A Message From The President Of The United States

02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

A Message From The President Of The United States

President George W. Bush…..Chris Parnell

[ open on Presidential Seal ]

Announcer: The following is an address by the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President George W. Bush sitting behind desk in Oval Office ]

President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. More than a year ago, this administration begin a sustained effort to rid the world, once and for all, of the threat posed by Saddam Hussein and his.. weapons of mass destruction. Throughout this process, as we’ve attempted to use diplomatic means to achieve our goal, we’ve met steady resistance. Not only from the Iraqi regime, but often from our own European allies. But we’ve persisted, because we thought the cause was too important, and the stakes too high to give up.

However, as of early this afternoon, it is no longer this administration’s policy to use diplomatic pressure to force Iraq to disarm. As of that time, this administration has officially lost interest in disarming Iraq. And now no longer cares whether Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction or not. I mean it! [ chuckles ] We just don’t care any more!

Now.. to those who have followed our public statements over the past fourteen months, this shift in policy will probably come as a surprise. But, last night as I was watching Belgium’s ambassador to the U.N. read his statement in response to the second report from the weapons inspectors.. and, in case you missed it, it was a heck of a presentation, a real humdinger! But somethnig he said struck me, and I turned to Colin Powell and Donald Rumsfeld, and I said, “Tell me the truth, guys.. how much do you really care if Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction?” And they told me, “Honestly, Mr. President – and, don’t be angry – but, at this point, we have no strong opinion either way.” “I know exactly what you mean,” I said. So then we called Dick Cheney to get his take, and that was the clincher! He said that, frankly, he’d always liked Iraq, and weapons of mass destruction. But he had backed policy because he wanted to be a team player. So, we all got talking, and.. half-an-hour later, we had a new Iraq policy. Which, basically, came down to the fact that we’re tired of thinknig about Saddma Hussein, and, as far as we’re concerned, he can pretty much do what he wants. We’re still not happy about him having weapons of mass destruction, and, possibly funneling them to terrorist groups.. but, let’s face it – that’s his business, and we’re staying out of it.

Now, of course, if some.. “private” organization, such as Greenpeace or the Red Cross or the Knights of Columbus wants to disarm Iraq.. they are more than welcome. And they can go over there and pressure the Iraqis to give up their weapons of mass destruction – if they actually have them, which, let’s be honest.. we don’t know for sure.

So, then. What’s next for this administration? Obviously, we’ve been focusing pretty much exclusively on Iraq for the last year, so we’ll need to retool. The first order of business is probably a vacation – say five to six months – after which, we can come back fresh, with a whole new agenda. Although, nationally, we will have to deal with the Iraqis, because, I’ll tell you – we’ve got some serious diplomatic fence-mending to do with them. But.. whatever our new agenda involves, I promise you.. we’ll think it through in advance, and, this time, we’ll stick with it.

In closing, I apologize for wasting everyone’s time on Iraq. And, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020. View all posts by Don Roy King