U.N. Security Session

02k: Matthew McConaughey / Dixie Chicks

U.N. Security Session

Colin Powell…..Darrell Hammond
German Delegate…..Chris Parnell
Translator’s Voice for German Delegate…..Maya Rudolph
French Delegate…..Jimmy Fallon
Chinese Delegate…..Chris Kattan
Translator’s Voice for Chinese Delegate…..Paula Pell
Iceland Delegate…..Amy Poehler
Russian Delegate…..Rachel Dratch
Translator’s Voice for Russian Delegate…..
Chilian Delegate…..Fred Armisen
Translator’s Voice for Chilian Delegate…..Jim Downey
Syrian Delegate…..Horatio Sanz
Cameroon Delegate…..Dean Edwards

[ open on wide shot of United Nations Security Council, with SUPER: “Special Session United Nations Security Council, February 5th, 2003” ] [ dissolve to close-up of Colin Powell ]

Colin Powell: Distinguished colleagues, you have now seen the evidence. After twelve long years, the Iraqi regime of Saddam Hussein still refuses to honor its obligations under U.N. Security Council Resolution 687, and it is clear that, absent the threat of force, it has no intention.. of ever doing so. The time for delay has passed; it’s time to act. Thank you.

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Thank you, Secretary Powell, for a very compelling presentation. After hearing it, no member of this council can doubt the gravity of the situation in Iraq. Clearly, the most important thing right now is to do nothing. And the sooner, the better. Does the delegate from France wish to comment?

[ cut to French Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for French Delegate: I, too, commend Secretary Powell on his program here today. Very enjoyable. And those weapons of mass destruction – so unnecessary. But, to conclude our business here today, my government would like to propose the following: That we adjourn this special session of the security council, and all go to lunch at an extremely expensive restaurant, with the U.N. picking up the tab.

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: The Chair recognizes the delegate from China.

[ cut to Chinese Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for Chinese Delegate: It is the position of my government, that the representatives of the fifteen-member nations of the U.N. Security council – and their friends – now go to lunch at Le Grenoui, with the United Nations paying the exorbitant cost. I yield to the delegate from Iceland.

[ cut to Iceland Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for Iceland Delegate: Forgive me, but my government would like to point out that the members of the U.N. Security Council always go to Le Grenoui after an emergency session. I propose that we instead go to Less Banas, in the St. Regis Hotel, for our U.N. provided lunch.

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: But is Less Banas expensive enough?

[ cut to Iceland Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for Iceland Delegate: Definitely. With drinks, appetizer, and tip, the United Nations will not get out of there for less than $300 per person.

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Would the delegate from France like a ride to the restaurant in my stretch limosine, that the United Nation provides?

[ cut to French Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for French Delegate: There may not be room. Since the U.N. is paying for it, I wanted to bring my wife and two of my mistresses. Also my son, who is visiting from boarding school, and his mistress. Plus, my drug dealer and his girlfriend, a prostitute.

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Oh. Then you probably should go in your own U.N. provided stretch limosine, or, perhaps, two stretch limosines. The Chair recognizes the delegate from China.

[ cut to Chinese Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for Chinese Delegate: My government has a proposal. Instead of going in other delegates’ stretch limosines, I suggest that each of us, and each of our guests, go in his own stretch limosine. It will waste more money, and will enable us to tie up midtown traffic more effectively. I yield to the delegate from the Russian federation.

[ cut to Russian Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for Russian Delegate: I propose that, when we’re inside having lunch, we double-park our stretch limosines outside. Also, that we leave the engines running, since the U.N. is paying for the gas.

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Does the delegate from Chile wish to comment?

Translator’s Voice for Chilian Delegate: But if we double-park our limosines outside the restaurant, won’t our stretch limosines be ticketed?

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Is the delegate from Chile joking?

Translator’s Voice for Chilian Delegate: Of course I’m joking!

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: The delegate from Chile had me going there!

Translator’s Voice for Chilian Delegate: But may my government offer a suggestion? When we double-park our U.N.-provided stretch limosines, we should double-park them perpendicular to the other cars, rather than parallel. That way, we can totally shut down 5th Ave. I yield to the delegate from Syria.

[ cut to Syrian Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for Syrian Delegate: In view of our diplomatic immunity.. I would like to propose that, after lunch, we all head to Cartier for an afternoon of shoplifting.

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: That is the best idea I’ve heard all day. The Chair recognizes the delegate from Cameroon.

[ cut to Cameroon Delegate ]

Cameroon Delegate: [ speaks English ] I ask the Chair: Does our diplomatic immunity cover aggravated kidnapping and arson?

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: No.

[ cut to Cameroon Delegate ]

Cameroon Delegate: [ dejected ] Oh.. Well, my idea won’t work.

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Any other proposals? [ no more proposals come forth ] Well, in my view, this was an extremely productive session. Secretary Powell, your thoughts?

[ cut to Colin Powell, expression of horror on his face due to the vicious scheming of the world delegates ] [ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Alright, then. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts