Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey


02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Tina Fey
…..Jimmy Fallon
Briggitte Boisselier…..Amy Poehler
Rael…..Chris Kattan
Baby Eve…..Rachel Dratch
Michael Sanders…..Will Forte
Gay Hollywod Hitler…..Chris Kattan


Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

President Bush unveiled his new economic stimulus package this week. It was reported that, if the new plan passes, the President himself would save $44,000 in taxes; Dick Cheney would save $327,000; and you could afford to take the whole family down to Burger King, and pick up job applications.

On Monday, Sen. Joe Lieberman will announce his campaign for the Democratic Presidential nomination, while speaking at his old high school. To recreate the feel of his old high school days, Sen. Lieberman will make the announcement from inside a locker.

U.N. officials still have found no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. President Bush still contends the best way to find where the weapons are hidden in Iraq, is to watch where they run when we attack them.

The February issue of Playboy Magazine features a nude pictorial of Allison Eastwood, daughter of actor Clint Eastwood. Early word on the pictures? Dirty.. Hairy.

Tina Fey: Yay! Last Saturday, Clone-Aid, a group that believes life on Earth was created by aliens, claimed that they had cloned the first human baby. Here to defend that claim is Clone-Aid President Briggitte Boisselier, and the founder of the Raelian cult, a man known as Rael.

Rael: Thank you, Tina.

Tina Fey: You’re welcome. Now, your group claims to have the first successfully-cloned baby.

Briggitte Boisselier: That’s right, Tina. And she’s just adorable. Her name is Eve.

[ they begin to laugh maniacally ]

Tina Fey: So, where is the baby now?

Briggitte Boisselier: Our new home – the planet Earth.

Rael: And Earth wasn’t always our home, Tina.

Briggitte Boisselier: No. We are descended from the Aryan race, sent here 25,000 years ago, and now we have created a new life.

Tina Fey: You two are a couple of old-fashioned nutbirds, I’ll tell you that! Now, where is the baby?

Rael: Well, actually, Tina, she is right here. And we’ve chosen tonight to introduce her to the world. Ladies and gentlemen, the world’s first cloned human – Baby Eve!

[ Baby Eve steps forward – she is the former love child of Angelina Jolie and her brother ]

Briggitte Boisselier: Oh, there we go!

Rael: We are still working on a few of the kinks! Say hi! Say hi to America, honey!

Baby Eve: [ makes gurgling noise ]

Briggitte Boisselier: Isn’t she adorable?

Tina Fey: Are you sure this was successful?

Rael: Uh, well.. we’re on TV, aren’t we, Tina!

Tina Fey: The crazy clone people, ladies and gentleman!

A Chinese man is suing a movie theater, because the film he came to see started four minutes late. In a related story, moviegoers sued the makers of the film “Kangaroo Jack” because the film started.

Luciano Pavaratti has split with his long time manager and publicist, Herbert Breslin, after 36 years. Said Pavaratti, “We had just grown apart, with regards to our views concerning the future of classical music, and.. okay.. I ate him!”

Jimmy Fallon: Many psychologists are saying that there is a new crisis of infidelity breeding in the workplace, with people not having sexual affairs, but emotional affairs with their married co-workers.

Tina Fey: [ building the tension ] Do you believe that, Jimmy?

Jimmy Fallon: Do you want me to believe that, Tina?

Tina Fey: [ wantonly ] With every fiber of my being.

Jimmy Fallon: I know you do.

Tina Fey: I knew you’d know.

Jimmy Fallon: I do know.

[ they turn to face one another for a kiss, then quickly turn away ]

Tina Fey: [ sighs ] In other news..

Ashton Kutcher and Brittany Murphy say that, when they first met, they got into a big fight, and that they eventually made up and started dating. I don’t know what the fight was about, but I’m guessing politics or science.

Star Jones was rushed to the hospital on Christmas Day, after suffering from altitude sickness. Let’s just hope that, during future holidays, Star learns not to pile the ham so high that it becomes dangerous.

Jimmy Fallon: Due to a Sanitation Department union dispute, curbside collection of Christmas trees in New York City has stopped, filling the city’s sidewalks with discarded trees. [ takes microphone, as Tina holds up a prop brick wall ] Seriously, New York City hasn’t seen this much public wood since the last time Brad Pitt walked through Greenwich Village.

Tina Fey: I helped on that one!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, thank you.

According to the current issue of Blender magazine, it took 11 people to write the Jennifer Lopez hit song “Jenny From The Block” – and another 12 to get the computer to play it right.

