Capt. Jack Kelly…..Jeff Gordon
Mr. Corbin…..Seth Meyers
[ open on interior, grade school classroom ]
Teacher: Okay, class. Class. Today is Career Day, and Julia and P.J.’s dads have come to talk to you about what they do for a living. Mr. Kelly is a fighter pilot in the United States Air Force.
Kids: [ excited ] Wowwww!!
Teacher: And Mr. Corbin.. sells carpet. [ no response from the disinterested kids ] Okay, um.. Mr. Kelly, why don’t you go first?
Mr. Corbin: [ aware of the great potential of doom for his situation ] Uh, you sure you don’t want me to go first?
Teacher: No-o-o, we’re fine!
Mr. Corbin: Uh.. I think it would be better if I went first.
Teacher: I’m sure it doesn’t matter.
Capt. Jack Kelly: Hello there, kids! My name is Capt. Jack Kelly, but you can call me Cougar.
Kids: [ more excited ] Hi, Cougar!!
Capt. Jack Kelly: I’m a pilot in the United States Air Force, the greatest Air Force in the world! I’ve flown over a hundred missions, and, one time, a bad guy shot my wing off – I had to jump out of my plane and use my parachute.
Capt. Jack Kelly: Let’s see.. if I had to sum up my job, I’d say that I get to move faster than any human being on Earth. My life’s like a video game. And I’m proud that I get to keep the world a little bit safer for squirts like you!
Teacher: Thank you, Captain!
Capt. Jack Kelly: Call me Cougar, darlin’!
Teacher: Oh, well! [ giggles ] Thank you, Cougar! Well! [ pause ] Mr. Corbin? Whenever you’re ready.
Mr. Corbin: [ stands, unsure where to start ] Uh.. hey there, kiddos. Um.. my name’s Mr. Corbin.. but you can call me Glen! [ no response ] Uh.. I am a carpeting and flooring salesman for Carpet Solutions.. and I really wish I had gone first!
Teacher: [ laying it on thick ] You’re doing great.
Mr. Corbin: Uh.. there are over fifteen different kinds of carpet: wool.. uh, wool blend.. acrylic.. acrylic blend.. I, uh.. I also sell linoleum..
P.J.: This is so boring!
Teacher: P.J.! That is no way to talk to your father!
Capt. Jack Kelly: [ stands to defend Mr. Corbin ] Come on now, that’s right, troops. You know, let’s focus up here – carpet’s important! I’ll never forget the time when I walked down that long red carpet, when I met the President!
Kids: [ impressed ] Wowww!!!
Capt. Jack Kelly: But that’s my story, I’m sorry.. go on, Glen. [ takes his seat ]
Mr. Corbin: Yeah, I’m done.
Teacher: Yeah. Okay.. okay.. great! Great? Yes! [ encourages kids to clap ] Now, we asked each of our guests to bring something from their jobs. Let’s start with, uh.. Captain Cougar?
Capt. Jack Kelly: Well, I hope y’all don’t mind, but I thought I might bring some genuine Air Force pilots wings, for my new co-pilots!
Kids: Wow!!!! [ start grabbing for the wings ]
Capt. Jack Kelly: Slow down, now! There’s plenty to go around, plenty to go around. As a matter of fact.. [ approaches the teacher ] ..I thought that maybe I’d just bring a pair for yourself here, lady!
Teacher: Oh! I do might like a pair! [ giggles ] “I do might like a pair!” [ laughs ] Listen to my grammer! Your teacher is flustered! Well, um.. don’t listen to her today! [ Mr. Corbin attempts to sneak out of the classroom, but is caught ] Mr, Corbin, uh.. what did you bring?
Mr. Corbin: Oh, uh.. it is a.. a book.. of.. carpet samples. [ holds up the book ]
Teacher: Do you want to show the class?
Mr. Corbin: [ shakes head ] No.
Teacher: Okay. Well, now it’s time for questions. When we heard we were having such special guests, we wrote down questions for them. [ pulls a random question out of the jar ] Okay.. the first question is for Captain Kelly – Cougar! [ laughs ] “How fast does your plane go?”
Capt. Jack Kelly: Well.. my plane goes about Mach 2 – which is around 1,400 miles per hour.
Capt. Jack Kelly: Well, or about three times as fast as Harry Potter, though!
Teacher: That’s, uh.. quite fascinating. Um.. let me, uh.. let me find a question here for Mr. Corbin.. [ fishes desperately for a question for Mr. Corbin ] ..there has to be a question here, Mr. Corbin.. uh.. um.. okay.. [ pulls a random question out of the jar ] ..here’s one for Mr. Corbin. Mr. Corbin, uh.. [ improvising to cover up the absence of questions for Mr. Corbin ] ..”What is the coolest trick. you’ve ever done.. in your carpeting store?”
Mr. Corbin: I don’t think that question is for me.
Teacher: Oh no, no.. that’s what it says!
Mr. Corbin: [ downtrodden ] Well, it’s, uh.. not really a trick.. but, if you can get a customer to start thinking about the, uh.. possibility of flooding.. you might get them to upgrade to, uh.. a water-resistant fiber.
Teacher: [ feigning interest ] Wow! Cool beans! Just for fun, um.. Cougar.. what is the coolest trick you’ve ever done in your plane?
Capt. Jack Kelly: Well.. I’m a little biased, but, um.. I’m gonna have to pick The Cougar – it’s a triple barrel role inversion. It also happens to be named after me!
Teacher: That’s what I thought! Well, I think that our guests both have very interesting jobs. Now, kids, if you want to see Mr. Corbin’s carpet samples, you can come up and look at them. [ no response ] And Cougar’s plane is in the parking lot, so..[ the kids run for the door tp go outside and see the plane ]
Mr. Corbin: [ half kidding himself ] These might not be here when you get back! I only get a half-hour for lunch![ fade ]