When The Lights Come Up
Girl under light…..Fred Armisen
Ernie under light…..Maya Rudolph
[ open on interior, ]
Guy: And then what happened?
Girl: And then.. I looked down.. and I had the wrong dog!
[ they both laugh hysterically ]
Guy: That’s why she wouldn’t say it!
Guy: Man! It’s so fun hanging out with you! You’re so cool.
Girl: Oh, thanks! So are you.
Bartender: Last call, everybody! Last call!
Girl: [ looks at watch ] Oh, my God, it’s almost four o’clock! I can’t believe we talked this much!
Guy: Let’s go somewhere else! Do you like pancakes?
Girl: I love pancakes!
Guy: Great. I know this place on 15th and 2nd, it’s a great diner.
Girl: Uh.. you know what kind of pancakes I love?
Bartender: Everybody out!! Here ocme the lights!! [ flips the lights on ]
[ with the lights on in full, Girl doesn’t look as attractive as she did in the semi-dark ]
Girl under light: Blueberry pancakes. But only when they use real blueberries, not like compost.
Guy: [ freaked out by the reality of thesituation ] Gahhhh!! Gahh!
Girl under light: Don’t you hate it when they turn on these lights? I mean, you feel like you’re put so together, and.. suddenly you’re not?
Guy: No, actually.. actually, you look great.. you look great.. [ turns to face the Bartender ] Davie? Can you turn the lights back down, just for a minute, please? Be a guy? Thanks!
Bartender: Fine! [ turns the lights down ]
Guy: Yeah, thanks.
[ with the lights down again, Girl returns to looking attractive ]
Girl: Can we walk it from here?
Guy: Uh.. yes! Real close, 15th at 2nd.
Girl: You know.. gosh.. I never say this, but.. [ sighs ] What if we just got the goodnight kiss over with now, so we can relax?
Guy: Like, in “Annie Hall”?
Girl: [ excited ] That’s my favorite movie!
Guy: Me, too!
Girl: No way!
Girl: [ a beat ] So, we’re agreed?
[ they lean in for a kiss ]
Bartender: Take it outside, people! [ flips the lights on again ]
[ once again, Girl doesn’t look as attractive with the lights up as she did in the semi-dark ]
Guy: [ opens his eyes from kiss, noticing the difference made by the lighting ] Gah gah goo! Gahhh!!! [ backs away quick ]
Girl under light: [ happy ] That was so nice.. your lips are so soft.
Guy: Yeah.. yeah.. yeah, I might be more drunk than I thought.. Maybe we should skip the pancakes, and go another time. What do you think?
Girl under light: You sure?
Guy: Yeah.. You-you know what? Hold on a minute.. [ picks up pool cue, and stretches it across the bar so he can flip the lights back off; Girl returns to a state of beauty in the darkened room ]
Girl: Isn’t that guy gonna get mad at you!
Guy: Uh, no.. I’m a regular! [ changes subject ] You’re very pretty.. right?
Girl: Thank you!
Guy: I mean.. I love your, I love your-your pretty face.. I want to hold on to your.. pretty face, until.. until the sun comes..
[ Bartender flips the lights back on, returning Girl to her less than attractive appearance ]
Guy: ..aaaggghhh!! Aaaggghhh, god-damn!
Girl under light: [ swooning ] That’s so romantic..
Girl under light: [ chipper ] Ready to go?
Guy: Just give me one second, okay? [ rushes to the bar, drinking all the leftover beer from the bottoms of various glasses and steins abandoned across the counter from patrons who’ve already gone home; under the guise of his beer goggles, Girl has returned to her normal, attractive self ]
Girl: [ laughing ] What are you doing!
Guy: [ coughing ] What did you say? [ squints his eyes at Girl, but the excessive lighting returns to the grim reality to his vision ]
Girl under light: I said, what are you doing?!
Guy: Uh.. just goofing around! Uh, you know what, let’s forget that pancakes.. uh.. I know a dark burrito place we can go to.
[ Ernie appears from a darkened corner of the bar, pushing a mop across the floor ]
Ernie: You two get home safe. Good night!
Girl under light: Thank you! Good night!
[ Girl and Guy exit the bar ]
Ernie: [ smiling ] Oh, you know, there ain’t nothin’ like two people in love, right?
Bartender: Yeah. So, uh.. you ready for a little after-hours party, Ernie?
[ Ernie, who has now wandered into a better-lit area of the bar with his mop, now has the appearance of an attractive woman ]
Ernie under light: I sure am.