Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory
Willy Wonka…..Jeff Richards
Charlie Bucket…..Amy Poehler
Oompa Loompas…..Chris Kattan, Fred Armisen, Will Forte
[ dissolve to Willy Wonka walking an anatomically-correct Charlie Bucket through the factory ]
Announcer: We now return to “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”, starring Gene Wilder and some midgets.
Charlie Bucket: You mean it, Mr. Wonka? You really mean it?
Willy Wonka: I certainly do, Charlie. I’m giving my entire factory to you!
Charlie Bucket: Woooww!!
Willy Wonka: We just have one more stop to make before everything’s yours.
Charlie Bucket: Really? Where are we going?
Willy Wonka: Actually.. the thing is.. [ singing comically off-key ] “There’s no earthly way of knowing.. which direction we are going! There’s no knowing where we are going! Or which way the wind is BLOW-OW-ING!!” Actually, we’re just going to the ACcounting Department! [ laughs ] We have a lot of paperwork to get through. [ blows flute, causing office door to open ] [ Willie Wonka and Charlie enter the office, where accountant Glen is checking orders over the phone ]
Glen: We put in an order for what?! 75,000 pounds of.. snozberries? What the hell is a snozberry?
Willy Wonka: Charlie? This is the factory accountant – my borther Glen. Glen Wonka!
Glen: [ on phone ] Listen, I’m gonna have to get back to you. [ hangs up ]
Willy Wonka: Glen? I have someone here I want you to meet. This.. is Charlie.
Glen: William, I told you not to bring tour groups through here.
Charlie Bucket: Say. Is anything here made out of candy?
Glen: No. Not really. But I think I have some Rolaids in my desk. Knock yourself out. Now.. if that’s all, I really have to get back to work. William. We have to take care of this Oompa-Loompa situation. They need green cards, William! We’re not making tennis shoes here.
Willy Wonka: Glen, Charlie isn’t here for the tour. I’m giving him sole ownership of the factory!
Glen: [ outraged ] You’re doing what?!
Willy Wonka: I’m giving the whole factory here to Charlie!
Glen: You gave our business to an eight-year old child?! For God’s sakes, why?!
Willy Wonka: Because a child’s dream.. is like a thousand candy rainbows.
Glen: Oh, yeah, that makes sense! I’ll tell that to our stockholders when they storm down here and beat us bloody with our candy canes!
Willy Wonka: Glen! Please!
Glen: No, William! I’ve had it! I put up with a lot working here! Riding that insane, psychadelic boat ot my office everyday! Having to step around piles and piles of Oompa-Loompa dung! But I am through with it!
Willy Wonka: What are you saying, Glen?
Glen: What I’m saying, William, is that, thanks to your wizwarbulous ideas, this factory is.. [ crumples reports ] ..hemorrhaging money!! You have a chocolate river running through here! And I’m pretty sure earlier today a fat kid drowned in it. You tell me how that’s helping our bottom line!
Willy Wonka: Glen, please, take it easy!
Glen: Wait! I almost forgot! There’s that billion dollars you spent on that machine that turns giant candy bars into tiny chocolate bars. Help me wrap my brain around that one.. ’cause I’m missing the big profit opportunity!
Charlie Bucket: Actually, that is a good point.
Glen: You want to know how bad things are?! You want to know?! [ into intercom ] Get the report on Third Quarter Earnings![ Oompa-Loompas enter office with a song ]
Oompa-Loompas: [ singing ]“Oompa-Loompa Oopity-Do!
I’ve got the Third Quarter Earnings for you!”
Glen: Save it! I don’t have time. Just cut to the chase!
Oompa-Loompa: Uh.. [ reading ] You’re Oompah Loompah doopity screwed.
Glen: That’s right. We’re Oompah Loompah doopity screwed. And I am tired of it. The kid gloves are off, William! I think it’s really weird that every restroom in this factory has toilets made of graham cracker! I’ve never been comfortable with that! [ Willy Wonka grins like a mischievious jackass ] Is any of this getting through to you, you grinning goon?!
Willy Wonka: Glen, you’re missing the point! This factory isn’t about money. [ misty soundtrack sweeps over ] It’s about making your dreams come true.. no matter how strange or stupid that may seem. Isn’t that right, Charlie?
Charlie Bucket: No way! I’m in it for the long green! for God’s sake, all of my four grandparents sleep in one bed! [ snaps fingers ] Oompa-Loompas![ obeying Charlie’s command, the Oompa-Loompas drag a struggling Willy Wonka out of the office ]
Willy Wonka: But, Charlie! What about the magic!
Charlie Bucket: Glen? There are gonna be some changes around here. First: we get a hold of a whole bunch of cheap Mexican chocolate!
Glen: I love it![ fade ]