Walmart Greeters
Greeter #1…..Jennifer Garner
Greeter #2…..Amy Poehler
Female Customer #1…..Rachel Dratch
Female Customer #2…..Maya Rudolph
Store Manager…..Seth Meyers
[ open on exterior shot, Super Wal-Mart ]
[ dissolve to interior, where two female door greeters stand and marvel at the massive space surounding them ]
Greeter #1: Hi! Welcome to Wal-Mart!
Greeter #2: I know I say this to you every day.. but I still can’t get over how big this Wal-Mart is!
Greeter #1: I knowwwww! It’s too big!
Greeter #2: I knowww!
Greeter #1: I knowww!
Greeter #2: I knowww! The whole town is this Wal-Mart!
Greeter #1: I knowww! It has too many things!
Greeter #2: I knowww!
Greeter #1: This store has to be at least eight city blocks! I mean, that is about 500 miles of store!
Greeter #2: I know! This Wal-Mart is as big as 250 Rite-Aids!
Greeter #1: I knowww! Thank God we work near the door! Otherwise, we’d never be able to get out!
Greeter #2: I knowww!
Greeter #1: You know it’s too big when you can park inside the store!
Greeter #2: I know! You know a store is too big when, under the same roof, you can buy a pack of gum and a speedboat!
Greeter #1: I knowww!
[ Female Customer saunters forward ]
Female Customer #1: Uh.. excuse me..
Greeter #2: Oh, hello! Welcome to Wal-Mart!
Greeter #1: Hi! You are now officially in Wal-Mart!
Female Customer #1: Uh.. can you point me to Sporting Goods?
Greeter #2: I can point you t’wards it.. but, I gotta be honest with you.. I never even seen Sporting Goods, I only heard about it.
Greeter #1: [ hands customer a bottle of water ] Here. Take some water with you, you’re gonna need it for the journey.
Female Customer #1: Oh.. thank you.. [ exits ]
Greeter #2: She’s never gonna make it, she’s too old!
Greeter #1: I knowww! People come in this Wal-Mart, and they never leave!
Greeter #2: I knowww! I heard that Kathy Peacock died in this Wal-Mart. And they didn’t find her body for weeks.
Greeter #1: I heard that Kathy Peacock was born in this Wal-Mart!
Greeter #2: I know! Two babies a day are born in this Wal-Mart!
Greeter #1: This Wal-Mart’s gonna have to elect its own President!
Greeter #2: This Wal-Mart has it’s own capitol!
Greeter #1: There’s a globe in School Supplies of just this Wal-Mart! That’s how big this Wal-Mart is!
Greeter #1: I knowww!
Greeter #2: I knowww!
[ another Female Customer steps forward trepiditiously ]
Female Customer #2: Excuse me..?
Greeter #2: Hi, welcome to Wal-Mart!
Greeter #1: Hi! You are now officially in Wal-Mart!
Female Customer #2: Thank you.. Um.. can you tell me where I would be able to find bath rugs, with patriotic baby ducks on them?
Greeter #2: Uh.. bath rugs with patriotic baby ducks is in.. Aisle 6,000! And, here.. [ grabs poncho ] ..you’re gonna need this poncho! ‘ Cause I think it’s rainy season in that part of Wal-Mart!
Greeter #1: And they might not speak English over there, because there are three indiginous languages to this Wal-Mart!
Female Customer #2: Oh.. uh.. thank you..? [ exits ]
Greeter #2: Bloo-bloo-bloop?
Greeter #1: What does that mean?
Greeter #2: It means “You’re welcome!” in Wal-Mart.
Greeter #1: Boy, is she in for it.
Greeter #2: I knowww! The competing weather systems in this Wal-Mart could cause a tornado to happen!
Greeter #1: I knowww! And that active volcano by Electronics is about to blow!
Greeter #2: I knowww!
Greeter #1: I knowww!
[ Lost Male Customer ambles forward, petrified ]
Male Customer: Hey, uh.. I’m looking for Leisure Wear..
Greeter #1: Uh.. hoo!
Greeter #2: Okay, we got an idea..
Greeter #1: Okay.
Greeter #2: Alright..
[ they unfold a large, bulky map together ]
Greeter #1: Here’s a map of Northern Wal-Mart. What you’re gonna do is go to hte end of this map, which is about 4,000 miles, and then you’re gonna come down here..
Greeter #2: Right.. Oh! Oh! Burt Reynolds lives here!
Greeter #1: I know! I heard that! And when you get to the end here, there’s gonna be a guide to give you more maps. Hey, listen up.. if you make it to Leisure Wear, tell them we wanna learn more about their people.
Greeter #2: Yeah! Tell them we mean them no harm!
Greeter #1: Yeah, we don’t!
Greeter #2: We don’t!
Greeter #1: No!!!
[ Store Manager breaks into the scene, as Male Customer shirks away in fear ]
Store Manager: Please! Please! Ladies! I have asked you repeatedly, to quit making remarks to the customers about how big this Wal-Mart is! It scares them! Yes, this is a big store, but we are proud of its size! And my name is Mr. Sparkson!
Greeter #2: Well, everyone calls you “Sparky”!
Store Manager: I understand that! Your job is just to greet people!
Greeter #1: Sparky!!
Greeter #2: Sparky!! Look! If I could wrap my mind around this Wal-Mart, I’d stop talking about it!
Greeter #1: I mean, this Wal-Mart is just so big, if we don’t talk about it, our heads are gonna pop out!
Greeter #2: Yeah! And then they’d just sell our heads in the Human Body Parts aisle of this Wal-Mart!
Store Manager: [ angered and greatly annoyed ] You know what?!! Your shofts are almost over, why don’t you.. just.. call it.. a day!!!
Greeter #1: Alright! We’re just gonna wave to you as you disappear into the horizon of this Wal-Mart!
Greeter #2: Yeah! We just gonna watch you walk into the sunset of this Wal-Mart, Sparky!
Greeter #1: We better get going, it’s getting dark over there in Automotives!
Greeter #2: Yeah, you’re right.. and, at night, its gets cold in here like a desert.
Greeter #1: I knowww!
Greeter #2: So.. what do you wanna do tonight?
Greeter #1: I heard there was a new Mexican restaurant with dollar Margaritas.
Greeter #2: [ excited ] That sounds great! Where is it?
Greeter #1: In this Wal-Mart!
Greeter #2: Great!
Greeter #1: Great! Right? Hey! I heard they have the Superbowl in this Wal-Mart!
Greeter #2: I heard they sell Superbowls in this Wal-Mart!
Greeter #1: I knowww! That’s how big it is!
Greeter #2: I knowww!
Together: I knowww!
[ fade ]
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