Wake Up Wakefield


02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

Wake Up Wakefield

Megan…..Maya Rudolph
Sheldon…..Rachel Dratch
Tara Greenly…..Jennifer Garner
Mr. Banglion…..Horatio Sanz
Female Student…..Amy Poehler

[ open on “Wake up Wakefield” title card ]

Megan V/O: From Wakefield Middle School, it’s a special afterschool broadcast of “Wake Up Wakefield”, coming to you live from the Valentine’s Day Dance.

[ dissolve to Megan and Sheldon standing in the cafeteria amid party decorations and other students having a fun time; “Sk8r Boi” can be heard playing in the background ]

Megan: It’s 3:15 PM, and look at all the beautiful people arriving here in the cafeteria, where the Valentine’s Dance is just getting under way. I’m your host, Megan, and this is my best friend and co-host, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Hey.

Megan: Wow, the cafeteria looks so glamorous, like a Mariah Carey video, doesn’t it, Sheldon?

Sheldon: Yes. The air is rich with excitement, and the smell of Chicken a la King. It’s great fun, even though some people can only stay for forty minutes, because they have a cello lesson at four, and.. you know, those lessons are pre-paid, and, if you miss it, you-you lose that money.

Megan: Yeah, Sheldon’s already saved me a dollar this week. Individual tickets to the dance are four dollars, but only seven dollars per couple. And he suggested we purchase the tickets at the couples’ rate and save a dollar, even though we are not an actual couple. I repeat: we are.. not.. an actual couple.

Sheldon: Yeah, I-I-I was just crunching some numbers.

Megan: [ looks to her right ] Oh, hey! Here comes the student organizer of the Valentine’s Dance, my friend from gymnastics since we were five – Tara Greenly. [ Tara enters frame ] Tara! Tara! Do you have time to talk to “Wake Up Wakefield”?

Tara: Sure, Megan, no problem!

Megan: First off, who are you wearing?

Tara: Well.. I am wearing Old Navy.. and Nike. And I don’t know where these tights come from, I think they were my sister’s.

Sheldon: So, Tara.. what goes into organizing an event of this magnitude?

Tara: [ excited to see Sheldon, and excessively giddy otherwise ] Hi, Sheldon! Um, yes! I am in charge of refreshments, and the decorations! And I just need to make one announcement! Okay! Everyone keeps asking me, “What’s in the punch!” And I guess I can tell you! It’s ginger ale! Cranberry sherbet, and raaaaaaspberry JUICE!! A lot of people say “sher-bert“, which is actually wrong! Anyway, it’s kind of an adult thing! Sheldon.. I like your tie.

Sheldon: [ humbled ] Th-thanks. It’s from the Men’s Wearhouse.

Tara: Also, I came up with the Rose-a-Gram idea! How it works is, you pay a dollar to send a rose to whoever you have a secret crush on! Yellow means Friends, Pink means I Like You, and Red means True Love FOREVER!! Why, Megan – you can send one to Randy Goldman!

Megan: [ flustered ] Oh, wow.. this is awkward.. I promised I wouldn’t talk about this on the air, but here goes.. See, I am happy to announce here on the show, that I am no longer in love with one Randall James Goldman. I told him, “It’s over between us, babe,” and he said, “Moooove, Mandy, you’re blocking my locker.” and I said, “Hey, let’s end this game while it’s sweet, and my name is Megan.”

Sheldon: That guy is no good for you..

Megan: Yeahhhhh.. I realized I had to set more realistic romantic goals for myself. So, please say Hello to the new love of my life.. [ pulls out button from underneath shirt ] ..Justin Timberlake! [ singing ] “Megan, I love you! You’re my girlfriend!” I love you, too, J.T.! [ licks the button passionately ] He’s awesome!

Tara: Hey! did you guys know that Justin Timberlake used to be in a band called N*Sync! If Justin Timberlake went to Wakefield, you could send him a Rose-a-Gram! You see, Valentine’s Day is about telling your loved ones how much you care!

Sheldon: [ shyly ] A-actually.. the true story of Valentine’s Day starts in Ancient Rome. St. Valentine continued to perform marriages for Christian martyrs, even though it was forbidden by Claudius II. And on February 14th, 270 A.D., St. Valentine was dragged before the Prefect of Rome, and beaten to death with clubs and had his head cut off.

[ Megan and Tara are left in a stunned silence ]

Megan: Okay. Well, it’s almost time for the dance contest..

Tara: Oh! I’ve gotta get the prizes together! First Place gets a $10 gift certificate to Greenly Dry Cleaning, compliments of my dad, Henry Greenly!

Sheldon: Geez.. I-I’d love to win that, I’d love that..

Megan: Great. But, first, let’s meet our chaperone for the afternoon, Mr. Banglion.

[ Mr. Banglion bounces into the scene, quoting from Missy Elliot’s “Work It” ]

Mr. Banghlion: Hey, hey! “Was it worth it? Let me search it! And find out how hard I want to work it!” Hey there! Happy Velentine’s! Hey, I want y’all to have a good time, but I’m here to remind you: Keep it clean, jellybeans! Alright. Now, you can get your groove on.. but you can’t get your.. [ mimics the grooves from the Missy Elliot collection ] ..your freak on! Yeah! That’s right!

Megan: We.. we know that, Mr. B…

Tara: [ looks off-screen to her left ] Eugh!! Hillary Ewing and Jeffrey Graf are totally making out under the nutritional poster!

Mr. Banghlion: Oh, boy.. I gotta go. Hey, remember, kids: Let’s keep it PG in the two-double-oh-three, okay, gang? “Is it worth it? Let me work it!” [ makes Missy Elliot noises as he moonwalks out ]

Female Student: [ enters carrying Rose-a-Gram ] Hey. Rose-a-Gram.

Megan: [ flustered ] Hey, a red rose, what’s this, I mean I wasn’t expecting anything this year, I mean Randy Goldman’s in Michigan, Justin is on tour in Ja-pan.. I suppose he could phone it in.

Female Student: Actually, the rose is for Sheldon?

Sheldon: [ confused ] For me?

Female Student: Yeah.

Megan: For Sheldon? No way! Who’s it from?

Sheldon: Uh.. [ reads the card ] “To Sheldon. Love, your not-do-secret admirer, Tara.”

Megan: Um.. I don’t know how to feel about this.. awesome?

Tara: [ ecstatic, to Sheldon ] I have had a crush on you ever since you became President of Math League!

[ slow song begins to play in the background ]

Sheldon: [ nervous ] Th-that’s cool..

Megan: No way!

Tara: Do you want to dance?

Sheldon: Okay..

[ Sheldon begins to awkwardly dance with Tara ]

Megan: No way! Well, this is live TV, folks, you never know what’s gonna happen! Well, this concludes today’s broadcast.. I feel pretty good about this show, and.. although I may not have a Valentine to dance with, do not pity me.. for I am focusing my energy on a bradcasting career.

[ a beep comes from Sheldon’s pants ]

Sheldon: Oh! I gotta go.. my cello lesson!

Tara: [ dismayed ] But.. Sheldon!

Sheldon: [ nervous ] I gotta go!

[ Sheldon and Tara share an awkward yet passionate kiss ]

Megan: Whoa!

Sheldon: Signing off, I am Sheldon! [ runs off ]

Tara: Come back!

Megan: And I am the future celebrity wife of Mr. Justin Timberlake!

[ Megan and Tara go into hysterics reminiscing about Tara’s kiss with Sheldon ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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