Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 11
Dave Wooderson….Matthew McCounaughey
DJ Johnathan Feinstein….Seth Meyers
[Computer screen beeps. Web cam comes alive with Jarret’s show. Jarret’s dreadlocks are red]
Jarret: Hey, what’s up everybody? Its me Jarret coming to you live from McGinn Hall here at Hampshire college. Valentine’s Day is a week away and I’m totally ready! Check it out, red hair. By the way, when the directions on your hair dye say “do not use near genitals”, that’s not a suggestion. Don’t learn that the hard way. Ok, now give it up for our house band! DJ Johnathan Feinstein!
[whips camera towards Johnathan, he is dressed like a member of ZZ Top’s, “Legs” plays]
DJ Johnathan Feinstein: Yeah, take it away, Jarret!
Jarret: Dude, just because it’s retro, doesn’t mean it’s cool.
DJ Johnathan Feinstein: Fair enough.
[Jarret whips the camera back on himself]
Jarret: All right. Now please welcome, my best friend and roommate, Goby!
[Goby laughs and holds up a Ballantine’s bottle]
Goby: [singing] You can grow your own weed! Grow your own weed!
Jarret: That Fleetwood Mac?
Goby: I don’t know! It is Cadillac! Happy Ballantine’s Day everybody!
Jarret: Yeah, I get it, I get it…Ballantine’s Day, like Valentine’s Day.
Goby: What’s Valentine’s Day?
Jarret: You got problems, dude. All right, this next guy is like my personal hero. He’s the only guy that’s been a student at Hampshire longer than me and Goby. Please welcome, Dave Wooderson.
[camera whips to the door, spaced out thirty-something hippie enters, DJ Johnathan Feinstein plays “Legs”]
Dave Wooderson: All right, all right, all right.
Jarret: What’s going on, man?
Dave Wooderson: I’ll tell you what, bro’. Throwing a rager up on Schneider’s Hill. We got two ponies of Natty light. Some Bacardi breezers for the ladies. And my buddy Tobey is going to be renting his van by the half hour. Check this, man. He just had shag carpet installed, so its real easy on the knees.
Jarret: So, dude what are you now? You’re like 30?
Dave Wooderson: No, I’m 33 years young, bro’. Me, Jesus Christo and Larry Bird. Heh, heh, heh.
Jarret: For those of you who don’t know, Wooderson here has been going to Hampshire since 1984. We got some pictures to prove it.
[Jarret clicks some keys]
[80’s photo of Wooderson leaning on a car dressed and looking exactly the same]
Dave Wooderson: Oh, check that, man. That’s from my first day at school. We just came from seeing “Teen Wolf”. Boy, you should’ve seen that wolf dance. [90’s photo, the same pose, only difference is Wooderson’s hair and baggy clothes] Oh, right on, man. That’s 91. That was my Vanilla Ice phase. Learned some nice dance moves then.
[Photo of Wooderson surrounded by a mob of people]
Jarret: What’s happening in that one?
Dave Wooderson: Righteous, man. That’s all my roommates over the years, man. Those are 384 good dudes, man. Good times.
Goby: Ha! ha! Check it out! [holds up the bottle] Read it and weep! Ballantine’s Day! In your face!
Jarret: Dude, Ballantine is—forget it.
[Dumb jock enters]
Jeff: Shut up out there, nerds! I’m trying to work out!
Jarret: Yeah, right. You’re working out, all right. You normally work out naked watching scrambled cable?
Jeff: What? Shut up. Hey, Wooderson. [leaves]
Dave Wooderson: Hey Jeffro.
Jarret: You know Jeff?
Dave Wooderson: Oh yeah, man. That’s my nephew.
Jarret: Oh, that reminds me. We totally found a video Valentine Jeff is gonna send to his girlfriend back home. Gotta see this.
[Jarret clicks some keys, video appears of Jeff shirtless, he has a glittery bow and arrow, angel wings on his back]
Jeff: [sings] You can reach me by caravan, cross the desert like an Arab man, I don’t care how you get here, just get here if you can…
[back to Jarret’s room]
Jarret: What a bonehead!!!
Dave Wooderson:[moved] No, man. He may be a bonehead but you can tell he means it.
Jarret: Yes, I guess so.
[Three cute girls sit around Wooderson]
Jarret: Dude, you got us dates for the party, dude?!
Dave Wooderson: No, man. These chicks are with me. [One girl puts a cigarette in Dave’s mouth] What can I say, friends? There’s nothing sweeter than the life of a 33 year old college sophomore. Tell you what Jarret, Goby, I got to get moving on here so you just all keep living.
Jarret: Well, that’s all the time we have for today. DJ Johnathan Feinstein take us out dude!
[DJ Johnathan spins his guitar, “Sharp dressed man” plays, computer logs off]
[cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel