The Hangman
The Hangman…..Ray Liotta
Bart…..Will Forte
Bart’s Wife…..Amy Poehler
Grandma…..Rachel Dratch
Jingle:
“He protects the region
No honest man should fear him
He’s swift to call for justice, he is..
The Hangman.”
Anouncer: “The Hangman”! In color!
[ dissolve to close-up on Hangman’s noose. camera pans to reveal Hangman speaking to criminal Bart from outside Bart’s cell ]
The Hangman: This could be your last meal, so enjoy it. When it comes sunrise, you belong to me.. [ music sting ] ..The Hangman!
Bart: Don’t you worry. My family will figure out some way to come up with the money.
The Hangman: For your sake, they’d better!
Bart: Oh, they won’t let me down.. I just know it.
[ Bart’s Wife and Grandma enter ]
Bart’s Wife: Well, Bart.. we couldn’t raise the money. I fear tomorrow morning, you belong to.. [ music sting ] ..The Hangman!
Grandma: It’s not over, child! The Lord will show us the way out of this dark valley.
Bart’s Wife: I hope you’re right, Grandma.
Bart: Please, Hangman.. I don’t want to die. I only stole that cow so I could get some milk for my younguns.
The Hangman: Well, I’m sorry, son. That cow belongs to Col. Blackstone, and he’s a mighty powerful man in these parts.
Bart’s Wife: But Col. Blackstone doesn’t deal out the justice in Stone Canyon. You do, Hangman. Isn’t there anything you can do?
Bart: Isn’t there anything you want?
The Hangman: Could you ladies excuse us for a second? [ the women exit ] I need to set you straight, partner! You don’t try to bribe.. [ music sting ] ..The Hangman!
Bart: I’m sorry.. I-
The Hangman: I want you to hear something, and I want you to hear it good! I am.. [ music sting ] ..The Hangman! Justice is my creed, and justice is my way of life!
Bart: I-I understand-
The Hangman: On the other hand.. I am incredibly horny! So.. maybe we could work something out, if ya.. get my drift.
Bart: [ unsteady ] I.. never made it with.. another man.. but I guess-
The Hangman: Whoa, whoa, whoa! not you, homo! I’m talking about that fine lady you brought with you.
Bart: Hangman, I don’t want to die. But my marriage is a sacred thing. I’m not sure my wife could ever forgive me if I asked her to lay with you..
The Hangman: A-gain! you’re getting waaay ahead of me! I am not a homewrecker! I don’t want you wife. [ a beat ] I want your grandma! [ laughs ]
Bart: Aw, man! That’s gross!
The Hangman: You’re not in a position to judge! I mean, what’s the big deal? I’s like the gray foxes! [ laughs sadistically ]
Bart: Come on, man! She’s 82!
The Hangman: 82 years.. young.
Bart: That didn’t make it sound better! You still want to have sex with my grandma!
The Hangman: It’s either that, or you swing from the gallows!
Bart: [ shaking head ] Oh.. I gotta talk to my wife about this.. Katie! Come here!
[ Bart’s Wife re-enters ]
Bart’s Wife: What is it, Bart?
Bart: Well.. the Hangman’s willing to let me go.. in exchange for sexual favors..
Bart’s Wife: [ willing without question ] Alright, Hangman! You’re in for the ride of your life!
Bart: [ outraged at her willingness ] Keep your bloomers on, Katie!
Bart’s Wife: I know it’s a big sacrifice.. but if he’s willing to let you go, I’ll do him and his buddies!
Bart: Wait! Who-who said anything about his buddies?! Hey, he doesn’t want you! He wants Grandma!
Bart’s Wife: [ now turned off ] Well, that’s gross! Hangman, please.
The Hangman: What?!
Bart’s Wife: Come on, you’re like 30! And she’s 82! And a ripe 82, at that! It’s not normal!
The Hangman: It’s more common than you think. Late at night, I get on the telegraph.. a lot of people are into older ladies! [ changes subject ] Anyway! That’s the only way Bart goes free!
Bart: [ relunctant ] Katie, she’s, uh.. your grandma.. so, uh.. maybe you should ask her?
Bart’s Wife: I am not gonna ask my Grandma to bone the Hangman!
Bart: Fine! Fine! I’ll ask her! Grandma, come here! [ Grandma re-enters ] The Hangman said he would let me go.
Grandma: [ relieved ] I knew the Lord would save you!
Bart: Not so quick, Grandma.. there’s a catch. You see, uh.. he wants to, uh.. how do I put this, uh.. I can’t really say this out loud.. He wants to.. [ bends over and whispers in Grandma’s ear ]
Grandma: What? Huh? Posse?! I don’t have a posse! What?!
The Hangman: Let me tell her! Ma’am, I’ll let Bart go if you agree.. to make love with me.
Grandma: [ turned off ] Oh, that’s gross! Come on! I’m 82!
Bart’s Wife: [ being helpful ] I could wear a grey wig, soak in the tub and get all pruny!
Bart: Katie!
Bart’s Wife: What?!
The Hangman: That won’t do! Grandma, you are the only thing that can save Bart from the noose!
Grandma: [ giving in ] Fine! I’ll do it! I gotta worn ya – last time I did this, I broke my hip!
[ Hangman and Grandma exit to back room ]
Bart: I feel terrible for putting Grandma through that, but, uh..
[ Hangman and Grandma re-enter ]
The Hangman: Ohhhhh, I couldn’t go through with it! You’re good country people.. so I’m gonna let you go free, and stay true to the Hangman’s Code!
Grandma: Hangman’s Code? Please! I unbuttoned his pants, and Quickdraw McGraw here was done!
The Hangman: It doesn’t matter, the reason! I’m letting you go, Bart! [ opens up cell ]
Bart: Hangman, I think you need some help.
The Hangman: Leave, before I change my mind! And don’t be telling everybody about this! I have a reputation to maintain! After all, I am.. [ music sting ] ..The Hangman!
[ fade ]
