Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet


02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

Brian Fellow….Tracy Morgan
Robert Forgy….Jeff Gordon
Jose Cruz….Horatio Sanz
Brian’s Mom….Tracy Morgan

He loves animals
And they love him back.
Inter-species friends
We ain’t kidding, mac!
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!

[Brian walks along a cartoon jungle wearing a safari outfit while cartoon animals pass by. He points to some of the creatures and smiles]

Narrator: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth-grade education and an abiding love for all God’s creatures. Share his loves, tonight on…

Singers: Brian Fellow’s Brian Fellow’s Brian Fellow’s, Safari Planet!!

[cut to Brian in his studio sitting in a chair]

Brian Fellow: Good evening and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet. I’m Brian Fellow! [applause] Tonight we’re gonna meet some animals. Two of ’em. One of ’em is scary and the other is fuzzy. So let’s get GO-ING! My first guest likes to hang out in trees. You might have seen him in the bible. Please welcome a SNAA-AKE!

[Jeff Gordon walks on with a boa constrictor around his neck.]

Brian Fellow: And who are you?

Robert Forgy: I’m Robert Forgy of the Lancaster Zoo.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Robert Forgy: Hello Brian. This is Orphieus.

Brian Fellow: He looks like a giant worm.

Robert Forgy: Well, he does have a long narrow body, but unlike a worm, a snake has scaly skin.

Brian Fellow: Is he the one that invented this dance? [starts doing the snake, snapping his fingers and gliding his head side to side]

Robert Forgy: You’re doing the snake. Uh, I’m not sure if Orpheius himself invented it, but it is based on the movements of a snake, so I guess in a way he did.

Brian Fellow: That’s Crazy!

Robert Forgy: Do you know why a snake moves like that, Brian?

Brian Fellow: Because of his complex structure

Robert Forgy: That’s right, wow! You know a lot about snakes!

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Robert Forgy: Yes, and uh, as you know, snakes grow. And as snakes outgrow their bodies, they shed their skin.

Brian Fellow: Let me ask you a question. Where are those snake’s arms??

Robert Forgy: Snakes don’t have arms.

Brian Fellow: He’s probably hiding ’em behind his back, and when I’m not looking he’s gonna sucker-punch me!

Robert Forgy: No I promise you, that’s not gonna happen.

Brian Fellow: Well I’m watchin him.

Robert Forgy: I assure you, Orpheius is very friendly, but it’s not uncommon for people to be scared of snakes.

Brian Fellow: But does your snake still work for the devil?

Robert Forgy: No, of course not!

Brian Fellow: Well did he quit or did he get fired?

Robert Forgy: That’s one of the misconceptions people have about snakes.

Brian Fellow: Well you better get him out of here, before I put my foot in his ass and make him a boot!

Robert Forgy: I think we should leave.

Brian Fellow: Good go, I don’t need that sneaky snake causing no trouble on my show! Our next guest eats grass and makes sweaters. Please welcome a sheep! [Horatio Sanz walks on with a black sheep on a leash] And who are you?

Jose Cruz: Hi, I’m Jose Cruz, uh, from the children’s petting zoo in Rochester.

Brian Fellow: Hello Chester.

Jose Cruz: [chuckles] No, I’m Jose.

Brian Fellow: Oh, is that your nickname?

Jose Cruz: No, my real name is Jose.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Jose Cruz: [confused] Hello Brian…I brought with me this beautiful black sheep. His name is Blaster.

Brian Fellow: Well did you see that creepy snake?

Jose Cruz: I sure did!

Brian Fellow: I don’t like his attitude. So tell us about Blaster.

Jose Cruz: Well, Blaster’s very excited to be here, because the Chinese Zodiac calendar, 2003, is the year of the black sheep.

Brian Fellow: Hold on. Are you telling me that he’s uh, Chinese?

Jose Cruz: No no no, I think you misunderstood me.

Brian Fellow: Well make up your mind. First you tell me he’s black, then you tell me he’s Chinese. He’s like Tiger Woods?

Jose Cruz: No, he’s the breed of sheep based on the color of his wool.

Brian Fellow: I’ve always been curious. When they make sweaters out of sheep, which part is their feet?

Jose Cruz: Oh, uh, they don’t make sweaters out of the whole sheep, they take off the wool and they spin it.

Brian Fellow: Oh no. None of that! You’ve entered a no-spin zone on Brian Fellow’s show!

Jose Cruz: [confused] What are you talking about?

Brian Fellow: I honestly don’t know. I saw it on another show and I thought it would work here.

Jose Cruz: Whatever.

Brian Fellow: So, uh, tell us. Do only certain breeds of sheep have horns?

Jose Cruz: You know what, that’s an excellent question. Sheeps’ horns occur, because of…

[a thought bubble appears above Brian’s head. In it, a snake with arms and boxing gloves on speaks to him]

Snake: Hey Brian Fellow, you’re right. I DO have arms. But I’m not gonna punch you, I’m gonna punch your mom!

[Brian’s mom appears next to the snake]

Brian’s Mom: Hey Brian baby!

[snake starts punching her in the head]

Brian Fellow: Stop hitting her!!

Jose Cruz: I assure you, Brian, I wasn’t hitting her. I was petting her fur, the wool.

[thought bubble appears again, with Brian’s mom and the snake together]

Brian’s Mom: It’s ok, Brian! In fact, we’ve got some exciting news! Me and the snake are in love! I’m getting married!

[Brian’s mom and the snake begin kissing]

Brian Fellow: Nooo! You will not marry my mama!

Jose Cruz: [dumbfounded] Look, I don’t even know your mother. I’m gonna leave. This is weird for me, and I live with a sheep!

[Jose walks off stage]

Brian Fellow: Well, that’s all the time we have for today on Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet. Join me next time when my guests will be a raccoon and an opossum. I’m Brian Fellow!!

Thanks to Amy Attanasio for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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