Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey


02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Tina Fey
…..Jimmy Fallon
Burt Bacharach…..Jeff Richards
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Chris Parnell
…..Jennifer Garner

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey.

Tina Fey: Hi, I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon. Here are tonight’s top stories.

A government official admitted Friday that the al-Qaida terror suspect whose information led to the current Orange Alert failed a lie-detector test. Also, in a shocking turn of events, it was realized that he is not a millionaire.

This week, France and Germany once again joined together and called for additional UN weapons inspections. France and Germany also called all of their friends to tell them that they’re gay and in love.

The Navy has begun using trained sea lions to help protect ships in the Persian Gulf from enemy divers. So our ships will be completely safe unless al-Qaida can somehow get their hands on a bucket of fish.

Rapper Fifty Cents’ debut album, “Get Rich or Die Trying,” sold almost 900,000 copies in four days, making it the highest selling first album ever. The lowest selling first album remains “Screech Gotsta Git Fonky”. [Both Jimmy and Tina laugh at the word “Fonky”]

Scientists have invented a new “smart bra” which tightens its own straps when the wearer needs more support. Even more impressive: it beat Anna Nicole Smith at Scrabble.

Tina Fey: As today’s peace marches demonstrate, not everyone in America agrees we should be going to war. Already, we have seen many in the movie industry come out against the war, and here with us tonight, a giant in the music industry will share his views. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Burt Bacharach.

Burt Bacharach: [suave] Thank you. Thank you, Tina. I think it’s safe to say that many of us in the music biz, or any biz for that matter, find this guy Saddam a pretty rough customer.

I supported action the first time in Iraq, but this time, if we go back to smack Iraq, you can count ‘ol Bacharach out of that attack! Back in Iraq? Not Bacharach!

Tina, I think we lack the facts to attack Iraq. Those quacks can stack facts up and down the track, but don’t expect Bacharach to back the war on Iraq!

And hey, ‘ol Bacharach may take some flack for his tack, but I’d rather take syrup of ipecac than pack some kid from Hackensack in a flat jacket just so he’d get shot in the crack! That’s the Kodak ‘ol Bacharach wouldn’t want in the almanac! Some sad sack shot full of holes from an AK-AK, hangin’ out on a tarmac in a body sack? Snack on that, Jack!

Tina Fey: Well, thanks for the feedback, Burt Bacharach!

Burt Backarach: All right!

Tina Fey: Burt Bacharach, everybody!

Well, after a heartbreaking loss last year, Mick, a blue terrier, won Best in Show this week at the Westminster Dog Show. The only way this year’s contest could have gone any better for Mick, would be if he had any idea of what the hell was going on.

Actor Colin Ferrell this week brought his mother to the premiere of his new movie, “Daredevil,” sparking rumors that they are dating.

Friends of “Mini-Me” actor Verne Troyer are concerned for his health, saying that he has started drinking again. Apparently, things have gotten so bad that Troyer is up to four thimbles of scotch a day. And that’s on a weeknight! Verne’s friends are desperately trying to get him to go to a lowercase “a.a.” meeting.

It was announced this week that video game company Atari is going out of business. When asked to comment, the company said, “[sound of Pac Man dying]”.

Sean Penn is claiming that he lost out on a promised role in a movie because to his trip to Iraq and his opposition to the US-led war, thus depriving the world of “I Am Sam 2: Still ‘Tarded!”

Jimmy Fallon: February is known the world over as Black History Month, and here to comment on it is our own Tracy Morgan, everybody!

Tracy Morgan: Thanks, Jim! Well, Black History Month is half over, and what have we done to celebrate it? The answer: not much. Schools take a few minutes to talk about Martin Luther King, Denzel gets an extra movie on HBO, and that same ‘ol Harriet Tubman book goes back in the window at Barnes & Noble. That’s about it. Speaking as a proud African American, I think it’s time we made Black History Month count for something! It’s time we made it relevant! Important experience! Especially for the young people! My suggestion? Four simple words: all out race war! Y’see, an all out race war would make the man…

[Tracy is cut short by a “Technical Difficulties – Please Stand By” graphic]

Voiceover: We’re experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by.

Uh, the views expressed by Tracy Morgan do not reflect those of NBC, General Electric, or any of its affiliates.

Now, back to the show!

[cut back to Tracy at the Update desk]

Tracy Morgan: [finishing his rant] …WHITE PEOPLE’S HEADS ON SPIKES! Back to you, Jim.

