The Falconer


02j: Ray Liotta / The Donnas

The Falconer

The Falconer…..Will Forte
College Dean…..Ray Liotta
Co-Ed #1…..Maya Rudolph
Co-Ed #2…..Amy Poehler

Announcer V/O: [ over scrolling SUPER ] In 1992, Ken Mortimer was a rising star in the Baltimore advertising scene. Then, upon receiving a mysterious package, the contents of which he never divulged, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer”.

[ dissolve to Falconer laying on the ground, trapped under a log, as Donald keeps a watchful eye ]

The Falconer: Oh, Donald.. here I lay, pinned beneath this mighty mountain pine felled by high winds. Trapped in its wooden clutch, I can only wonder what fate has in store for me.

Falcon: [ squawks ]

The Falconer: [ defensive ] Well, I’m sorry that I’m ruining your birthday! But I happen to have a 2,000-pound log crushing my spine right now! [ pleading ] You’ve got to help me.. go find someone – anyone – who has the know-how to lift a tree! So be gone, my friend! [ Donald flies into the air to search for help ] My life hangs in the balance!!

[ Falcon flies through the air in search of salvation; close-up of his steadfast face ]

[ dissolve to Falcon swooping down in College Dean’s office ]

College Dean: Oh, Falcon! Welcome back to the College of Environmental Science & Forestry!

Falcon: [ squawks ]

College Dean: Oh-ho, yes! [ touched ] You noticed! I’ve been named the Dean of log Removal!

Falcon: [ squawks ]

College Dean: Oh, my.. that’s terrible!

Falcon: [ squawks ]

College Dean: Oh, really..?

Falcon: [ squawks ]

College Dean: I can’t believe he forgot your birthday!

Falcon: [ squawks ]

College Dean: Well.. how would you like to celebrate?

Falcon: [ squawks ]

College Dean: [ chuckles ] Fine.

[ dissolve to exterior, Alpha Delta Psi Sorority ] [ dissolve to interior, where the keg party is in full swing, with the College Dean dancing with a group of co-eds ]

College Dean: It’s a great party! Where’s the beer?!

Co-Ed #1: Over there!

[ Co-Ed #1 points off-camera, which pans over to reveal the Falcon operating the keg tap as another co-ed fills her cup ] [ dissolve to party picking up in intensity, as Falcon perches upon co-ed’s shoulder holding two test tube shots in his talons ] [ dissolve to a fun game of Limbo, as the Falcon goes under the limbo stick ]

Voice of Co-Ed: Come on, Falcon!

Falcon: [ screeches in excitement ] [ dissolve to Falcon holding camcorder, as two co-eds flash their boobs for him ] [ dissolve to Falcon in an intimate conversation with Co-Ed #2 ]

Co-Ed #2: Hey.. you wanna go upstairs?

Falcon: [ squawks ]

Co-Ed #2: [ giggles ] I know. [ moves in to kiss Falcon on the beak ] [ dissolve to College Dean in bed with co-eds, Falcon perched atop the headboard ]

College Dean: Oh, I’ve got an idea! Let’s go to IHOP and get some waffles!

[ the girls giggle, Falcon flies in the air to leave ]

Co-Ed #2: Oh, Falcon.. you never stay.

[ Falcon flies into the air; close-up of his steadfast face ] [ Falcon spots a saw and toolkit lying in the grass below, and swoops down for it ] [ dissolve to The Falconer still trapped under the log ]

The Falconer: Oh, many is the day I wish I never opened that mysterious package.. containing, as it did..

[ Falcon swoops down and drops the saw to the Falconer’s legs ]

The Falconer: Oh, Donald! Oh, Donald! I knew I could count on you! [ holds up saw ] I will use this saw to cut the tree, and free myself so that I may live!

Falcon: [ squawks ]

The Falconer: You’re right! It would be quicker to just cut my leg off! Oh, Donald. You’re a true friend! Hopefully, one day we can return to society. But until that day, you will be the Falcon.. and I will remain..

Announcer V/O: ..”The Falconer”!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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