The Fun Friends Club
Maria…..Rachel Dratch
Smiley the Dragon/Dave…..Ray Liotta
Director…..Jimmy Fallon
[ open on kids show motif, kids singing back-up to big purple and yellow dragon ]
Kids: [ singing ]“I’ll be your friend
if you’ll be my friend!
We’re all part of
The Fun.. Friend.. Cluuuuub!”
Maria: Smiley the Dragon will be right back! With more friendship and fun!
Smily the Dragon: That’s right, Maria! Hee hee hee hee heeeeee!!
[ Director enters scene ]Director: And.. cut! Great job, everybody, great job! That’s perfect! Maria, can I talk to you for a second?
Maria: Sure, Mr. Van Peebles!
Director: Great.. uh.. Maria, how-how old are you now?
Maria: Twelve-and-a-half!
Director: You know, Maria, you do a great job on the show.. I think you’re a great role model for all the other kids..
Maria: [ happy ] I love all my friends here at the Fun Friend Club! Louise, and Katir, and Jao Ping..
Director: Jao Ping.. I know, I know you do, Maria, it’s great.. it’s just that, uh.. you’ve had a real growth spurt in the last year now.. As we grow older, you know, girls become women, their.. their bodies change, well, uh..
Maria: [ confused ] What do you mean?
Dave: Larry, can we hurry up and shoot the next song?! I want to get home for the Clippers game, huh!
Director: Sure, Dave. Everybody! Places for the Jumpie Dance! Come on in!
[ everyone falls into place on the set; Maria is front and center, the size of her breasts well-distinguished alongside the smaller kids ]Director: [ grabs Maria ] You know, I’m gonna switch you with Jao Ping, okay? Is that good? [ puts Maria in the back row, where her breasts seem less noticeable ] Action!
[ cameras roll ]Smiley the Dragon: Hey, everybody, I’ve got a case of the giggles! Hee hee hee hee hee-ee-ee!!
Kids: [ singing ]“Jiggly!
Wiggly!
Makes me get all giggly!
It’s the Jiggly Wiggly Jumpy Dance!
If you’re feeling happy, shake your pants!”
“Clap your hands, and touch the ground
Arch your back, and jump up.. and.. down!”
Director: Cut the song! Cut the song!
Dave: It’s like “Girls Gone Wild” over here!! You gotta do something about those things!!
Director: Okay, okay.. thank you, Dave, thank you. Could somebody get Dave a cigarette, or something. Maria..
Maria: Did I mess up my choreography, Mr. Van Peebles?
Director: No, no, no.. you didn’t, Maria.. it’s just, uh.. has your mom talked to you about, uh.. becoming a woman, at all?
Maria: No.
Director: Yeah.. well, did you give her the note I sent you home?
Maria: [ excited ] Yeah! She bought me a deodorant stick!
Director: That’s a start, I guess. Uh.. Maria, I don’t know how to say this.. The Fun Friend Club is a club for children..
Maria: [ laughs ] And one very ridiculous dragon!
Director: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. one ridiculous dragon.. Uh.. but, soon, you won’t even want to be on the show. You’ll want to be talking on the phone with boys, and go to the mall with your friends, be hanging out with them..
[ Dave re-enters ]Dave: And shave your legs!
Maria: No way! I want to stay here in Giggle Gulch forever!
Dave: Oh, hey! I wanted to stay on “General Hospital” forever! But jobs end! That’s the business, kid!
Director: Dave! Will you let me handle this, will you?
Maria: Hey, Mr. Van Peebles! The whole crew’s waiting! Shouldn’t we get back to work?
Director: Okay, okay.. let’s do the “What Do You See?” song, okay? [ the kids re-enter the scene ] Uh.. places.. the “What Do You See?” song. [ Dave doesn’t have his Smiley head on yet ] Put the dragon head on? Okay, everyone ready? Annnnnnnd.. speak!
[ the scene begins ]Smily the Dragon: Heeeeeeey, special friends! Let’s play “What Do You See?”!
Kids: Yaaaaayyyyy!!!!
[ little girl steps up ]Smily the Dragon: “Hey, hey, what do you see?”
Little Girl: I see a bird!
Smily the Dragon: “Show it to me.”
[ Little Girl flaps her arms like a bird, then steps off ] [ little boy steps up ]Smily the Dragon: “Hey, hey, what do you see?”
Little Boy: I see a river!
Smily the Dragon: “Show it to me.”
[ Little Boy motions his arms like a river, then steps off ] [ Maria steps up ]Smily the Dragon: “Hey, hey, what do you see?”
Maria: I see balloons!
Smily the Dragon: “Show it-“ [ angered now more than ever ] Cut! Cut! Cut! CUT!! I can’t DO this any more, Marty! This is DISTURBING!!
Director: [ running in ] Dave, I’m sorry.. I know, okay..
Dave: This is very upsetting!!
Director: I’m working on it, Dave! [ offscreen ] Can someone get Dave a martini, or something? Maria? Take the rest of the day off, okay? How about that?
Maria: [ worried ] Is it because I spilled juice on the Craft Services table?
Dave: It’s your JUGS!! You came back from hiatus with JUGS!!
Director: Dave, I Will HANDLE this!!
Dave: Well, then HANDLE it!!
Director: Oh, thank you! Maria? What Smiley was trying to say is, uh.. [ struggling to be gentle, but failing ] ..we want you.. to be.. the Show Captain! And, uh.. oyu get to wear my, my special Fun Friend jacket, on the show, and you’ll be the Show Captain!
Maria: Ooh..
Director: Yeah! In fact, just zip it up there, and keep it zipped up by all means, okay? For the whole show. Is that cool?
Maria: [ excited ] Yay! I’m the Captain! I get to stay here, with all my special friends!
Director: Yeah!
Yaaaaayyyyy!!!!
Dave: Larry! Larry! What the hell are you doing, why didn’t you fire her?!
Director: [ sighs ] I didn’t have the heart, Dave.
Dave: Well, it’s only gonna get worse! I think Jao Ping’s voice is changing!
Director: What?
[ Jao Ping steps up ]Jao Ping: [ in deep masculine voice ] Excuse me. May I go to the bathroom?
[ fade ]