Jennifer Garner’s Monologue


02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

Jennifer Garner’s Monologue

…..Jennifer Garner
…..Chris Parnell
…..Chris Kattan
…..Seth Meyers
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Darrell Hammond
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Horatio Sanz

Jennifer Garner: Thank you! Thank you very much, thank you! It is great to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. It’s great to be here. This show is so much work! But it’s still less work than “Alias”. I mean, I’ve been on vacation this week! [ laughs ] I didn’t have to kick anyone in the groin the whole week. I mean, I did kick some people in the groin.. but not because I had to. [ Chris Parnell enters, holding a large heart-shaped bx of candy ] Hey, Chris!

Chris Parnell: Hey, Jennifer. Uh.. I just wanted to give this to you, to say, “Thanks for being such an awesome host!” You’re the coolest.

Jennifer Garner: Ohhhh, thank you, that is so sweet! [ takes the gift ] Why didn’t you give his to me yesterday, when it really was Valentine’s Day?

Chris Parnell: [ winks ] Because I wanted to do it on television!

Jennifer Garner: [ laughs ] [ Chris Kattan enters, carrying a bouquet of roses ]

Chris Kattan: Hey, Jennifer! Happy Valentine’s Day!

Jennifer Garner: Oh, my God! Chris! This is too much!

Chris Kattan: Well.. I have this thing where all the money I used to spend on cocaine, I spend on flowers..

Jennifer Garner: Oh.. well, okay, then..

[ Seth Meyers enters, carrying a tiny heart-shaped box of candy ]

Seth Meyers: Uh.. hey, Jennifer.

Jennifer Garner: Hi, Seth! What’d you bring me?

Seth Meyers: Uh.. [ looks at his tiny gift ] Nothing.. forget it.. Why do I bother?

Jennifer Garner: Come on.. you guys didn’t have to get me anything. I mean.. you know I’m married, right?

Jimmy Fallon: No, I don’t want to hear that! You’re my girlfriend!

Jennifer Garner: Aw, Jimmy.

Darrell Hammond: It’s just that.. it’s just that you’re our favorite host of all time, ever.

[ Tracy Morgan enters, dressed as Cupid ]

Tracy Morgan: I don’t dress up like Cupid for everybody, you know.

Jennifer Garner: [ laughs ] Well, I’ve had a great time working with all of you, too. And.. in fact.. I’ve really been thinking a lot about you guys this week, and.. well, there’s something that I’d like to say to you. But maybe I could say it better through a song. [ music pots up, as Jennifer breaks into song ]

“My fun-ny Valentines.
Sweet com-ic Valentines.
You make me smi-i-i-i-i-ile with my heart..”

[ to Chris Parnell, whose hand has slipped behind Garner’s lower quarters ] Get your hand off my butt, right now!

Chris Parnell: Sorry.. [ removes his hand ]

Jennifer Garner: [ rubs her hands on Will Forte’s face ]“Your looks.. are laugh-a-ble

Seriously, how did this guy get on TV?

[ Will Forte frowns; Garner moves on to Fred Armisen ]

“Yet your my fav’rite.. work of art.”

[ mashes her hands in Fred’s face ] A Picasso!

[ to Horatio Sanz ] “Is your figure.. less than Greek?”

Horatio Sanz: Oh, come on!

Jennifer Garner: [ to Chris Kattan ] “Is your mouth.. a little weak?”

Chris Kattan: [ confused ] What does that mean?

Jennifer Garner:
“When you o-pen it.. to speak?
Are you sma-a-a-rt?”

[ moves Kattan’s lips up and down ] No.. I’m.. not.. sma-a-a-a-a-artt!

[ to Jimmy Fallon ] “Don’t change your hair.. for me-e-e-e..”

On second thought, change it – it looks like you combed your hair with your foot!

[ rubs Tracy Morgan’s face ]“Not if you.. care for me-e-e-e.”
Stay, little Val-en-tine

Tracy Morgan: You make me feel like the Lion King!

Jennifer Garner:
“Each day is Val-en-ti-i-i-i-ine’s Da-a-a-a-a-ayyy!”

Thanks, guys! Thanks, Valentines! We’ve got a great show tonight, Beck is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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