When The Lights Come Up


02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

When The Lights Come Up

Guy…..Jimmy Fallon
Girl…..Jennifer Garner
Girl under light…..Fred Armisen
Bartender…..Seth Meyers
Ernie…..Tracy Morgan
Ernie under light…..Maya Rudolph

[ open on interior, ]

Guy: And then what happened?

Girl: And then.. I looked down.. and I had the wrong dog!

[ they both laugh hysterically ]

Guy: That’s why she wouldn’t say it!

Girl: Yeah!

Guy: Man! It’s so fun hanging out with you! You’re so cool.

Girl: Oh, thanks! So are you.

Bartender: Last call, everybody! Last call!

Girl: [ looks at watch ] Oh, my God, it’s almost four o’clock! I can’t believe we talked this much!

Guy: Let’s go somewhere else! Do you like pancakes?

Girl: I love pancakes!

Guy: Great. I know this place on 15th and 2nd, it’s a great diner.

Girl: Okay!

Guy: Yeah?

Girl: Uh.. you know what kind of pancakes I love?

Bartender: Everybody out!! Here ocme the lights!! [ flips the lights on ] [ with the lights on in full, Girl doesn’t look as attractive as she did in the semi-dark ]

Girl under light: Blueberry pancakes. But only when they use real blueberries, not like compost.

Guy: [ freaked out by the reality of thesituation ] Gahhhh!! Gahh!

Girl under light: Don’t you hate it when they turn on these lights? I mean, you feel like you’re put so together, and.. suddenly you’re not?

Guy: No, actually.. actually, you look great.. you look great.. [ turns to face the Bartender ] Davie? Can you turn the lights back down, just for a minute, please? Be a guy? Thanks!

Bartender: Fine! [ turns the lights down ]

Guy: Yeah, thanks.

[ with the lights down again, Girl returns to looking attractive ]

Girl: Can we walk it from here?

Guy: Uh.. yes! Real close, 15th at 2nd.

Girl: You know.. gosh.. I never say this, but.. [ sighs ] What if we just got the goodnight kiss over with now, so we can relax?

Guy: Like, in “Annie Hall”?

Girl: [ excited ] That’s my favorite movie!

Guy: Me, too!

Girl: No way!

Guy: Yeah!

Girl: [ a beat ] So, we’re agreed?

Guy: Yeah..

[ they lean in for a kiss ]

Bartender: Take it outside, people! [ flips the lights on again ] [ once again, Girl doesn’t look as attractive with the lights up as she did in the semi-dark ]

Guy: [ opens his eyes from kiss, noticing the difference made by the lighting ] Gah gah goo! Gahhh!!! [ backs away quick ]

Girl under light: [ happy ] That was so nice.. your lips are so soft.

Guy: Yeah.. yeah.. yeah, I might be more drunk than I thought.. Maybe we should skip the pancakes, and go another time. What do you think?

Girl under light: You sure?

Guy: Yeah.. You-you know what? Hold on a minute.. [ picks up pool cue, and stretches it across the bar so he can flip the lights back off; Girl returns to a state of beauty in the darkened room ]

Girl: Isn’t that guy gonna get mad at you!

Guy: Uh, no.. I’m a regular! [ changes subject ] You’re very pretty.. right?

Girl: Thank you!

Guy: I mean.. I love your, I love your-your pretty face.. I want to hold on to your.. pretty face, until.. until the sun comes..

[ Bartender flips the lights back on, returning Girl to her less than attractive appearance ]

Guy: ..aaaggghhh!! Aaaggghhh, god-damn!

Girl under light: [ swooning ] That’s so romantic..

Guy: Yeah..

Girl under light: [ chipper ] Ready to go?

Guy: Just give me one second, okay? [ rushes to the bar, drinking all the leftover beer from the bottoms of various glasses and steins abandoned across the counter from patrons who’ve already gone home; under the guise of his beer goggles, Girl has returned to her normal, attractive self ]

Girl: [ laughing ] What are you doing!

Guy: [ coughing ] What did you say? [ squints his eyes at Girl, but the excessive lighting returns to the grim reality to his vision ]

Girl under light: I said, what are you doing?!

Guy: Uh.. just goofing around! Uh, you know what, let’s forget that pancakes.. uh.. I know a dark burrito place we can go to.

[ Ernie appears from a darkened corner of the bar, pushing a mop across the floor ]

Ernie: You two get home safe. Good night!

Girl under light: Thank you! Good night!

[ Girl and Guy exit the bar ]

Ernie: [ smiling ] Oh, you know, there ain’t nothin’ like two people in love, right?

Bartender: Yeah. So, uh.. you ready for a little after-hours party, Ernie?

[ Ernie, who has now wandered into a better-lit area of the bar with his mop, now has the appearance of an attractive woman ]

Ernie under light: I sure am.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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