The Falconer

02j: Ray Liotta / The Donnas

The Falconer

The Falconer…..Will Forte
College Dean…..Ray Liotta
Co-Ed #1…..Maya Rudolph
Co-Ed #2…..Amy Poehler

Announcer V/O: [ over scrolling SUPER ] In 1992, Ken Mortimer was a rising star in the Baltimore advertising scene. Then, upon receiving a mysterious package, the contents of which he never divulged, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer”.

[ dissolve to Falconer laying on the ground, trapped under a log, as Donald keeps a watchful eye ]

The Falconer: Oh, Donald.. here I lay, pinned beneath this mighty mountain pine felled by high winds. Trapped in its wooden clutch, I can only wonder what fate has in store for me.

Falcon: [ squawks ]

The Falconer: [ defensive ] Well, I’m sorry that I’m ruining your birthday! But I happen to have a 2,000-pound log crushing my spine right now! [ pleading ] You’ve got to help me.. go find someone – anyone – who has the know-how to lift a tree! So be gone, my friend! [ Donald flies into the air to search for help ] My life hangs in the balance!!

[ Falcon flies through the air in search of salvation; close-up of his steadfast face ]

[ dissolve to Falcon swooping down in College Dean’s office ]

College Dean: Oh, Falcon! Welcome back to the College of Environmental Science & Forestry!

Falcon: [ squawks ]

College Dean: Oh-ho, yes! [ touched ] You noticed! I’ve been named the Dean of log Removal!

Falcon: [ squawks ]

College Dean: Oh, my.. that’s terrible!

Falcon: [ squawks ]

College Dean: Oh, really..?

Falcon: [ squawks ]

College Dean: I can’t believe he forgot your birthday!

Falcon: [ squawks ]

College Dean: Well.. how would you like to celebrate?

Falcon: [ squawks ]

College Dean: [ chuckles ] Fine.

[ dissolve to exterior, Alpha Delta Psi Sorority ] [ dissolve to interior, where the keg party is in full swing, with the College Dean dancing with a group of co-eds ]

College Dean: It’s a great party! Where’s the beer?!

Co-Ed #1: Over there!

[ Co-Ed #1 points off-camera, which pans over to reveal the Falcon operating the keg tap as another co-ed fills her cup ] [ dissolve to party picking up in intensity, as Falcon perches upon co-ed’s shoulder holding two test tube shots in his talons ] [ dissolve to a fun game of Limbo, as the Falcon goes under the limbo stick ]

Voice of Co-Ed: Come on, Falcon!

Falcon: [ screeches in excitement ] [ dissolve to Falcon holding camcorder, as two co-eds flash their boobs for him ] [ dissolve to Falcon in an intimate conversation with Co-Ed #2 ]

Co-Ed #2: Hey.. you wanna go upstairs?

Falcon: [ squawks ]

Co-Ed #2: [ giggles ] I know. [ moves in to kiss Falcon on the beak ] [ dissolve to College Dean in bed with co-eds, Falcon perched atop the headboard ]

College Dean: Oh, I’ve got an idea! Let’s go to IHOP and get some waffles!

[ the girls giggle, Falcon flies in the air to leave ]

Co-Ed #2: Oh, Falcon.. you never stay.

[ Falcon flies into the air; close-up of his steadfast face ] [ Falcon spots a saw and toolkit lying in the grass below, and swoops down for it ] [ dissolve to The Falconer still trapped under the log ]

The Falconer: Oh, many is the day I wish I never opened that mysterious package.. containing, as it did..

[ Falcon swoops down and drops the saw to the Falconer’s legs ]

The Falconer: Oh, Donald! Oh, Donald! I knew I could count on you! [ holds up saw ] I will use this saw to cut the tree, and free myself so that I may live!

Falcon: [ squawks ]

The Falconer: You’re right! It would be quicker to just cut my leg off! Oh, Donald. You’re a true friend! Hopefully, one day we can return to society. But until that day, you will be the Falcon.. and I will remain..

Announcer V/O: ..”The Falconer”!

[ fade ]

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