Global Century Investments


02j: Ray Liotta / The Donnas

Global Century Investments

Peter Burke…..Chris Parnell
Investor #1…..Maya Rudolph
Investor #2…..Jim Downey
Investor #3…..Fred Armisen
Investor #4…..Seth Meyers
Investor #5…..Rachel Dratch
Investor #6…..Chris Kattan
Investor #7…..Will Forte
Investor #8…..Dean Edwards
Investor #9…..Amy Poehler
Investor #10…..Jimmy Fallon

[ SUPER: “Straight talk about today’s markets” ] [ dissolve to Peter burke standing before a seminar of investors ]

Peter Burke: [ acknowledging a raised hand ] Yes?

Investor #1: We’re entering the fourth year of a down stock market. Is it time to sell yet?

Investor #2: Have we hit bottom yet?

Investor #3: What can you tell small investors who are really starting to worry?

[ cut to Peter Burke ] [ SUPER: “Peter Burke, CEO Global Century Investments” ]

Peter Burke: Just this: Relax. The market goes up, the market goes down. But, over the long haul, the market goes up. [ a hand is raised ] Yes?

Investor #4: Is there any chance the stocks might rebound this year?

Peter Burke: I’m really the wrong guy to ask. I got completely out of stocks in late ’99, and I haven’t followed the market since.

Investor #5: You got out of the market three years ago?

Peter Burke: Yes. You see.. around that time, we at Global Century became convinced that stocks were headed for a crash, and that bonds were the safer bet. And, we were right. My own bond portfolio is up nearly 30%.

Investor #5: But, if you were moving out of stocks and into bonds three years ago, why were your brokers telling people like me to do the exact opposite.

Peter Burke: Well, obviously, if you think, as we did, that stocks are heading down, and you want to unload them before a crash, you have to convince somebody out there to buy them. That’s just common sense. [ a hand is raised ] Yes?

Investor #6: Back in the summer of 2001, I wanted to move money into some defense-related and home security stocks, but your brokers talked me out of it. Is that because you and your friends were buying those stocks and wanted to keep the price down?

Peter Burke: Exactly! We felt that, with the 9/11 terror attacks coming up later in the summer, that sector of the market would probabyl triple in value. And, once again, we were right.

Investor #7: [ amazed ] You knew in advance about 9/11?

Peter Burke: Basically. [ a hand is raised ] Yes?

Investor #8: So, earlier, when you said you don’t own any stocks, that was a lie, right?

Peter Burke: Correct. That was a lie. [ a hand is raised ] Yes?

Investor #9: Hi. Like a lot of us here, I followed your broker’s advice, and, over the last few years, I lost 80% of my life savings.

Peter Burke: That does not surprise me at all.

Investor #9: I’d just like to say, that even though I think you’re an evil person, and even though I came here intending to kill you, I’ve been really impressed with your honesty.

[ everyone claps ]

You’re kind of straight talk is rare in today’s business world.

Peter Burke: Thank you. At Global Century, we like to be completely upfront with our clients. That’s why, in our prospectus, we clearly state that our investment advice is often self-interested or deceitful, and may work to our client’s disadvantage. We think.. you deserve to know that.

[ everyone claps ]

Voiceover: For straight answers to your investment questions, stop by our offices for a free consultation.

Peter Burke: Yes?

Investor #10: It doesn’t say that in your prospectus.

Peter Burke: Sure it does.

Investor #10: No, it doesn’t.

Peter Burke: Yes. It’s in there. You have to read it.

Investor #10: I read it. It’s not in there.

Peter Burke: You’re right. It’s not in there. I just assumed you hadn’t read it.

Investor #10: I appreciate your honesty.

Peter Burke: You bet.

Voiceover: Global Century Investments. Hard questions, straight answers.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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