CNN News Alert
Donald Rumsfeld…..Darrell Hammond
Reporter #1…..Amy Poehler
Reporter #2…..Seth Meyers
Reporter #3…..Chris Kattan
Reporter #4…..Maya Rudolph
Reporter #5…..Fred Armisen
[ Donald Rumsfeld steps up to the podium, as reporters wave their arms to have their questions noticed ]
Announcer: CNN News Alert. We’re taking you now, live, to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, for the latest on the situation in Iraq. He should arrive any minute.
Donald Rumsfeld: Yes? Anne.
Reporter #1: With the discovery of the twelve chemical warheads, and the deployment of more troops to the region, is it fair to say that this administration has found its smoking gun?
Donald Rumsfeld: Smoking gun? [ chuckles ] Let me think about that.. [ thinks ] I don’t want to answer that. But let me try to answer that.. uh.. no, I’ve changed my mind, I don’t feel the need to answer that. [ hands wave again ] Dave.
Reporter #2: Hans Glick said last wek that the inspection could drag on past any deadline we’ve set, maybe months. Do you think this administration can wait that long?
Donald Rumsfeld: Well.. look, Hans Glick has his timetable. I don’t wanna get in any discussion about possible timetables. I mean, we’re waiting – let me say, anxiously awaiting – any information the inspectors might provide, or that we might provide them. Now, Pete?
Reporter #3: If it turns out that Saddam is indeed lying about these warheads, would that be enough to go to war?
Donald Rumsfeld: Enough to go to war. How do I answer that? Well, let me try it like this: Saddam keeps sayin’ he’s got something for us.. something he calls proof, but let’s confess. He’s been a-messin’ where he shouldn’t a-been a-messin’. Now someone else is gettin’ all the best. Now, as I see it, these boots are made for walkin’.. and that.. that’s just what they’re gonna do. One of these days – I don’t know the exact date, but sometime in the future – these boots are gonna walk all over ‘im. Karen?
Reporter #4: I.. was gonna ask you a different question.. but.. was that the Nancy Sinatra song “These Boots Are Made For Walking”, sir?
Donald Rumsfeld: You make can anything of it you want to, Karen. It’s an undeniable fact.. The man keeps lyin’ when he oughtta be truthin’.. and he keeps losin’ when he oughtta not bet. He keeps samin’ when he oughtta be a-changin’. And what’s right is right, he just has not been right yet. What more can I say? [ begins to sing ] “These boots are made for walkin’, that’s just what they’ll do.. one of these days these boots.. [ music stops ] ..are gonna walk right over this guy.. Doug?
Reporter #5: Listen, we’re respecting members of the press here. You can’t just sing “These Boots Are Made For Walking”, and expect us to print it.
Donald Rumsfeld: I don’t see why not. I kinda feel like I can do anything I want to up here. When it comes to Saddam.. [ singing again ] He keeps playin’ where he shouldn’t be a-playin’. He keeps thinkin’ that he’ll never get burned. I just found me a brand new box of matches, yeah-ah! What I know, you ain’t had time to learn! The boots are made for walkin’, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.” Are you ready boots? Start walkin’, all the way to Baghdad. Put that in your press and smoke it! And, one more thing: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”