Blind Date


02k: Matthew McConaughey / Dixie Chicks

Blind Date

Barton…..Matthew McConaughey
Jolie…..Rachel Dratch

Jolie: So, um.. so you do mostly watercolors.

Barton: Mmm.. I do, uh.. watercolors

Jolie: Oh.

Barton: Everything except fingerpaint.

Jolie: Oh! [ laughs ]

Barton: Uhh.. you know, Jolie, I gotta tell ya.. for a blind date, I think this is going really well.

Jolie: [ laughs ] I know! No awkward pauses!

[ they both laugh at the joke, leaving themselves wide open for a short pause ]

Barton: Oops! There’s one right there! [ they laugh again ] Just kidding! Just kidding!

Jolie: So, uh.. you went to Morehouse College?

Barton: Oh no, thatÂ’s a black college. I went to Grambling.

Jolie: So, uh.. so, when did you graduate?

Barton: [ a beat ] Guess how old I am.

Jolie: Oh.. alright. I’m gonna say you’re.. 34.

Barton: 34?! That’s it exactly! Look at you, Miss Impressive!

Jolie: [ amazed at her perceptive ability ] Alright, guess how old I am!

Barton: No, no, no, no, I don’t do that. No, I’m a bad guesser, a really bad guesser.

Jolie: Oh, come on, silly! Just guess!

Barton: No, I’m telling you, I’m really bad at this..

Jolie: Oh, go ahead, Barton!

Barton: Okay.. [ sighs ] Here goes.. I believe that you are.. [ thinking ] ..48.

Jolie: [ stunned ] What?!

Barton: Ohh, you see? I told you, I suck at this! I’m not good at this!

Jolie: 48?! You’re not serious, right?

Barton: No, no, you’re right, you’re right, bad guess, bad guess.. Let me try this again.

Jolie: Okay. [ chuckles ]

Barton: You’re 49!

Jolie: [ outraged ] No! I’m not 49! I’m much younger that 49!

Barton: Okay, okay.. 47.

Jolie: No.

Barton: 46.

Jolie: Mmm-hmm.

Barton: 45?

Jolie: No!

Barton: 50?

Jolie: No! I’m the same age as you, I’m 34!

Barton: Oh. Okay. You know what? We’re not getting off to as good as a start as I thought.. you know, let me try this, let me try this.. I’m not very good.. at guessing ages, okay? But what I do have a talent for.. is guessing weight.

Jolie: [ excited by the prospect ] Really!

Barton: I do! I want to get us back in the groove here again, so I’m gonna guess your weight. I’ve seen you, I’ve walked around with you, I’m looking at you right now.. and I’m gonna say that you are weighing in at an evennn.. 185.

Jolie: [ outraged ] What?!

Barton: 200?

Jolie: You’re joking, right?

Barton: No. You know I’m right, cutie! Come on. Two hundo.

Jolie: I.. I don’t weight two hundo!

Barton: Okay, maybe you don’t weight two hundo.. but I betcha.. that your license.. says 195.

Jolie: [ sighs exasperation ] That is nowhere near correct! I can’t believe you said 195! Geesh!

Barton: Bartohn strikes out again. Okay.. I’ll tell you what. I’ve got an idea.. I’ve got an idea.. Let me draw your portrait.

Jolie: [ excited by the prospect ] Really! Okay!

Barton: Maybe I can shut my big mouth, huh! [ they laugh, as he pulls out a drawing pad ]

Jolie: I never had my portrait drawn by a professional artist!

Barton: Well, it’s about to happen. Let me tell you a little secret: I don’t do these for just anybody. Only people I am very endeared to.

Jolie: [ flattered ] Okay, well..

Barton: Now, to make a really nice portrait, I’m going to have to ask you a couple of personal questions, okay? Like, what are your hobbies?

Jolie: Oh. Well, um.. I like skiing, and tennis.

Barton: [ piqued by her hobbies ] You do? Maybe we can do that on a second date? A little surf-n-turf, huh?

Jolie: [ giggles ] Sounds great!

Barton: Alright.

Jolie: We’ll have to go out another time!

Barton: [ finishes up the portrait ] Who-aoa! Oh, look at you! And.. and.. and.. and.. [ tears sheet from drawing pad, holds up stick drawing of fat woman holding skis and tennis racket ] Done!

Jolie: [ annoyed and outraged ] Oh, my God!

Barton: Yes! The attention to the detail

Jolie: Are you crazy?! This.. looks.. nothing like me!

Barton: What? What’s the problem with it?

Jolie: Oh, my God..

Barton: Okay, you know what? Okay, let me try again. Just give me another chance. One more chance, okay? [ thinking ] Let me guess.. how many men you’ve slept with.

Jolie: [ more annoyed than ever ] Oh, come on!

Barton: Come on, come on, come on, come on.. [ thinking ] 959.

Jolie: What?!

Barton: It’s a little too high?

Jolie: What?!

Barton: 959?

Jolie: Yes! Right on the nose!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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