commute without subways or buses. In response, the city has designated areas where large groups of people can get together and shove each other.

United Airlines filed for Chapter 11 federal bankruptcy Monday in Chicago. Not surprisingly, the filing was an hour and 20 minutes behind schedule.

Tina Fey: Last Sunday, twelve-and-a-half million Americans watched “The Sopranos” season finale on HBO. And right after that, creeps like me watched the HBO documentary “Cathouse”, about the Moonlight Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada. Here now with a follow-up interview, two working girls from Moonlight Bunny Ranch – Coast Guard Carrie and Vidalis.

Coast Guard Carrie: Hi, Tina!

Vidalis: Hi, Tina! Hi, Jimmy!

Tina Fey: So now, from watching the documentary, it looks like most of the women really enjoy working at the Bunny Ranch.

Vidalis: Oh, we love it. I mean.. we’re professionals. Tina. We’re just like a sales team, except.. instead of getting commission, we get cold sores!

[ they laugh ]

Vidalis: Sorry, Tina. It’s kind of an in-joke.

Tina Fey: I think we all got it, actually.. So, how many times a day do you have sex?

Vidalis: Oh, Tina, at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch, we don’t call it sex; we call it a party!

Coast Guard Carrie: Yeahh.. we really wanna party with you..

Vidalis: Depending on how much you wanna spend, you can have a Missionary party.. or a Back Porch party.. a Mouth party..

Coast Guard Carrie: You can have a Toe party.. a Back of the Knee party.. You can pretty much name any part of the body, and then say “party”, and we’ll do it.

Tina Fey: Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but you guys make a lot of money working at the ranch, right?

Coast Guard Carrie: Oh, yeahhh.. we make, like, $10,000 a minute.

Tina Fey: Wow.. that’s pretty good.

Coast Guard Carrie: And we’re always looking for new girls, so you should really think about it, Tina.

Vidalis: And, Jimmy, come on down. Come on down – virgins get a discount!

Jimmy Fallon: What are you talking about?

Coast Guard Carrie: If you’re a virgin.. you can have an Elbow party for the price of an Ear party.

Jimmy Fallon: What? Why are you telling me this for?

Tina Fey: He’s a little shy about being a virgin. But.. what can I get him for.. [ retrieves loose change from her pocket ] ..this much?

Vidalis: Um.. a dollar-eighty? We could have.. [ thinking ] ..intercourse with him for three hours.

Tina Fey: Oh, great! The Bunny Ranch ladies, everyone!

Jimmy Fallon: [ weakly ] That was just a joke, you know.

As a gesture of gratitude for all they’ve done for her, this week actress Kirsten Dunst bought a house for her parents. And, as a gesture of gratitude to my parents, I finally moved out of their house.

While serving as the emcee for the New York Women In Film & Television luncheon this week, Rosie O’Donnell attacked Winona Ryder, saying that she has been “stealing things for ten years,” and that “her last film sucked.” But Rosie can get away with making comments like that, because, after all, she’s the best middle linebacker in Jets history.

Seventeen-year old basketball phenom LeBron James, who may be the first pick in next year’s NBA draft, scored 31 points in his national television debut this week. This would have never happened if Strom Thurmond were President.

And, finally tonight, a 32-year old Bronx woman named Dawn Martinez gave birth to a baby on a Manhattan subway platform Monday. While no one stopped to help, a few people did throw dollar bills into her vagina.

Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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