Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 12
Siamese Twins
Joe….Jimmy Fallon
Frank….Chris Kattan
Mandy….Jennifer Garner
Sandy….Rachel Dratch
Frank: So, come one man! When are they getting here?!
Joe: Dude, they should be getting here any minute, man! I got the pizza, we got a cold case of Coors and any minute now we’re gonna meet some smoking-hot twins!
Frank: Sweet!
Joe and Frank: Twins!
Frank: Oh, man!
Joe: Yeah, man!
Frank: Dude, nothing gets me hotter than pizzas and a cold case of Coors and…twi-i-ins!
Joe and Frank:[singing] I like football on TV, shots of Gena Lee and twins![They high-five each other, doorbell rings]
Frank: Twins!
Joe: Coming![opens the door] Come on in, ladies.
Mandy: Hi, I’m Mandy and this is my sister Sandy.
Joe: It is great to finally meet you guys.
Sandy: Hey, are guys ready to party?
Mandy: Yeah, right.
Joe: We sure are
[Frank is disturbed by the conjoined twins but Joe for some reason is all cool with it]Joe: Ok, all right. Now let me get this straight. You’re Mandy and she’s Sandy. How am I gonna tell you guys apart? I mean, ok, Sandy on the right, Sandy on the right.
Sandy: There you go, there you go…
Mandy: Sandy, this is Joe the guy I was telling you about. And you must be Frank.
Frank:[disturbed] Yeah, yeah.
Sandy: Well, I’m ready for a beer. Right, guys?
Joe: Sure thing. Lets go to the couch, ladies.
Frank: So—so, so….[over Sandy to beautiful Mandy] hey, Mandy, hey, what do you do?
Mandy: I’m in telemarketing.
Frank: Oh, yeah. I see. And uh, uh, so Sandy. [Can’t even look at her ugly face] What about you? What do you do uh—
Sandy: I’m in telemarketing too.
Frank: Oh, right. Yeah, of course, because you’d have to. Right?
Sandy: Yeah.
Frank: Right, cause yes, obviously.
Joe: [still psyched] Dude, twins, dude!
Frank: Yeah. Can I talk to you for a second?
Joe: Yeah, one moment, ladies.[Gets up from the couch aside with Frank, the twins are alone in the couch]
Sandy: So, who’s with who here?
Mandy: I’m with Joe.
Sandy: No way! He’s a hottie. Come on, Mandy!
Mandy: Sandy, I’m the one who spent all that time on the Internet setting this whole thing up. I mean, if it were up to you we would just be at home shaving your leg.
Frank: Ok, what–what, what the hell are you thinking?!
Joe: What do you mean what I was thinking? I’ll tell you what I’m thinking. I’m thinking za’, Coors and twins![Tries to high-five but Frank is not having any of it]
Frank: Ok, no, no, no! Dude, how come, dude, how come you get the hot one?
Joe: What? Dude, they are twins. What are you talking about?
Frank: Well, it just kind of looks like one of them had a little more time to cook than the other one…[Joe shuts Frank up]
Joe: I’m telling you, the only reason I’m with Mandy is cause she’s the one I’ve been talking to on the Internet. We have a relationship, something you should try to look in to!
Frank: Ok, fine! Let me see that picture again! Give me. Let me see it.
[Joe gives Frank a photo]Joe: Don’t rip it.
Frank: That’s all right. Ok, what did you think that was?[points at photo]
Joe: I thought she was sitting near the back of a dog. Look, just try this for me, all right?!
[Seductive “hellos” to the guys from beautiful Mandy and from ugly mutant Sandy]Frank: How much beer do we have?
Joe: Icy cold case of Coors, dude.
Frank: All right, ok.
Joe: Yeah.
[Joe sits next to beautiful Mandy, Frank next to monstrous Sandy]Mandy: I’m so glad I’m finally meeting you in the flesh, Joe.
Joe: Me too.
Mandy: I hope is ok I brought my sister along.
Joe: That’s totally cool. Oh, my God. You have beautiful eyes.
Mandy: Oh, My God…
[Joe and Mandy passionately kiss]Frank: So uh,[its difficult to look at her ugly ass face] so, wow. [mumbles] Have you seen any good movies? Have you seen any good movies, lately?
Sandy: You want to get this thing going or what?
Frank: I just….I usually like, you know, have a conversation…
Sandy: There you go. Telling a lady what she thinks she wants to hear. Cut the small talk, cowboy!
Frank: Cowboy?
Sandy: Look, they’re off and running. Believe me, we better keep up a pace with them. You do not want to be starting when they’re finishing, believe me.[Joe while still kissing Mandy, he grabs Sandy’s boob] Oh, that one’s mine, pally.
Frank: Ok, hold up! Stop it, stop that, stop it, ok. [Joe stops kissing Mandy] Why is it we like twins? Why do we like twins?
Joe: Because there’s two of them, man!
Frank: Ok, you know what? I do not like twins! I do not like football on tv! And I’m not even sure who Gena Lee is! And beer?! I prefer a nice Merlot! Ok?! That’s right! And I think I just—I just grown up here now! Ok! I AM OUTTA HERE![leaves, door slams]
Joe: Suit yourself, dude. Your loss![Goes back to kissing Mandy, Sandy picks up a slice of pizza and eats]
Sandy: I got news for you—you can make out with her 6 ways to Sunday but I’m the one with the vagina.
[Joe gives the ok sign, keeps making out] [cheers and applause] [fade]Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
