Access Hollywood


02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

Access Hollywood

Pat O’Brien…..Jimmy Fallon
Cop #1…..Chris Parnell
Diana Ross…..Maya Rudolph
Cop #2…..Seth Meyers

[ open on Pat O’Brien ]

Pat O’Brien: [ speaking nasally ] Welcome back, I’m Pat O’Brien. I don’t breathe through my nose – ever. Tonight on “Access Hollywood”: wait’ll you see what Leo DiCaprio’s doing – he’s on waterskis! But, first, “Lady Drinks The Booze”. Diana Ross, outside of Blockbuster, got blockbusted by the cops. Ain’t Diana high enough? Apparently not. “Access Hollywood” has the exclusive.

[ dissolve to exterior, Blockbuster ]

Cop #1: Uh.. Miss Ross?

Diana Ross: Here I am!

Cop #1: Excuse me, Miss Ross. Is that your car?

Diana Ross: Of course, that’s my car! Do you think just anyone drives a Suburu Outback?

Cop #2: Where are you headed tonight?

Diana Ross: To Can-yon Ranch! Me and a couple of my closest friends are having a girl’s spa weekend – Tootie from “Facts Of Life”, Stephanie Mills, Tootie my assistant, and, of course, my toy poodle Tootie. I never thought of it before today, but there are three Tooties in my life, I am so blessed!

Cop #2: Miss Ross, we’re gonna have to ask you to take a sobriety test.

Diana Ross: Hey, if I were drunk, would I be able to do this? [ drops her fur coat and raies her arms in the air, as she’s engulfed in a mysterious spotlight ] Hello, Tucson! [ bows ]

Cop #1: Miss Ross, I’m gonna need you to write the, uh.. I’m gonna need you to write the alphabet on a piece of paper.

Diana Ross: Gimme a pen! Miss Ross needs a pen! [ jots onto the page ] Doo-doo doo doo doo, doo doo! There you go!

Cop #1: [ reading ] “To Dabney Coleman: We’ll always have Aspen. With love: Diana Rose.”

Diana Ross: If that ends up on eBay, I’ll rip your ass out!

Cop #2: Miss Ross? Can you try touching your nose for us?

Diana Ross: I can do more than that! [ stands on a bench and sings a drunken version of “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” ]

Cop #2: You know what? Just touch the nose, please.

Diana Ross: Oh, uh.. okay.. tough crowd! [ falls to the ground, losing her wig in the process ]

Cop #2: [ holding onto the wig ] What.. should I do with this..?

Cop #1: Cuff it.. and read it its rights..?

Diana Ross: [ stands back up ] Now, I have a test.. for the both of you! How many Diana Rosses do you see?

Cops: [ both sigh ] One.

Diana Ross: That’s right! There is only one! The one and only Miss Ross! And that’s me! [ breaks back into her drunken version of “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” ] Hey, can’t your hands off me! Uh-oh! I think I just threw up a little in my mouth!

Cop #1: Okay. Miss Ross, we’re gonna need you to come with us, okay?

Diana Ross: You sure you don’t want to hear another one? “Wooly Bully”? No?

[ dissolve back to Pat O’Brien ]

Pat O’Brien: Coming up next on “Access Hollywood”: Ben and J. Lo no go? So-so? Let’s keep it on the downlow. Don’t be fooled with the rocks that I’ve got. I’m still Pat O’Brien from the block. We’ll be right back.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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