02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet
Brian Fellow….Tracy Morgan
Robert Forgy….Jeff Gordon
Jose Cruz….Horatio Sanz
Brian’s Mom….Tracy Morgan
Singers:
He loves animals
And they love him back.
Inter-species friends
We ain’t kidding, mac!
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!
Narrator: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth-grade education and an abiding love for all God’s creatures. Share his loves, tonight on…
Singers: Brian Fellow’s Brian Fellow’s Brian Fellow’s, Safari Planet!!
[cut to Brian in his studio sitting in a chair]Brian Fellow: Good evening and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet. I’m Brian Fellow! [applause] Tonight we’re gonna meet some animals. Two of ’em. One of ’em is scary and the other is fuzzy. So let’s get GO-ING! My first guest likes to hang out in trees. You might have seen him in the bible. Please welcome a SNAA-AKE!
[Jeff Gordon walks on with a boa constrictor around his neck.]Brian Fellow: And who are you?
Robert Forgy: I’m Robert Forgy of the Lancaster Zoo.
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!
Robert Forgy: Hello Brian. This is Orphieus.
Brian Fellow: He looks like a giant worm.
Robert Forgy: Well, he does have a long narrow body, but unlike a worm, a snake has scaly skin.
Brian Fellow: Is he the one that invented this dance? [starts doing the snake, snapping his fingers and gliding his head side to side]
Robert Forgy: You’re doing the snake. Uh, I’m not sure if Orpheius himself invented it, but it is based on the movements of a snake, so I guess in a way he did.
Brian Fellow: That’s Crazy!
Robert Forgy: Do you know why a snake moves like that, Brian?
Brian Fellow: Because of his complex structure
Robert Forgy: That’s right, wow! You know a lot about snakes!
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!
Robert Forgy: Yes, and uh, as you know, snakes grow. And as snakes outgrow their bodies, they shed their skin.
Brian Fellow: Let me ask you a question. Where are those snake’s arms??
Robert Forgy: Snakes don’t have arms.
Brian Fellow: He’s probably hiding ’em behind his back, and when I’m not looking he’s gonna sucker-punch me!
Robert Forgy: No I promise you, that’s not gonna happen.
Brian Fellow: Well I’m watchin him.
Robert Forgy: I assure you, Orpheius is very friendly, but it’s not uncommon for people to be scared of snakes.
Brian Fellow: But does your snake still work for the devil?
Robert Forgy: No, of course not!
Brian Fellow: Well did he quit or did he get fired?
Robert Forgy: That’s one of the misconceptions people have about snakes.
Brian Fellow: Well you better get him out of here, before I put my foot in his ass and make him a boot!
Robert Forgy: I think we should leave.
Brian Fellow: Good go, I don’t need that sneaky snake causing no trouble on my show! Our next guest eats grass and makes sweaters. Please welcome a sheep! [Horatio Sanz walks on with a black sheep on a leash] And who are you?
Jose Cruz: Hi, I’m Jose Cruz, uh, from the children’s petting zoo in Rochester.
Brian Fellow: Hello Chester.
Jose Cruz: [chuckles] No, I’m Jose.
Brian Fellow: Oh, is that your nickname?
Jose Cruz: No, my real name is Jose.
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!
Jose Cruz: [confused] Hello Brian…I brought with me this beautiful black sheep. His name is Blaster.
Brian Fellow: Well did you see that creepy snake?
Jose Cruz: I sure did!
Brian Fellow: I don’t like his attitude. So tell us about Blaster.
Jose Cruz: Well, Blaster’s very excited to be here, because the Chinese Zodiac calendar, 2003, is the year of the black sheep.
Brian Fellow: Hold on. Are you telling me that he’s uh, Chinese?
Jose Cruz: No no no, I think you misunderstood me.
Brian Fellow: Well make up your mind. First you tell me he’s black, then you tell me he’s Chinese. He’s like Tiger Woods?
Jose Cruz: No, he’s the breed of sheep based on the color of his wool.
Brian Fellow: I’ve always been curious. When they make sweaters out of sheep, which part is their feet?
Jose Cruz: Oh, uh, they don’t make sweaters out of the whole sheep, they take off the wool and they spin it.
Brian Fellow: Oh no. None of that! You’ve entered a no-spin zone on Brian Fellow’s show!
Jose Cruz: [confused] What are you talking about?
Brian Fellow: I honestly don’t know. I saw it on another show and I thought it would work here.
Jose Cruz: Whatever.
Brian Fellow: So, uh, tell us. Do only certain breeds of sheep have horns?
Jose Cruz: You know what, that’s an excellent question. Sheeps’ horns occur, because of…
[a thought bubble appears above Brian’s head. In it, a snake with arms and boxing gloves on speaks to him]Snake: Hey Brian Fellow, you’re right. I DO have arms. But I’m not gonna punch you, I’m gonna punch your mom!
[Brian’s mom appears next to the snake]Brian’s Mom: Hey Brian baby!
[snake starts punching her in the head]Brian Fellow: Stop hitting her!!
Jose Cruz: I assure you, Brian, I wasn’t hitting her. I was petting her fur, the wool.
[thought bubble appears again, with Brian’s mom and the snake together]Brian’s Mom: It’s ok, Brian! In fact, we’ve got some exciting news! Me and the snake are in love! I’m getting married!
[Brian’s mom and the snake begin kissing]Brian Fellow: Nooo! You will not marry my mama!
Jose Cruz: [dumbfounded] Look, I don’t even know your mother. I’m gonna leave. This is weird for me, and I live with a sheep!
[Jose walks off stage]Brian Fellow: Well, that’s all the time we have for today on Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet. Join me next time when my guests will be a raccoon and an opossum. I’m Brian Fellow!!
Thanks to Amy Attanasio for this transcript!