Tina Fey: Ha ha! They’re gonna be mad at you at the Grammy’s! Oh, yeah, how about this: Jimmy Fallon was nominated for a Grammy this week, for his album!

[ audience applauds wildly ]

Jimmy Fallon: It’s great just to be nominated. I’m not gonna win, I’m up against, like, Robin Williams and George Carlin, it’s just an honor just to be nominated. Just, let’s do some jokes!

Tina Fey: [ laughs ] Okay! Alright. [ starts next joke ] President Bush, this week, announced that he is no longer..

[ camera cuts to Jimmy, who begins to think reflectively to himself ]

Jimmy Fallon: It does feel good just to be nominated. What if I do win? It’s possible. I mean, those guys have all been around for a while – I’m new, I’m fresh! They’ll cancel each other out, like Robin Williams needs a Grammy.. yeah, right.. please! Hey, guess who’s not nominated – Tina Fey! [ laughs ] Who’s the smart one now, Tina? Did you hear the sarcastic way she said that: [ in Tina voice ] “Jimmy Fallon is nominated..” Yeah, I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do when I win that Grammy – I’m gonna use it to smash those damn glasses she has on. She acts like she invented glasses. Geuss what, Tina – you didn’t invent glasses! I’ll get the research department to find out who did invent glasses, and then burn her with it next week!

Oh, I’ll tell you who else is gonna be pissed off when I win, oh yeah! Mikey Sanders, my old high school archeneny – that ass! He used to tell me that my party-mix tapes were lame – suck it, Mikey Sanders, I have a Grammy! It’s a done.. a-deal! [ laughing ] Revenge is a dish best served cold with a side of Grammy! I hope he’s watching – that is, if he got the night off from the gas station! [ laughs ] Fallon! You are on fire tonight! Save it.. save it, buddy.. save it for Grammy Night!

[ cut to Michael Sanders in the audience, also thinking reflectively to himself ]

Michael Sanders: I can’t believe I’m here! “Saturday Night Live”! This place is a legend. I wonder if Jimmy will recognize me, his old buddy Mikey Sanders. Of course, I go by Michael Sanders, now that I’ve got that job as Head of the Grammy Committee. I feel bad. I didn’t even listen to Jimmy’s album. But if it’s anything like those party-mix tapes he used to make, I know it sucks. Who puts “Ghostbusters” on twice – in a row? Jerk!

[ cut back to Jimmy Fallon at the Update desk, still thinking reflectively to himself ]

Jimmy Fallon: Know who else I’m gonna call when I win? Ghostbusters! [ laughs ] That one always works! Lemme tell ya something: [ singing ] “Bustin’ makes me feel good!” Again, save it, Fallon, it’s gold! It’s Grammy gold! [ sighs ] Geez, when’s Tina gonna be done with this joke?

Tina Fey: [ finally finishing joke ] ..Contraceptive SpongeBob Squarepants.

Boy, that was a long joke. Back to you, Jimmy.

A man in Sweden is suing the government after a golden eagle swooped down, snatched his dachshund and flew away. Once out of the earshot of the dog’s owner, witnesses admitted it was the coolest thing they’d ever seen.

HBO announced Tuesday that the upcoming season of “Sex And The City” will be the last. HBO executives said that the girls have simply run out of holes.

Tina Fey: Also, HBO has announced plans to air “The Pink Fuhrer”, a documentary based on a book which theorizes that Adolph Hitler was gay.

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, man, I hope this doesn’t mean Gay Hitler has gone Hollywood on us.

[ Gay Hollywood Hitler enters set ]

Gay Hollywood Hitler: Guttentag, everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: Gay Hitler, what are you doing?

Gay Hollywood Hitler: I’m waiting to hear if I got a guest shot on.. “Curb Your Enthusiasm”! But Larry David hates me because I’m gay!

Tina Fey: He doesn’t hate you because you’re gay! He hates you because you’re Hitler!

Gay Hollywood Hitler: Anyway, I gotta run. I’m having sushi with Lenny – auf weidersein, cuevos! [ exits ]

Jimmy Fallon: Gay Hollywood Hitler, everyone.

Tina Fey: Gay Hollywood Hitler.

In India, a man had his penis reattached after the angry husband of his lover chopped it off with a sword, and then put it in his pocket. After it happened, the man said to his attacker, “Is that my penis in your pocket, or are you just not happy to see me?”

Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

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