Protest Leader…..Matthew McConaughey
Gay Protestor #1…..Jimmy Fallon
Gay Protestor #2…..Fred Armisen
Stoned Protestor #1…..Horatio Sanz
Stoned Protestor #2…..Tracy Morgan
Whale Protestor…..Chris Parnell
Pro-Life Protestor #1…..Maya Rudolph
Pro-Life Protestor #2…..Chris Kattan
Confused Protestor…..Amy Poehler
Female Protestor…..Rachel Dratch
Black Protestor…..Dean Edwards
[ open on anti-war rally in front of the Lincoln Memorial ]
Protest Leader: Yeah. We’re here today, on the steps of Lincoln Memorial, to send a message to the war hawks – or, should I say, chicken hawks – right here in Washington, D.C.! For diplomacy.. for.. no.. war.. in Iraq![ the crowd cheers their enthusiasm ]
Protest Leader: Yeah! That’s right! That’s right! You see, the Bush administration.. must know the reason.. for this protest. We demonstrate for peace! My voice.. your voice.. thousands of voices! Rising up as one![ the crowd cheers their enthusiasm ]
Gay Protestor #1: [ raising his voice above the cheers ] We’re HERE! We’re QUEER! Get USED to it!
Protest Leader: [ dismayed at the unexpected outburst ] No, no, no, no, no, no, not exactly! But, yes! We are people from all walks of life, who are coming together today for a single purpose, yeah!
Gay Protestor #1: For GAY RIGHTS!
Protest Leader: No. Not gay rights.
Gay Protestor #1: You’re against gay rights?!
Gay Protestor #2: Homophobe!
Protest Leader: That’s not.. that not what I meant. I support gay rights, alright? But today – today, people – we are gathered here to protest the Bush administration’s.. illegal war!
Stoned Protestor #1: [ in another unexpected, perhaps malicious, outburst ] Yeahh!! Drugs should be LEGAL!!
Stoned Protestor #2: Stop the drug war!
Protest Leader: No! Not that war!
Stoned Protestor #2: You know, they use hemp to make rope!
Protest Leader: Yes, I know that! Alright? But that is not what we’re here for today! Alright, we have one purpose today!
Whale Protestor: SAVE THE WHALES!!
Protest Leader: Oh, come on, man! That’s so old school! I don’t even think the whales are in trouble any more!
Whale Protestor: With that attitude, they are!
Protest Leader: Hey! Can everybody sit with me a minute?! Alright?! We are talking about.. Iraq!
Whale Protestor: Don’t send the whales to Iraq!!
Protest Leader: [ with teeth clenched ] Nobody wants to send any whales to Iraq, man! Alright, it’s not about that! It’s about not sending our children into war!
Pro-Life Protestor #1: [ in yet another unexpected and inappropriate outburst ] And the UNBON CHILDREN!! Save the UNBORN CHILDREN!!
Pro-Life Protestor #2: YEAH! Save them for FUTURE WARS!!
Protest Leader: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, listen, listen.. will the pro-lifers please stick to the program! Alright, regardless of what the White says.. we know what this war’s really about. Don’t we? It’s about.. oil.
Whale Protestor: Whale oil??
Protest Leader: No.
Pro-Life Protestor #1: BABY OIL??
Protest Leader: NO!!
Gay Protestor #1: Sex oil!
Protest Leader: [ outraged by all the needless outbursts ] NO!! It’s NOT ?? OIL!!
Confused Protestor: Stop killing our babies for their precious oil!!
Protest Leader: Are you talking about baby whales?!
Whale Protestor: No! I’m the whale guy!
Protest Leader: Oh. Sorry.
Confused Protestor: I was talking about ACTUAL BABIES!!
Protest Leader: Lady.. nobody makes oil out of babies.
Confused Protestor: [ a beat ] ..Realize that now!
Protest Leader: Okay..
Confused Protestor: Just got carried away!
Protest Leader: Okay. Now.. everybody. Can you work with me? Can you work with me? Can we get back on track here?
Female Protestor: Right! We must FEED THE CHILDREN!!
Stoned Protestor #2: YEAHHH!!! Feed ’em to the WHALES!!
Protest Leader: Hey! We need to show our government – and the world – that we’re being united here for one cause! Can we do that?![ the crowd cheers their enthusiasm ]
Protest Leader: Yes! Yes! A cause for respect for human life everywhere![ the crowd cheers their enthusiasm ]
Protest Leader: That every man is our brother! That every woman is our sister!
Pro-Life Protestors: Except the SMOKERS!!
Black Protestor: YEAH!! DOWN WITH THE SMOKERS!!
Gay Protestor #1: Yeah, why don’t you go back to.. [ thinking ] ..Smokesylvania!
Protest Leader: [ losing control again ] Alright..
Stoned Protestor #2: It’s okay to smoke WEED, though!!
Stoned Protestor #1: Yeahh!! It’s an herb! You can make rope out of it!
Protest Leader: You said that already!
Stoned Protestor #1: [ thinking ] Noooo! [ points to his buddy ] He said it last time!
Protest Leader: You know what.. everybody, just get with me for a second!! Alright, we’re not making rope!! We’re trying to stop a war! We’re trying to keep innocent people out of harm’s way!
Whale Protestor: Then, legalize porn!!
Protest Leader: Sir, it is legal.. okay?
Whale Protestor: Not the kind I like..
Protest Leader: Hey! You can’t just do a big scattershot protest with everyone’s personal agenda like this! Alright? Can we all just.. focus on why we gathered out here today, in front of Lincoln Memorial?!
Pro-Life Protestor #2: FREE LINCOLN!!!
Protest Leader: Free him from WHAT?! His GRAVE?!![ the crowd boos angrily, ready to attack the Protest Leader ]
Gay Protestor #1: [ weeping ] You should be sorry about that!
Whale Protestor: What are you joking down Lincoln for?!
Protest Leader: I’m not jumping down Lincoln, okay? My bad! I was out of line! But, people.. please.. can you hear me out? Can you let me say one thing, alright?! Here we go! Stay with me! Our.. elected leaders.. are marching us straight into a war without any consideration for our opinions. Without any consideration for our votes, for our say![ the crowd cheers their enthusiasm ]
Protest Leader: That’s right! That’s right! That’s right! Stay with me, stay with me.. Our freedoms are being taken away! And this whole situation with Iraq is to blame for it! So.. come on everybody! What do we say?
Crowd: BOMB IRAQ!! BOMB IRAQ!! BOMB IRAQ!! BOMB IRAQ!! BOMB IRAQ!!
Protest Leader: [ disgusted, steps down to leave ] Good luck..[ fade on the protest crowd, organized again for the wrong reason ]