SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Garner: 02/15/03: Saddam calls Osama


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 12

02l: Jennifer Garner /Beck

Saddam calls Osama

Saddam Hussein….Horatio Sanz
Osama Bin Laden….Jimmy Fallon
Terrorist….Fred Armisen

[Opens with a cave. Inside the cave a terrorist hands a mobile phone to Osama.]

Terrorist: For you, sir.

Osama bin Laden: Hello? Hello?

Girlie voice: Um, hello! Pizza delivery for Mr. Bin Laden!

Osama bin Laden: What?

Girlie voice: Uh, I have order for 100 pizzas!

Osama bin Laden: 100 pizzas?! I did not order 100—I will not pay for these pizzas!

Saddam Hussein: Ha ha ha! I’m kidding! It’s me Saddam!

Osama bin Laden: Holy crap! Do not do this to me, man!

Saddam Hussein: I had you going though!

Osama bin Laden: Saddam, what’s up? You calling just to bust my balls or what?

Saddam Hussein: Oh, man! No, no, no. That’s not why I’m calling. Listen, I got to say, man. Get off my jock, bro’! Oh, man! You got to lay off me! With the tapes and the speeches saying I’m an infidel, people should rise up against me? Come on, guy! That’s not cool!

Osama bin Laden: I knew this was coming.

Saddam Hussein: Oh, it is coming!

Osama bin Laden: [mocking] It is coming?

Saddam Hussein: Yeah, I mean, give me a break, bro’! I got these U.N. inspectors cramming up my style 24/7! I got George W. Bush so far up my ass I’m tasting brill cream, bro’! Hey, man, word to the wise, man. Don’t ever try to kill that guy’s dad. Boy, whooo….he takes it personal.

Osama bin Laden: Serious, serious…

Saddam Hussein: Yeah, listen Osama…

Osama bin Laden: Yeah, I will listen, it’s a phone. What? Do you want me to look?

Saddam Hussein: What are you talking about, man?

Osama bin Laden: Never mind. Its a joke.

Saddam Hussein: Take it down a notch. Last thing I need is one of my bros coming down on me. Come on, I know we’re not close but…jeez louise!

Osama bin Laden: Hey, Saddam! What’s this? [rubs his fingers together] Well, you really can’t see cause we’re on the phone but it’s…I’m rubbing my fingers together, its the world’s smallest violin.

Saddam Hussein: What?

Osama bin Laden: Its a joke.

Saddam Hussein: I don’t get it.

Osama bin Laden: The point is cut me some slack, jack! I’m giving speech trying to rally up the boys! I do what I have to do, man! You think I got it easy? I’ve been living in a friggin cave for 2 years! I got permanent cave ass over here!

Terrorist: Who is it?

Osama bin Laden: Its Saddam. He’s upset about the tape.

Terrorist: Awkward.

Osama bin Laden: Look Saddam, I didn’t say you were evil. I said you were the lesser of 2 evils. I still hate the United States.

Saddam Hussein: I still hate the United States too. I mean, that’s my point. I’m just saying, leave me out of the tapes, man! Jeez, you release more tapes than “Steely Dan”!

Osama bin Laden: Really? You gonna go with “Steely Dan” on that one?

Saddam Hussein: Yeah man…they put out a lot of records.

Osama bin Laden: I don’t get it. Why?

Saddam Hussein: What?

Osama bin Laden: Never mind. What do you want?

Saddam Hussein: I told you, man!

Osama bin Laden: What?!

Saddam Hussein: Listen—

Osama bin Laden: I will listen! It’s a phone! It’s a joke.

Saddam Hussein: Take it easy, ok? You used it twice now. I’m not saying that you need to come to dinner at my house. I mean, if you did, I’ll have you killed.

Osama bin Laden: Oh, no. Believe me. I’ll try to kill you, bro’!

Saddam Hussein: You would. I know. [hearty laugh]

Osama bin Laden: I love your laugh, Saddam.

Saddam Hussein: Thank you.

Osama bin Laden: Sounds like a cartoon character. Hey, Saddam look, I’ll be honest with you. The point is Bush is trying to link us in the press. Saying my people is in cahoots with your people. I mean, frankly is bad for my rep, you know. I’m not saying you’re old news but last time you did anything big I was wearing acid wash jeans and a members only jacket.

Saddam Hussein: Hey, trust me, man.

Osama bin Laden: What?

Saddam Hussein: It’s no picnic over here either. You think being linked to you in the papers is a good deal? No offense man, but you’re some kind of deep fried nutball. You scare me, man! And I’m Saddam Freaking Hussein!

Osama bin Laden: I’m sorry I screwed up your week, man. But how about we just agree that I’ll do my thing and you’ll do your thing.

Saddam Hussein: Sounds good. Ok. Hey, give me a call when you’re in town.

Osama bin Laden: I will not do that.

Saddam Hussein: I didn’t think you would. So long!

Osama bin Laden: Bye-bye, buddy!

Saddam Hussein: Bye![hangs up]

Terrorist: How did it go?

Osama bin Laden: Hey, how many albums did “Steely Dan” release?

Terrorist: Ok, you’re counting “Best of”?

Osama bin Laden: No.

Terrorist: 12. Why?

Osama bin Laden: Forget it.

[cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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