Jimmy Fallon: [disturbed] Tracy Morgan, everyone.

Tina Fey: Homeland defense officials are suggesting that people use duct tape to seal their doors and windows in case of a biological attack. This won’t replace MY favorite use for duct tape: silencing a hitchhiker. [Tina looks at camera with a crazy look in her eye]

New Scientist Magazine reports this week that all lions like to eat humans, while the cover story of Lion Magazine this week is “Who Told?!”

As part of a mass wedding ceremony in Thailand, “Guy,” a chicken, married “Guk,” a rooster. And, for the record, on their wedding night, the chicken came first.

Jimmy Fallon: Here now with a breaking story is our own Chris Parnell!

Chris Parnell: Hey! Thank you! Thanks, Jimmy! Well, as most as many of our viewers know, Jennifer Garner, our amazingly lovely and talented host this evening, is the star of “Alias,” on which she plays a globehopping CIA secret agent. Now, if you’ve ever wondered why she’s so darn believable on the show, well, it’s because she actually does work for the CIA. And, as a matter of fact, so do I!

Jimmy Fallon: Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on. Are you saying that you and Jennifer are secret agents?

Chris Parnell: That’s right. Also, she’s my lover. And I want Jennifer and the world to know that the love and adventure we share as we travel the world together on secret missions…well, it means everything to me. So Jen, this is my Valentine’s gift to you.

[rapping] Yo, check it out!
This is the untold story of our secret lives! How it all began!
In Cairo, ancient city, that’s where we met.
When I parachuted in, from my private jet,
She was chillin’ by some ruins, like Cleopatra soaked in sweat,
She said the code words: “I want you.” I just said, “I’ll bet.”
Ha! I’ll bet you do, bi-otch! Huh!
A major MCP, it must be Jennifer G,
“Oui oui,” said she, “And damn! I like what I see!
“Lemme take you for a ride by the Nile in my Humvee!”
Oh, ho ho, you can take me for a ride, girl!
So we cruised to the pyramid, in Khufu,
She stopped the jeep, removed her robe and said, “C’mere Boo!”
I wasn’t one to argue, got up on her like kudzu!
I glanced into the rearview,
Said, “Baby, we got some company, It’s time to do some Kung Fu!”
And if you ain’t never seen this girl do Kung Fu, then you ain’t never seen it done right!

[singing] In Cairo, Istanbul, and Tokyo,
She’s my ho,
I’m her beau,
Don’t you know,
We got flow!
And when we’re not workin’, we jump onto my yacht and go!
Drink bordeau,
Eat escargot,
Just take it sloooooow…

[rapping] Now back to the pyramid at Khufu, where the mercenaries are about to attack!
So wearin’ only a smile, she steps into the sun,
And distracted the fools while I retrieved my gun.
And sent a firestorm of bullets into eva-ree-one,
‘Til every merc was dead, cause they disrupted our fun.
Back in the Hummer, we got a little hardcore,
Then had to go and explore,
Quickly found the hidden artifact that we were there for.
Delivered the package in Alexandria that night,
Slept on my yacht, set sail first light!
She says, “Boo! Where should we go?”
Shorty, I don’t know!
But as long as you with me, baby, I’m all right.
Jennifer G, as long as you with me, MCP, everything is gonna be all right.

[singing] In Cairo, Istanbul, and Tokyo,
She’s my ho,
I’m her beau,
Don’t you know,
We got flow!
And when we’re not workin’, we jump onto my yacht and go!
Drink bordeau,
Eat escargot,
Just take it sloooooow…
That’s how we do it.
We take it slooooow…
You know you always be my bitch, girl! Yeah!

Jennifer Garner: [flustered] Chris, have you lost your mind?

Tina Fey: Jennifer, I’m really sorry about all this. Chris has a very active and creepy imagination.

Jennifer Garner: Look, for the record, I met Chris Parnell five days ago. We are not lovers, we do not work for the CIA, and we certainly don’t travel the world in his yacht.

Chris Parnell: [apologetically] Of course we don’t. It was just a joke. Sorry everyone.

[Chris and Jennifer step out to leave]

Jennifer Garner: [whispering] You’re gonna completely blow our cover!

Chris Parnell: [also whispering] I said I was sorry!

Tina Fey: Chris Parnell and Jennifer Garner, everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey! Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[Jimmy is about to throw his pencil, but places it in a blind man’s tin cup at the last second]

Thanks to Bryce Parsons for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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