Career Day


02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

Career Day

Teacher…..Amy Poehler
Capt. Jack Kelly…..Jeff Gordon
Mr. Corbin…..Seth Meyers

[ open on interior, grade school classroom ]

Teacher: Okay, class. Class. Today is Career Day, and Julia and P.J.’s dads have come to talk to you about what they do for a living. Mr. Kelly is a fighter pilot in the United States Air Force.

Kids: [ excited ] Wowwww!!

Teacher: And Mr. Corbin.. sells carpet. [ no response from the disinterested kids ] Okay, um.. Mr. Kelly, why don’t you go first?

Mr. Corbin: [ aware of the great potential of doom for his situation ] Uh, you sure you don’t want me to go first?

Teacher: No-o-o, we’re fine!

Mr. Corbin: Uh.. I think it would be better if I went first.

Teacher: I’m sure it doesn’t matter.

Capt. Jack Kelly: Hello there, kids! My name is Capt. Jack Kelly, but you can call me Cougar.

Kids: [ more excited ] Hi, Cougar!!

Capt. Jack Kelly: I’m a pilot in the United States Air Force, the greatest Air Force in the world! I’ve flown over a hundred missions, and, one time, a bad guy shot my wing off – I had to jump out of my plane and use my parachute.

Kids: Woww!!!

Capt. Jack Kelly: Let’s see.. if I had to sum up my job, I’d say that I get to move faster than any human being on Earth. My life’s like a video game. And I’m proud that I get to keep the world a little bit safer for squirts like you!

Kids: Yay!!!!

Teacher: Thank you, Captain!

Capt. Jack Kelly: Call me Cougar, darlin’!

Teacher: Oh, well! [ giggles ] Thank you, Cougar! Well! [ pause ] Mr. Corbin? Whenever you’re ready.

Mr. Corbin: [ stands, unsure where to start ] Uh.. hey there, kiddos. Um.. my name’s Mr. Corbin.. but you can call me Glen! [ no response ] Uh.. I am a carpeting and flooring salesman for Carpet Solutions.. and I really wish I had gone first!

Teacher: [ laying it on thick ] You’re doing great.

Mr. Corbin: Uh.. there are over fifteen different kinds of carpet: wool.. uh, wool blend.. acrylic.. acrylic blend.. I, uh.. I also sell linoleum..

P.J.: This is so boring!

Teacher: P.J.! That is no way to talk to your father!

Capt. Jack Kelly: [ stands to defend Mr. Corbin ] Come on now, that’s right, troops. You know, let’s focus up here – carpet’s important! I’ll never forget the time when I walked down that long red carpet, when I met the President!

Kids: [ impressed ] Wowww!!!

Capt. Jack Kelly: But that’s my story, I’m sorry.. go on, Glen. [ takes his seat ]

Mr. Corbin: Yeah, I’m done.

Teacher: Yeah. Okay.. okay.. great! Great? Yes! [ encourages kids to clap ] Now, we asked each of our guests to bring something from their jobs. Let’s start with, uh.. Captain Cougar?

Capt. Jack Kelly: Well, I hope y’all don’t mind, but I thought I might bring some genuine Air Force pilots wings, for my new co-pilots!

Kids: Wow!!!! [ start grabbing for the wings ]

Capt. Jack Kelly: Slow down, now! There’s plenty to go around, plenty to go around. As a matter of fact.. [ approaches the teacher ] ..I thought that maybe I’d just bring a pair for yourself here, lady!

Teacher: Oh! I do might like a pair! [ giggles ] “I do might like a pair!” [ laughs ] Listen to my grammer! Your teacher is flustered! Well, um.. don’t listen to her today! [ Mr. Corbin attempts to sneak out of the classroom, but is caught ] Mr, Corbin, uh.. what did you bring?

Mr. Corbin: Oh, uh.. it is a.. a book.. of.. carpet samples. [ holds up the book ]

Teacher: Do you want to show the class?

Mr. Corbin: [ shakes head ] No.

Teacher: Okay. Well, now it’s time for questions. When we heard we were having such special guests, we wrote down questions for them. [ pulls a random question out of the jar ] Okay.. the first question is for Captain Kelly – Cougar! [ laughs ] “How fast does your plane go?”

Capt. Jack Kelly: Well.. my plane goes about Mach 2 – which is around 1,400 miles per hour.

Kids: Woww!!

Capt. Jack Kelly: Well, or about three times as fast as Harry Potter, though!

Kids: Wowwww!!!!

Teacher: That’s, uh.. quite fascinating. Um.. let me, uh.. let me find a question here for Mr. Corbin.. [ fishes desperately for a question for Mr. Corbin ] ..there has to be a question here, Mr. Corbin.. uh.. um.. okay.. [ pulls a random question out of the jar ]’s one for Mr. Corbin. Mr. Corbin, uh.. [ improvising to cover up the absence of questions for Mr. Corbin ] ..”What is the coolest trick. you’ve ever done.. in your carpeting store?”

Mr. Corbin: I don’t think that question is for me.

Teacher: Oh no, no.. that’s what it says!

Mr. Corbin: [ downtrodden ] Well, it’s, uh.. not really a trick.. but, if you can get a customer to start thinking about the, uh.. possibility of flooding.. you might get them to upgrade to, uh.. a water-resistant fiber.

Teacher: [ feigning interest ] Wow! Cool beans! Just for fun, um.. Cougar.. what is the coolest trick you’ve ever done in your plane?

Capt. Jack Kelly: Well.. I’m a little biased, but, um.. I’m gonna have to pick The Cougar – it’s a triple barrel role inversion. It also happens to be named after me!

Kids: Yayyyy!!!!

Teacher: That’s what I thought! Well, I think that our guests both have very interesting jobs. Now, kids, if you want to see Mr. Corbin’s carpet samples, you can come up and look at them. [ no response ] And Cougar’s plane is in the parking lot, so..

[ the kids run for the door tp go outside and see the plane ]

Mr. Corbin: [ half kidding himself ] These might not be here when you get back! I only get a half-hour for lunch!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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