Charlie Rose


02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

Charlie Rose

Charlie Rose…..Jeff Richards
Donald Rumsfeld…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: From our studios in New York City.. this is Charlie Rose.

Charlie Rose: Welcome to the broadcast. Tonight, a visit with Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

Donald Rumsfeld: Thank you, Charlie.

Charlie Rose: Rumsfeld began his work in the White House, during the Nixon administration. He continued to serve under Presidents Ford and Reagan. It was under Reagan that Rumsfeld traveled to Iraq, where, ironically, he met with Saddam Hussein.

Donald Rumsfeld: Well, that deserves a.. little explanation.

Charlie Rose: From 1982 to 1983, Rumsfeld served as special presidential envoy, on the Law of the Sea Treaty.

Donald Rumsfeld: Okay, Charlie..

Charlie Rose: From 1989 to 1991, Rumsfeld served..

Donald Rumsfeld: Stop introducing me.

Charlie Rose: a member of the U.S. Commissions on Japan relations. Later, he served as..

Donald Rumsfeld: Stop introducing me, Charlie!

Charlie Rose: ..Chairman and CEO of General Instrument Corporation. From 1999 to 2000..

Donald Rumsfeld: Charlie, I think people know who I am!

Charlie Rose: ..he was a member of the U.S. Trade Deficit Review Commission – Secretarey Rumsfeld.. welcome!

Donald Rumsfeld: Finally, you’re done.

Charlie Rose: One of the things that people say about you..

Donald Rumsfeld: Okay, you’re not done-

Charlie Rose: ..and I think you know this.. they say, “Donald Rumsfeld, here he is, he served under Bush, Sr., and..

Donald Rumsfeld: There is-

Charlie Rose: I mean, here you are. Give me a sense of how you.. [ looking for the words ]

Donald Rumsfeld: You know, Charlie.. Charlie, I’m disinclined-

Charlie Rose: Because you have to know what people say! You know? They say you had a cerain sense of.. of secrecy, a desire for secrecy, restrictions we hear about you..

Donald Rumsfeld: Charlie, let me answer the question-

Charlie Rose: were in the military, which, well.. now going back to your days as Chief of Staff..

Donald Rumsfeld: Will you let me answer?!

Charlie Rose: the Ford administration, and..

Donald Rumsfeld: ..I guess not.

Charlie Rose: [ stops talking ]

Donald Rumsfeld: Oh. Is that it? [ pause ] Okay. [ clears throat ] First off, Charlie, I wasn’ty actually Chief of Staff under President Ford. I think you probably know that was Dick Cheney.

Charlie Rose: Right! Sure, but.. later, when you were Minority Whip, and then, Secretary of Defense under George Bush, Sr..

Donald Rumsfeld: Again, that was Cheney.

Charlie Rose: ..of course, you had the first of your heart attacks..

Donald Rumsfeld: A man named Cheney!

Charlie Rose: ..CEO of Halliburton..

Donald Rumsfeld: Cheney!

Charlie Rose: And that thing where you dressed in women’s clothing, and bit her on the back, and they had to suspend your whole announcing career.

Donald Rumsfeld: Charlie, the thing with biting the woman was not me. you must know this – that was Marv Albert.

Charlie Rose: Fair enough. And did you care about these.. missing burglars.. and little french fry friends?

Donald Rumsfeld: Charlie, I might be mistaken here, but I believe, now, you’re talking about the Hamburgler.

Charlie Rose: Point taken. But.. Iraq.. the war..?

Donald Rumsfeld: Charlie, I think you just spent ten minutes asking me a question, but I have no idea what it is.

Charlie Rose: I’m sorry, we’re out of time. We’ll be back tomorrow night with Sen. Richard Luger, and the cast of the Broadway show “Hairspray”. Until then.. questions remain about war, and whether or not there’s a double standard..

Donald Rumsfeld: I thought you said we were out of time?

Charlie Rose: ..on one hand, and hopefully on the other..

Donald Rumsfeld: You’re still talking!

Charlie Rose: ..By the way, have you seen “Hairspray”?

Donald Rumsfeld: [ sighs ] I’ve seen the movie, not the play.

Charlie Rose: This thing is fantastic, you gotta see it!

[ Rumsfeld stands and exits studio ]

Charlie Rose: Where you going? If you’re going, you can still catch it! Sen. Donald Rumsfeld was our guest, discussing the conflict in Iraq, as well as the..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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