Live with Regis & Kelly
Regis Philbin…..Darrell Hammond
Kelly Ripa…..Amy Poehler
David Caruso…..Ray Liotta
[ Regis and Kelly enters set and take their seats ]
Announcer: It’s “Live with Regis & Kelly”! Today, we’ve got the star of the hit CBS drama “CSI Miami, David Caruso; from Broadway’s “Man of La Mancha”, Brian Stokes Mitchell; plus: Wild, Wild Travel Trivia. Now, here are Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa!
Kelly Ripa: Morning!
Regis Philbin: Well, well, well, good morning, everybody! Let me start off-
Kelly Ripa: [ interrupting ] Good morning, what a great day, it’s snowing!
Regis Philbin: [ tries again ] A dear friend of mine-
Kelly Ripa: Don’t you love it when it snows in New York? It’s so romantic!
Regis Philbin: [ makes another stab at his story ] ..And a friend of mine is in the audience today. I’ve known him for over forty years.
Kelly Ripa: Wowwww.. I haven’t known anybody for four years!
Regis Philbin: [ tries again ] He calls me up one night around dinner time-
Kelly Ripa: Oh, like a telemarketer! Why do they always call at dinner time? Regis! Did you think he was a telemarketer?
Regis Philbin: [ stunned ] Anyway, let me tell you. The phone rings, I see the Caller ID – do you have this on, do you have the Caller ID? It’s terrific!
Kelly Ripa: Yeah, you can use it to screen your calls.
Regis Philbin: Oh. [ begins his spiel, as Kelly talks amongst herself next to him ] The Caller ID says “Chester Lesko. I dn’t recognize the name, so I don’t answer it! That’s the kind of guy I am! I know he’s my friend, I’ve known him for forty years! But I know him as “Chicky”! I know him as Chicky Lesko! All my life, I thought his name was Chicky! I thought it was his real name! Anyway, he’s here today – so wonderful!
Alright. Now, I understand you brought some new pictures of the kiddies to show us.
Kelly Ripa: Yes. This is 16-month old..
Regis Philbin: Adorable!
Kelly Ripa: This is my 11-month old..
Regis Philbin: Adorable!
Kelly Ripa: This is my 7-month old..
Regis Philbin: So cute!
Kelly Ripa: And this is my 3-month old, she’s a wittle peanut!
Regis Philbin: Adorable! Oh, boy! [ points to Kelly’s pregnant stomach ] And when is this one due again?
Kelly Ripa: This one’s due any time now, and we found out this weekend that there’s one in there behind it that’s due in July!
Regis Philbin: She’s very fertile, this one! She’s delivered more babies than Dr. Kildare!
Kelly Ripa: [ laughing ] Who is that! Is that your doctor! [ laughs ]
Regis Philbin: Anyway.. how are you today, Gelman?[ cut to Gelman standing in front of camera, wrapped in a feather boa ]
Gelman: I’m great, Reege!
Regis Philbin: Gelman! How was your weekend?
Gelman: Fine. My wife and I had dinner at Pestiff’s. Uh.. then I went to out a few clubs of my own, so..
Regis Philbin: That’s terrific! Now, who’s our first guest today, Gelman?
Gelman: David Caruso.
Kelly Ripa: Ah! He was so good in “Jade”!
Regis Philbin: And “NYPD Blue” and “CSI”. boy, he’s got real charisma, this guy. He’s a regular James Cagney!
Kelly Ripa: Who is that! Nobody knows who that is, Reege!
Regis Philbin: [ stunned ] Please welcome.. David Caruso![ David Caruso comes out and sits ]
David Caruso: Morning! Morning!
Regis Philbin: Boy, oh boy, oh boy.. “CSI Miami” is back. You are hot, baby, you are on top!
Kelly Ripa: You are so believable on that show! [ to Regis ] Isn’t he believable?
David Caruso: [ humbly, yet annoyed ] Thank you. I feel very fortunate to have a project that was worthy of me.
Kelly Ripa: Like “Jade”! “Jade”.
Regis Philbin: Now, for those of you who don’t remember.. David was very popular on “NYPD Blue”. But he said, “I’m getting out of here. I’m too big for this,” and you left. You lerned your lesson, ’cause you were out of work for years! Ka-poot!
David Caruso: Actually, I made some films during that time, that I’m very, very proud of. “Cold Around The Heart”.. “Body Count”..
Regis Philbin: Nobody saw it!
David Caruso: A film called “Swirly”.
Regis Philbin: Nobody saw it!
David Caruso: “Deadlock”.
Regis Philbin: Nobody!
Kelly Ripa: I saw it. I didn’t like it! [ laughs at her inanity ]
Regis Philbin: But now you’re back, David – boy, with “CSI Miami”.. and, David, I gotta ask you, why did you fire Kim Delaney?
David Caruso: I didn’t fire her, Regis. Sometimes when a show is new, it takes time to find the right balance between me, the main character, and the other talking meat sticks.
Regis Philbin: You hated her guts, didn’t you, David?
David Caruso: No, not at all.
Regis Philbin: You got rid of her.
David Caruso: No, no, no.. the producers felt that-
Regis Philbin: How do you do it, David? When you have a co-host that drive you nuts, how do you get rid of her?!
Kelly Ripa: [ catching on, laughing ] Re-gis!
Regis Philbin: I mean, after fifty years in the business.. who do I have to schtuck to get my own show?!
David Caruso: It’ll come, it’ll come.. you have to trust your talent.
Regis Philbin: Tell me, Gelman – Gelman! Who do I have to schtuck?!
Gelman: [ chuckling, shakes head ] Don’t look at me, Reege!
Regis Philbin: Anyway.. Joy and I had Jerry and Elaine over for breakfast the other day – it was nothing fancy, just some Egg Beaters, some toast with Smart Balance.. and Big Jerry Orbach – you know, he’s tall – he said to me that he wanted-[ in the middle of Regis’ story, Kelly suddenly gives birth to one of the children she was carrying in her stomach ]
Kelly Ripa: Ohhhh, it’s a boy! [ to her stomach ] You have a brother! [ baby is taken away ]
Regis Philbin: There goes my story! I’m trying to tell a story, she’s squeezing one out over here! [ to audience ] When we come back: Wild, Wild, Wild Trivia! David, do you like trivia?
David Caruso: [ fuming ] No.
Regis Philbin: That’s terrific! Join us, for trivia![ show fades ]