Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

02j: Ray Liotta / The Donnas

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Tim Calhoun…..Will Forte
…..Tracy Morgan

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

President Bush announced Wednesday that his administration would challenge an affirmative action program at the University of Michigan, calling it “fundamentally flawed.” It’s nice to know that, while juggling Iraq, North Korea and economic reform, the President still has time to stick it to the black man. Happy Martin Luther King Day, everybody!

Playboy is looking for women to star in a Girls of Starbuck pictorial. Ideally, they’re looking for vente girls with grande breasts.

It was reported that, while shooting the film “Gangs of New York”, actor Daniel Day-Lewis got into character as a violent murderer by listening to Eminem music. In a related story, Jerry O’Connell got into character for “Kangaroo Jack” by not saving any of the money he made on previous jobs.

[ show picture of former AOL-Time Warner chairman ]
Welcome. You got fired!

The MTA will hold hearings next month to discuss ending the use of subway tokens in New York. Apparently, the only joy MTA workers get is watching people incorrectly swipe a metro card and then slam their groins into the turnstile. Sick people, they’re sick people!

Tina Fey: Guy Ritchie said in an interview this week that he and wife Madonna have not watched television in three years, to avoid seeing any unpleasant news stories about themselves. They have also stopped going to Walgreens, to avoid seeing “Swept Away” in the video bean- bin! In the video bin, between the chocolate Easter bunnies and the itch cream. I tripped on it a little bit, but it’s just a mean joke about Madonna! They won’t see it, they don’t watch TV!

Jimmy Fallon: This past Monday, Sen. Joe Lieberman announced his candidacy for the 2004 Presidential election. And, today, another high-profile politician announced that he’s running as well. Please welcome Tim Calhoun, everybody.

Tim Calhoun: I am Tim Calhoun.. and I am running for the office of President of America. You’re probably wondering why I, Tim Calhoun, should be next President of America.. and that is why I am going to tell you why I, Tim Calhoun, should be next President of America. I’ve got a lot of great ideas.

I propose a little more California, and a little less Mexico.

When’s there going to be a China person on the Supreme Court? I propose.. never.

I say we ask France if they want to trade the Eiffel Tower for the Grand Canyon.. but after they send us the Eiffel Tower, we don’t send them the Grand Canyon.

Horsey sex is bad. I want to make a law against that. Horseys are for riding.

Blind people think they’re so cool.

[ checking his note cards ]

I miss dinosaurs. Let’s do something about that.

In conclusion, and in summary, vote for me, Tim Calhoun, and I’ll turn unemployment into a shiny diamond.

Jimmy Fallon: Tim Calhoun for President, everybody! Good luck to you, buddy!

Tina Fey: A new solution to menstrual cramps, on the market, is Vipon, a vibrating, motorized tampon that shakes with a comforting frequency – unless you anger it. Then, Vipon go crazy, smash uterus!

Jimmy Fallon: A study reveals that dogs catching a frisbee use the same instinctive arithmetic as outfielders when they catch a fly ball.

Tina Fey: Bitch! I told you “Air Bud 2” was real!

Jimmy Fallon: Woman! It’s a movie!

Joan Rivers will not face charges for an incident in which she assaulted a clerk at a car rental agency. Rivers was so relieved by the news, she immediately scheduled an operation to have a smile installed.

This week, actor Tom Cruise was awarded $10 million in his lawsuit against a gay porn star, who claimed that they had a sexual encounter. The gay porn star could not be reached for comment because his mouth was very busy trying to earn $10 million.

Because they are sluggish and no longer amuse the public, a number of middle age chimpanzees in a German zoo are being sent to earlier retirement. Zoo officials said they knew the chimps were slowing down, when they started throwing their poop underhand.

Tina Fey: This week, the Bush administration filed two briefs with the Supreme Court. They claim that affirmative action programs at the University of Michigan were actually nothing more than racial quota systems in disguise, and were unconstitutional. Here to share his own views on affirmative action, is our own Tracy Morgan.

[ Tracy Morgan scoots up behind desk, dressed to the hilt like a Pimp Daddy ]

Tracy Morgan: Yup! Well, that’s the end of that! Don’t tell me you don’t know what I’m talking about, Jimmy and Tina Fey! Right after the President came out against affirmative action, I noticed I wasn’t in any sketches this week! ME!! Tracy Morgan! The STAR of this show!! Now, how do you explain that, Jim?!

Jimmy Fallon: I.. you didn’t really have a funny sketch this week..

Tracy Morgan: [ laughs ] I love you, Jim Fallon.. but you are one blind dude! Tina know! ‘Cause she was in on it! It was her, and lorne Michaels – they against affirmative action!

Tina Fey: Ah, ah.. no, Tracy.. I firmly stand behind affirmative action. I just think that in this case..

Tracy Morgan: Ah, nah! Don’t try your Jedi mind trick on me, Tina! You see, I’m a Jedi Master! I’m not gonna be the Connie Rice of this show! Did you see that, Jim?! Did you see where Bush and Cheney and Tina Fey tried to pull sweet, sweet Condi into this whole mess!

Jimmy Fallon: A little bit..

Tracy Morgan: She wasn’t with him, Jim!

Jimmy Fallon: Nope..

Tracy Morgan: She came out today! To-day! And she says she ain’t havin’ none of them! Yo, Con-di! Con-di! You know me, baby. It’s Big Tray from the group home. [ singing ] “Do you remember the time.. we fell in love? Do you remember the time.. when we first met, gi-irl?”

Tina Fey: He’s singing Michael Jackson..

Tracy Morgan: Condoleeza! I know you remember me! Girl! Yuo gotta hollar at your boy Bush – set him straight! Once you talk to him.. Tina, Lorne, they gonna fall in line! And I’ll be back, heavy on the show! You know what I’m sayin’? Handle your business, girl! Hit me on the cellular! Peace in the Middle East, I’m out!

Tina Fey: Tracy Morgan, everybody!
,br>[ Tracy scoots away, off the set ]

Is he gone?

Jimmy Fallon: How did he find out?

Tina Fey: I don’t know.. I didn’t tell him.

Jimmy Fallon: Probably Bill Gates told him..

Tina Fey: Maybe Lorne told himm.. hmm..

[ moving on to final joke ]

Jimmy Fallon: Castaway Travels is offering a vacation package that includes a clothes-free night.. uh.. clothes-free flight, from Miami.. uh, let me start this over.

Tina Fey: Start over!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah! Alright, here we go.. this is gonna be great! Act surprised!

Castaway Travels is offering a vacation package that includes a clothes-free flight from Miami to Cancun. Good God, that’s a huge set-up there.

Tina Fey: Wait. A naked airline? Are you thinking what I’m thinking.

Jimmy Fallon: That’s right, Tina. I think it’s time for a Weekend Update Joke-Off.

[ festive music plays, show title card ]

Okay, okay.. there’s an airline where all the passenger are naked! Ready? go! Uh.. more nuts? Yes! how did you know? [ slaps buzzer ]

Tina Fey: Uh.. uh.. Careful! Your bags may have shifted during the flight! [ slaps buzzer ]

Jimmy Fallon: Ladies and gentlemen, if you’ll look to your right, you’ll see some grand canyons! [ slaps buzzer ]

Tina Fey: Uh.. for the last time, Ma’am: vibrators are not an approved electronic device! [ slaps buzzer ]

Jimmy Fallon: Uh.. this is the only plane that has fourteen cockpits! [ slaps buzzer ]

Tina Fey: Uh.. uh.. we’re about to land, please put your genitals in the upright and locked position! [ slaps buzzer ]

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, Tina Fey wins! With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts