Michael Jackson In A Tree
Michael Jackson…..Amy Poehler
Liz Taylor…..Rachel Dratch
Lisa Marie Presley…..Jennifer Garner
Michael 7…..Dean Edwards
Announcer: And now, back to “Michael Jackson in a Tree.”
Michael Jackson: Oh, tree! Oh wonderful, funderful, special, secret tree! Why don’t people understand me? Everyone hates me! You’re my last friend, my best friend, my special tree! I love you, tree!
[Elizabeth Taylor climbs up into the tree.]
Liz Taylor: Michael! Michael! It’s me, Elizabeth Taylor!
Michael Jackson: Liz! Oh, Liz! Look, secret tree! It’s our very dear friend, Elizabeth Taylor!
Liz Taylor: Michael, I’m speaking to you as a friend! You have to get down from this tree!
Michael Jackson: But why? You need a date for the Oscars, Liz? Oh, tree! We’re going to the 75th annual Oscars! What a night that’ll be! Bodyguards, a hooded outfit, a new face! I can hardly wait! I’ll pick you up in a go-cart, Liz!
Liz Taylor: You’re not listening to me!
Michael Jackson: White diamonds!
Liz Taylor: Ha, ha, ha! Yes, Michael, white diamonds. Now pay attention, darling! People think you’re a weirdo!
Michael Jackson: I know why too, Liz! It’s because I like water balloons, isn’t it?
Liz Taylor: No, dear, it’s not that.
Michael Jackson: What?
Liz Taylor: I think it’s more the way you put masks on your kids.
Michael Jackson: What?
Liz Taylor: The way you let boys sleep in your bed!
Michael Jackson: What?
Liz Taylor: Calling a child “Blanket.”
Michael Jackson: What?
Liz Taylor: Paying millions of dollars for crap you can get for nothing at the Bombay Company!
Michael Jackson: You can?
Liz Taylor: Having mysterious babies!
Michael Jackson: No, please, please! Stop talking! Tree, tell her to stop talking! She doesn’t understand!
[Lisa Marie Presley climbs into the tree.]
Lisa Marie Presley: Michael! Michael!
Michael Jackson: Who is it?
Liz Taylor: What on earth?
Michael Jackson: Oh look, tree! It’s my wife, Lisa Marie! My wife! I married her!
Lisa Marie Presley: Michael.
Michael Jackson: Lizzy, do you remember when I kissed my wife?
Liz Taylor: Yes, dear.
Lisa Marie Presley: Michael, we’re not married anymore.
Michael Jackson: Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t live with ’em.
Lisa Marie Presley: Michael, I’m not like you. I’m a normal person.
Michael Jackson: I’m normal, too!
Liz Taylor: I’m not normal!
Lisa Marie Presley: I knew this was a bad idea! You freaks will never change! Here!
[Lisa hands them envelopes.]
Michael Jackson: What’s this?
Lisa Marie Presley: It’s a written invitation! I’m getting married to OJ Simpson! Liza’ll be there, Tawny Kitaen, and fifty Elvis impersonators! See ya!
Michael Jackson: Tawny Kitaen! I love her! Did you hear that, Liz? She thinks I’m a freak! Doesn’t anyone on this earth understand me? Everybody hates me, except the tree! I’m not some monster! Maybe I should just disappear!
Liz Taylor: Look, up there! A spaceship!
[We see a tiny little fake tree, with Liz and Michael dolls sitting on it. A spaceship lands next to it.]
Liz Taylor: Jackson! We’re being invaded by Jacksons!
Michael Jackson: Oh, I’m embarrassed! Me? No – ow, no!
[Three Jacksons walk out.]
Michael 7: Don’t cry, Michael. It’s me, Michael 7. We on Michael Analarius have been watching you and your Earth friends.
Michael Jackson: I don’t have any friends!
Michael 7: No, Michael, it’s not that they’re not your friends. It’s just they are not ready for you yet. They know not of love and compassion. All they know is hate and war. They only want to laugh at the weak, and they lack the courage to challenge those in power. Even now, in a world full of fear and the threat of war they would rather laugh at your beautiful face. Come, Michael. We shall leave these Earthlings until they are ready to grow up. Say good-bye.
Michael Jackson: You’re silly! Can I take Liz Taylor?
Michael 7: No, Liz has a planet of her own. Say good-bye Michael.
Michael Jackson: Good-bye tree! Bye Liz! [rubs her face]
Lizbeth Taylor: Ahh!
Michael Jackson: Bye Neverland! Bye moon! Bye snow cones! Bye babies! Bye grandma! Bye watch! Bye Quincy Jones! Bye Elephant Man!
Michael 7: Okay, Michael, we’re running out of time. We’ll say bye later.
Michael Jackson: BYE EARTH!
[the spaceship takes off]
Michael Jackson: Bye milk! Bye blender! Bye Captain Hornblower! Bye salt! Bye earth! Bye club!
Elizabeth Taylor: Bye Michael! Have fun in space!
Thanks to Leadcrow90 for this transcript!
