The Terrye Funck Show
Terrye Funke…..Chris Parnell
Rickye Funke…..Jeff Gordon
[the beginning of a tape shows “Passions” being taped over by a personal camcorder in a basement. A man walk in front of the camera]
Terrye: [motioning up with hands] Raise it up a little bit, Rickye. I don’t want my big ole’ thighs to show, ok?
[the camera moves up]
Terrye: We’re just gonna shoot this real loose and fat, just like your’s truly here and then we’ll cut it down in editing…it’s showtime!
[he walks back to a table and turns on a boombox and stands to the side of the camera]
Terrye: [singing while holding up pictures of himself in front of the camera] Sometimes we talk about serious things, sometimes we talk about fun things, sometimes I laugh like a baby and you wanna just spank my rump. Wahh! But one thing’s for sure, the Terrye Funk Hour going to be big hit with Uncle Taberick!
[the music stops and Terrye jumps in front of the camera]
Terrye: And here’s Terrye Funke! Hey! [waves] Hi everybody! Thank you so much for buying this tape for five dollars at my mom’s car port sale. Whew! Have we got a show for you today. Hey, do you like my yorkies? [looking at his shirt] This one’s Zach and this one’s Screech. [singing] Hey hey, they’re the Yorkies! People say they yorkie around…
Terrye: Oh I’m already going off-script…this show is cooking with Pam! Well I think it’s time to introduce a gentleman that is the only member of my family that of know of that is not a direct product of incest….just yanking your chains mom!
[Terrye goes back and turn on the boombox again]
Terrye: [looking over his shoulder] He’s my favorite cousin, and my cameraman- Mr. Rickye Funke!
[boombox starts playing and Terrye is singing “Abracadabra”. Rickye walks out in front of the camera and starts dancing. Terrye turns off music]Terrye: [to Rickye] “Oh you are so much…” [to audience] “Clearly Rickye got all the cool that I was supposed to get in our family. Thanks Cabbage Patch!
Rickye: I’m not cool? Say what?! Man, I’m super cool!
Terrye: Tell them where you work, Licky Tricky Rickye.
Rickye: [doing karate kicks and punches] I work at…Ollan Mills…Photography…Studios…in the…Su-per…Wal…Mart!
[Rickye does air guitar]
Terrye: Rickye Funke everybody!” [to Rickye] “Now go back and do the camera…
[Terrye sits down and turns on boombox]
Terrye: Ok, um, it’s time to bring out my next guest, you may know him from the first 2 minutes of my show, my favorite cousin Rickye Funke!
[music starts again with Terrye singing “Abracadabra” again. Rickye comes out from behind the camera pulling colored scarves out of his pants. Terrye turns the music off again]
Terrye: [to Rickye] Oh you are too much! Oh, oh wait…you gotta fix the camera: too much head room, tilt it down.
[Rickye gets up and pushes the camera down]
[Rickye waves his hands in front of Terrye before sitting back down]
Terrye: Oh you! Stop that, this is serious…” [crosses legs] “Ok, Rickye thank you so much for being on the first of what I hope is, God willing, many episodes of The Terrye Funke Hour.
Rickye: Well thanks for having me, Terrye and thanks for letting me do my laundry here this afternoon. The smell of your Mom’s dryer sheets kicks ass! [does machine gun motions]
Terrye: Rickye, you are so charismatic! You work at Ollan Mills Photography Studios…
[Rickye jumps up and does karate kicks and punches again]
Rickye: Ollan Mills…Photography…Studios! [sits down]
Terrye: Now I have a question. How on Earth do you make those babies sit still? Babies make me coo-coo-coo-coodle-doo!
Rickye: Well Terrye, I do a thing called “Where’s the Birdie?”, which I made up.
Terrye: Would you mind giving our audience a demonstration?
[Rickye jumps up and flaps his arms like a bird]
Rickye: Where the birdie? Where’s the birdie? Arck! Arck! Arck!
Terrye: Oh Rickye Funke! You crack my butt sideways! That’s why you’ve got so many girlfriends, you’re always out on the town, whereas Fatboy Not-so-slim over here sits at home everynight watching ‘Dirty Dancing’ with his hand down his p.j’s.
Rickye: Why’d you have to go there, Terrye?
Terrye: Cause nobody else will…
[a buzzer sounds]
Terrye: That sound means the show is over… [puts a tape in boombox]
Rickye: …and my laundry’s dry.
Terrye: Thank you to all my guests, especially Rickye Funke and thank you all for watching the Terrye Funke Hour. I’m Terrye Funk, wishing you sleepover giggles and unicorn dreams!
[turns on boombox and jumps out of sight of camera and as music starts playing, holds up credit cards as music plays. Terrye sings “Let’s Hear it for the Boy” as Rickye does karate moves in the background]
Thanks to Miranda Leonard for this transcript!