Pat O’Brien…..Jimmy Fallon
Cop #1…..Chris Parnell
Diana Ross…..Maya Rudolph
Cop #2…..Seth Meyers
[ open on Pat O’Brien ]
Pat O’Brien: [ speaking nasally ] Welcome back, I’m Pat O’Brien. I don’t breathe through my nose – ever. Tonight on “Access Hollywood”: wait’ll you see what Leo DiCaprio’s doing – he’s on waterskis! But, first, “Lady Drinks The Booze”. Diana Ross, outside of Blockbuster, got blockbusted by the cops. Ain’t Diana high enough? Apparently not. “Access Hollywood” has the exclusive.
[ dissolve to exterior, Blockbuster ]
Cop #1: Uh.. Miss Ross?
Diana Ross: Here I am!
Cop #1: Excuse me, Miss Ross. Is that your car?
Diana Ross: Of course, that’s my car! Do you think just anyone drives a Suburu Outback?
Cop #2: Where are you headed tonight?
Diana Ross: To Can-yon Ranch! Me and a couple of my closest friends are having a girl’s spa weekend – Tootie from “Facts Of Life”, Stephanie Mills, Tootie my assistant, and, of course, my toy poodle Tootie. I never thought of it before today, but there are three Tooties in my life, I am so blessed!
Cop #2: Miss Ross, we’re gonna have to ask you to take a sobriety test.
Diana Ross: Hey, if I were drunk, would I be able to do this? [ drops her fur coat and raies her arms in the air, as she’s engulfed in a mysterious spotlight ] Hello, Tucson! [ bows ]
Cop #1: Miss Ross, I’m gonna need you to write the, uh.. I’m gonna need you to write the alphabet on a piece of paper.
Diana Ross: Gimme a pen! Miss Ross needs a pen! [ jots onto the page ] Doo-doo doo doo doo, doo doo! There you go!
Cop #1: [ reading ] “To Dabney Coleman: We’ll always have Aspen. With love: Diana Rose.”
Diana Ross: If that ends up on eBay, I’ll rip your ass out!
Cop #2: Miss Ross? Can you try touching your nose for us?
Diana Ross: I can do more than that! [ stands on a bench and sings a drunken version of “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” ]
Cop #2: You know what? Just touch the nose, please.
Diana Ross: Oh, uh.. okay.. tough crowd! [ falls to the ground, losing her wig in the process ]
Cop #2: [ holding onto the wig ] What.. should I do with this..?
Cop #1: Cuff it.. and read it its rights..?
Diana Ross: [ stands back up ] Now, I have a test.. for the both of you! How many Diana Rosses do you see?
Cops: [ both sigh ] One.
Diana Ross: That’s right! There is only one! The one and only Miss Ross! And that’s me! [ breaks back into her drunken version of “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” ] Hey, can’t your hands off me! Uh-oh! I think I just threw up a little in my mouth!
Cop #1: Okay. Miss Ross, we’re gonna need you to come with us, okay?
Diana Ross: You sure you don’t want to hear another one? “Wooly Bully”? No?
[ dissolve back to Pat O’Brien ]
Pat O’Brien: Coming up next on “Access Hollywood”: Ben and J. Lo no go? So-so? Let’s keep it on the downlow. Don’t be fooled with the rocks that I’ve got. I’m still Pat O’Brien from the block. We’ll be right back.
[ fade ]