Gary’s Fish Tanks
Woman 2…..Amy Poehler
Man 2…..Seth Meyers
Repairman 1…..Horatio Sanz
Repairman 2…..Jimmy Fallon
Mr. Daly…..Fred Armisen
[two couples are in a home. One couple is seated on a couch on the left. One man is in front of an aquarium and the other woman is sitting on a couch on the right]
Gena: Thanks for inviting us over. You have a really beautiful house.
Roger: Oh sorry I’m tied up over here.
Woman 2: Oh yeah the aquarium broke down right before you guys came over. We have some repairmen comming over [doorbell rings] That must be them. [she gets up and answers the door. Two repairmen enter] Oh I’m so glad you guys are here.
Repairman 2: Don’t worry ma’am, you’re in good hands.
Repairman 1: Where’s the tank?
Roger: It’s over here guys.
Repairman 2: Whoa! Whoa! What are these? Piranhas?
Roger: No, they’re goldfish.
Repairman 1: Whoa! Sorry Mr. Fish Expert! We’ve got a real Jacques Cousteau over here!
Roger: Well, no I’m not an expert but I do like fish.
Repairman 2: Say no more, my friend and we’ll be outta your way in two seconds over here.
[Roger sits down on the couch beside Woman 2]
Woman 2: Roger, you have to look at these pictures. They are gorgeous! Gena took them on her vacation.
Repairman 2: Hey Bobby, what? Have we got Annie Liebowitz over here?
Repairman 1: We’ve got a freaking Kodak moment up in here!
Gena: Um, excuse me?
Repairman 2: I’m just saying is sounds like you take a lot of photos like Annie Liebowitz or uh, Peter Parker, if you will.
Gena: No, I just happened to take some pictures while I was in Hawaii.
Both Repairmen: Yabo! Hawaii!
Repairman 1: We’ve got a freakin’ Don Ho over here!
Repairman 2: We’ve got a “how would you like a nice Hawaiian Punch?” over here!
Repairman 1: We’ve got a “pure cane sugar, that’s the one” over here!
Repairman 2: We’ve got “book em’ Dano” over here!
Repairman 1: We’ve got kung fu es chin ho over here!
Repairman 2: We’ve got… [both do the theme to Hawaii Five-O while making paddling motions]
Both Repairmen: …… over here!
Roger: Hey you guys, how’s the tank coming?
Repairman 2: It’s fine. I think we’ve got the right size filter out in the van.
Roger: Alright, great because we’re just about to have dinner here.
Repairman 2: Dinner? Well, well, well, well, well, well…Dinner!
Repairman 1: We’ve got a frickin’ Chef Boyardee over here!
Repairman 2: [mimicing a DJ scratching a record] Whickety, whick, whick, whick, whick…where’s your white hat, Bobby Flair over here!
Repairman 1: Oh, we’ve got a regular “can you smell what The Rock is cooking” over here!
Repairman 2: It’s like a regular uh, that guy who says bam?
Repairman 1: Bam? I don’t know…
Man 2: Emeril Lagasse!
Both Tepairmen: ….over here!
Roger: [to Man 2] Don’t help them! [to the repairmen] Alright guys, listen, just fix the tank. If you can’t, just leave because my friends and I are just trying to have a good time.
Repairman 1: We’ve got a Jimmie “J.J” Walker over here!
Repairman 2: Temporary layoffs over here.
Woman 2: Stop it! Stop it, the both of you. You’re acting like children.
Repairman 2: Who’s this now, over here? Dr. Benjamin Spock?
Woman 2: Give me a break…
Repairman 1: Give me a break? We’ve got a frickin’ Nell Carter over here!
Repairman 2: Yeah, you’re looking a little like Nell Carter over here. Looks a little like Joe Theisman over here…
Both Repairmen: [singing] Give me a break, give me a break! Break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat over here!
Repairman 2: We’ve got a…I’m kinda tapped out now.
Repairman 1: Yeah, I’m tapped out, too, unfortunately.
Repairman 2: Definately not our best work.
Roger: Hey you guys?
Repairman 2: “Hey you guys?” What is this? The Electric Company over here?
Roger: No, I just…
Both Repairmen: [interupting] No eye?!
Repairman 1: What are you? Sammy Davis Jr. over here?
Roger: No I just…
Repairman 2: [singing] Aye, aye, aye, aye, over here…
Repairman 1: [singing] Cantae no yorres over here!
Roger: [standing up] No guys I just…Oh my God, the fish! You’ve killed the fish! All your wisecracks….you killed the fish!
[both repairmen run for the door, knocking picture albums in the floor on the way out]
Woman 2: My family pictures!
[fade to Dr. Sherwood’s psychiatry office]
Mr. Daly: Okay guys, you know why you’re here. You were fired from your last job because you compulsively made wisecracks to the degree that you killed an entire tank of fish. To understand this problem we’ll have to do a few tests. I’m going to say a sentence and you just say the first thing that comes into your head, okay?
Repairman 2: Got a Lorraine Bracco over here….
Mr. Daly: I like movies.
Repairman 2: We’ve got a freakin’ Freakle Furrini over here…
Mr. Daly: I like water.
Repairman 2: We’ve got a frickin’ Hydrogen molecule joined with two oxygen molecules over here…
Mr. Daly: Okay guys, that’s very funny but it’s pretty clear to me that you both have some pretty serious compulsions. [writing on a notepad] I’m gonna recommend that we proceed with a course of aggressive shock therapy.
[a doctor opens the door]
Doctor: Oh my God! Mr. Daly, how did you get out of your room?
[Mr. Daly comes out from behind the desk with his pants around his ankles and screaming and starts crawling around at the Doctor’s feet]
Doctor: I’m sorry, this man is very mentally ill.
[fades to an ad for Gary’s Fish Tanks]
Male Voiceover: Don’t let this happen to you! Call Gary’s Fish Tanks, a name you can trust since 1982.
[fades to black]
Thanks to Miranda Leonard for this transcript!