Jeff Gordon’s Monologue
Harvey Winestock…..Chris Parnell
Judith Winestock…..Rachel Dratch
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Gordon!
Jeff Gordon: [walks out onto the stage] Thank you, thank you! Thank you very much. I’m so excited to be here in New York hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Awesome…awesome!
You know, ordinarily when I work, I’m wearing a fire retardant suit, going 200 mph in a tin can filled with explosive liquids. Every time I get in the car, there’s a chance I could crash and burn in front of millions of people. So I guess I am prepared for this show. [audience laughs]
[a man and woman wearing NASCAR jackets start shouting]
Woman: We love you Jeff!
Man: JG! Tony Stewart sucks!
Woman: No, Rusty Wallace sucks!
Jeff Gordon: Hey, alright! It’s nice to see some NASCAR fans.
Woman: Drop the hammer Jeff!
Man: Yeah Jeff open it up, dawg!
Woman: Floor it! Floor it!
Jeff Gordon: At least you’re enthusiastic, I’ll give you that. Hey, thanks for showing up. And you know sometimes when I’m down at the track…
Woman: [interrupting] Point suspension independent, rack and pinion steering, wheels 16 inches, Goodyear Eagle speedway radials 28 x 12 x 50.
Man: She’s memorized your car’s chassis specs. Who needs a GED, right?
[audience laughs and cheers]
Jeff Gordon: Great, great, great. Uh, anyway sometimes before a race, you know…
Woman: [interrupting] Jeff, this is the smallest track I’ve ever seen.
Jeff Gordon: You’re joking, right? This is a television show. There’s no track, no cars.
Woman: Hey Jeff, where’s your car at?
Jeff Gordon: No, no car. Just comedy.
Man: Comedy real fast and in a circle.
Jeff Gordon: You know what? You can’t possibly go to a NASCAR event and act like that. No way.
Man: How do you know?
Jeff Gordon: Because a real NASCAR fan would have killed you by now.
Jeff Gordon: Come on, man. Alright, tell me your names.
Man & Woman: Bubba?
Jeff Gordon: Aww come on!
Woman: Ellie Jean…
Man: Bucky Joe…
Woman: Sandy May…
Man: Jimmy Joe…Johnny Joe…
Jeff Gordon: Alright, who are you guys really?
Man: Okay okay, Mr. Gordon. We’re not really Bubba and Bucky Joe, Jr.Woman: We’re Harvey and Judith Winestock and we’re from right here in Manhattan. We’ve waited for four years for tickets to “Saturday Night Live” and when we found out you were the host, we wanted to make the best of it.
[audience laughs and cheers]
Harvey: And the thing is, well, we’ve really come to love NASCAR. Every Sunday we listen to NPR, do the New York Times crossword puzzle, and then hunker down for three solid hours of gritty NASCAR fun.
Judith: I think the only thing I like better than doing the crossword puzzle is actually finishing it, and then watching NASCAR.
Harvey: We’ve never been to an actual NASCAR event. We thought that this behavior was appropriate but obviously it wasn’t and for that we’re very sorry.
Jeff Gordon: Hey that’s alright. Tell you what, my next race you guys come down and I’ll let you sit in my pit.
Judith: [pulls down jacket to reveal a drawing of Jeff on her chest] We love you Jeff Gordon!
Jeff Gordon: Wait a minute! You gotta remember if you act like that, you’re roadkill.
Harvey: Oh right…
Jeff Gordon: Alright, hey we’ve got a great show. Avril Lavigne is here! [audience cheers] Stick around and we’ll be right back!
[audience cheers and fades to black]
Thanks to Miranda Leonard for this transcript!