02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne
A Message From Kim Jong Il
Kim Jong Il…..Horatio Sanz
Translator’s Voice…..Maya Rudolph
[ open on graphic of “Saturday Night Live” bumper ]
Don Pardo V/O: “Saturday Night Live”, normally seen at this time, will be delayed, so that we may bring you the following live address from North Korean leader Kim Jong Il.
[ dissolve to Kim Jong Il sitting at desk ]Kim Jong Il: [ speaks in Korean, as a translator’s voice speaks over him ]
Translator’s Voice: Good evening. Recent provocative and hooliganistic statements by the cowboy government of the United States have villianously slandered our nation, and threatened the joyful happiness of the Korean people. The North Korean people will contemptuously reject these accusantions, and continue to support our wise policy of cheating on all international agreements, then indignantly denying this when we are caught.
So let me warn the gun-slinging bucaneer George Bush and his henchmen, Jimmy Carter and Wolf Blitzer, I am not some petty chieftain to be easily intimidated. I am extremely unstable and highly irrational, and, for your information, quite completely insane. At age three, I was diagnosed as psychotic, sociopathic, and suffered from both Manic Depression and Acute Pediatric Schizophrenia. I was a chronic bed-wetter. Not only my own, but the beds of others. As a consequence, I developed Anxiety Disorder, Disassociative Disorder, and general dysphoria. In addition, I am delusional. I have difficulty distinguishing reality from my fantasy world. When I was first informed of the aggressive actions of the United States, my first response was violent anger. Then a lengthy crying jag, followed by sudden deep sleep for about two days. Then several hours of frantic masturbation, punctuated by more crying jags. Afterwards, I burned my thighs with matches.
And now, let’s take a look at what’s new this week on DVD. “Sweet Home Alabama”, starring Reese Witherspoon. As formulaic romantic comedies go, “Sweet Home Alabama” is inoffensive, and, I’ll say it, charming. Witherspoon finds genuine emotion hidden under a blandly familiar plot, and Id like to kidnap her and sodomize her. Three-and-a-half stars. And now, back to my angry tirade.
Anorexia Nervosa, Agorophobia, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. To control these psychiatric conditions, I have been placed on a variety of medications, including Lithium, Buspar, Prozac, Celexa, Atrivan, Zoloft. Zyprexa, Thorazine, Ritalin, Methotrimaprizine, and Welbutrin. I do, however, refuse to take them, because my paranoid psychosis leads me to believe that my doctors are actually secret robot assassins. So, let your President Bush understand jingoistic threats against me will be counterproductive. In addition to other mental disorders, I suffer from Agnosia – a condition that renders me unable to distinguish one object from another. If placed under emotional stress, I could easily sell enriched plutonium to Al Quaeda, thinking it was a box of Wheat Thins. I am no Saddam Hussein. I am Kim Jong Il, the great leader of the Korean people. Except, sometimes I am Mae Mae, a virginal schoolgirl. And sometimes I am Sung, a sexually flamboyant bon vivant, who somehow knows Italian. And sometimes I am former New York Islanders goalie John Vambiesbrouke.
So, in summation, I want America to cease disseminating its impolite degenerate propaganda to the pure-hearted peace-loving Korean people. I recommend “Sweet Home Alabama”. And, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
