Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 12
[Opens with an living room apartment. Pizza and beer on the table. Two young guys, Joe and Frank, are very excited]
Frank: So, come one man! When are they getting here?!
Joe: Dude, they should be getting here any minute, man! I got the pizza, we got a cold case of Coors and any minute now we’re gonna meet some smoking-hot twins!
Joe and Frank: Twins!
Frank: Oh, man!
Joe: Yeah, man!
Frank: Dude, nothing gets me hotter than pizzas and a cold case of Coors and…twi-i-ins!
Joe and Frank:[singing] I like football on TV, shots of Gena Lee and twins![They high-five each other, doorbell rings]
Joe: Coming![opens the door] Come on in, ladies.
[Two conjoined twins are at the door. One of them is pretty, Mandy, she’s a doll and the other one is ugly as sin, Sandy. Sandy has a baby’s arm coming out of her head, big teeth, ugly close, uneven haircut.]
Mandy: Hi, I’m Mandy and this is my sister Sandy.
Joe: It is great to finally meet you guys.
Sandy: Hey, are guys ready to party?
Mandy: Yeah, right.
Joe: We sure are
[Frank is disturbed by the conjoined twins but Joe for some reason is all cool with it]
Joe: Ok, all right. Now let me get this straight. You’re Mandy and she’s Sandy. How am I gonna tell you guys apart? I mean, ok, Sandy on the right, Sandy on the right.
Sandy: There you go, there you go…
Mandy: Sandy, this is Joe the guy I was telling you about. And you must be Frank.
Frank:[disturbed] Yeah, yeah.
Sandy: Well, I’m ready for a beer. Right, guys?
Joe: Sure thing. Lets go to the couch, ladies.
[Frank sits at the end corner of the couch to avoid any contact with the ugly ass twin. Joe squeezes Frank out, the twins Mandy and Sandy sit and Frank is forced to sit next to the monstrous twin, Sandy.]
Frank: So—so, so….[over Sandy to beautiful Mandy] hey, Mandy, hey, what do you do?
Mandy: I’m in telemarketing.
Frank: Oh, yeah. I see. And uh, uh, so Sandy. [Can’t even look at her ugly face] What about you? What do you do uh—
Sandy: I’m in telemarketing too.
Frank: Oh, right. Yeah, of course, because you’d have to. Right?
Frank: Right, cause yes, obviously.
Joe: [still psyched] Dude, twins, dude!
Frank: Yeah. Can I talk to you for a second?
Joe: Yeah, one moment, ladies.[Gets up from the couch aside with Frank, the twins are alone in the couch]
Sandy: So, who’s with who here?
Mandy: I’m with Joe.
Sandy: No way! He’s a hottie. Come on, Mandy!
Mandy: Sandy, I’m the one who spent all that time on the Internet setting this whole thing up. I mean, if it were up to you we would just be at home shaving your leg.
Frank: Ok, what–what, what the hell are you thinking?!
Joe: What do you mean what I was thinking? I’ll tell you what I’m thinking. I’m thinking za’, Coors and twins![Tries to high-five but Frank is not having any of it]
Frank: Ok, no, no, no! Dude, how come, dude, how come you get the hot one?
Joe: What? Dude, they are twins. What are you talking about?
Frank: Well, it just kind of looks like one of them had a little more time to cook than the other one…[Joe shuts Frank up]
Joe: I’m telling you, the only reason I’m with Mandy is cause she’s the one I’ve been talking to on the Internet. We have a relationship, something you should try to look in to!
Frank: Ok, fine! Let me see that picture again! Give me. Let me see it.
[Joe gives Frank a photo]
Joe: Don’t rip it.
Frank: That’s all right. Ok, what did you think that was?[points at photo]
Joe: I thought she was sitting near the back of a dog. Look, just try this for me, all right?!
[Seductive “hellos” to the guys from beautiful Mandy and from ugly mutant Sandy]
Frank: How much beer do we have?
Joe: Icy cold case of Coors, dude.
Frank: All right, ok.
[Joe sits next to beautiful Mandy, Frank next to monstrous Sandy]
Mandy: I’m so glad I’m finally meeting you in the flesh, Joe.
Joe: Me too.
Mandy: I hope is ok I brought my sister along.
Joe: That’s totally cool. Oh, my God. You have beautiful eyes.
Mandy: Oh, My God…
[Joe and Mandy passionately kiss]
Frank: So uh,[its difficult to look at her ugly ass face] so, wow. [mumbles] Have you seen any good movies? Have you seen any good movies, lately?
Sandy: You want to get this thing going or what?
Frank: I just….I usually like, you know, have a conversation…
Sandy: There you go. Telling a lady what she thinks she wants to hear. Cut the small talk, cowboy!
Sandy: Look, they’re off and running. Believe me, we better keep up a pace with them. You do not want to be starting when they’re finishing, believe me.[Joe while still kissing Mandy, he grabs Sandy’s boob] Oh, that one’s mine, pally.
Frank: Ok, hold up! Stop it, stop that, stop it, ok. [Joe stops kissing Mandy] Why is it we like twins? Why do we like twins?
Joe: Because there’s two of them, man!
Frank: Ok, you know what? I do not like twins! I do not like football on tv! And I’m not even sure who Gena Lee is! And beer?! I prefer a nice Merlot! Ok?! That’s right! And I think I just—I just grown up here now! Ok! I AM OUTTA HERE![leaves, door slams]
Joe: Suit yourself, dude. Your loss![Goes back to kissing Mandy, Sandy picks up a slice of pizza and eats]
Sandy: I got news for you—you can make out with her 6 ways to Sunday but I’m the one with the vagina.
[Joe gives the ok sign, keeps making out]
[cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel