Wal-Mart Greeters


02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

Walmart Greeters

Greeter #1…..Jennifer Garner
Greeter #2…..Amy Poehler
Female Customer #1…..Rachel Dratch
Female Customer #2…..Maya Rudolph
Store Manager…..Seth Meyers

[ open on exterior shot, Super Wal-Mart ] [ dissolve to interior, where two female door greeters stand and marvel at the massive space surounding them ]

Greeter #1: Hi! Welcome to Wal-Mart!

Greeter #2: I know I say this to you every day.. but I still can’t get over how big this Wal-Mart is!

Greeter #1: I knowwwww! It’s too big!

Greeter #2: I knowww!

Greeter #1: I knowww!

Greeter #2: I knowww! The whole town is this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #1: I knowww! It has too many things!

Greeter #2: I knowww!

Greeter #1: This store has to be at least eight city blocks! I mean, that is about 500 miles of store!

Greeter #2: I know! This Wal-Mart is as big as 250 Rite-Aids!

Greeter #1: I knowww! Thank God we work near the door! Otherwise, we’d never be able to get out!

Greeter #2: I knowww!

Greeter #1: You know it’s too big when you can park inside the store!

Greeter #2: I know! You know a store is too big when, under the same roof, you can buy a pack of gum and a speedboat!

Greeter #1: I knowww!

[ Female Customer saunters forward ]

Female Customer #1: Uh.. excuse me..

Greeter #2: Oh, hello! Welcome to Wal-Mart!

Greeter #1: Hi! You are now officially in Wal-Mart!

Female Customer #1: Uh.. can you point me to Sporting Goods?

Greeter #2: I can point you t’wards it.. but, I gotta be honest with you.. I never even seen Sporting Goods, I only heard about it.

Greeter #1: [ hands customer a bottle of water ] Here. Take some water with you, you’re gonna need it for the journey.

Female Customer #1: Oh.. thank you.. [ exits ]

Greeter #2: She’s never gonna make it, she’s too old!

Greeter #1: I knowww! People come in this Wal-Mart, and they never leave!

Greeter #2: I knowww! I heard that Kathy Peacock died in this Wal-Mart. And they didn’t find her body for weeks.

Greeter #1: I heard that Kathy Peacock was born in this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #2: I know! Two babies a day are born in this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #1: This Wal-Mart’s gonna have to elect its own President!

Greeter #2: This Wal-Mart has it’s own capitol!

Greeter #1: There’s a globe in School Supplies of just this Wal-Mart! That’s how big this Wal-Mart is!

Greeter #1: I knowww!

Greeter #2: I knowww!

[ another Female Customer steps forward trepiditiously ]

Female Customer #2: Excuse me..?

Greeter #2: Hi, welcome to Wal-Mart!

Greeter #1: Hi! You are now officially in Wal-Mart!

Female Customer #2: Thank you.. Um.. can you tell me where I would be able to find bath rugs, with patriotic baby ducks on them?

Greeter #2: Uh.. bath rugs with patriotic baby ducks is in.. Aisle 6,000! And, here.. [ grabs poncho ] ..you’re gonna need this poncho! ‘ Cause I think it’s rainy season in that part of Wal-Mart!

Greeter #1: And they might not speak English over there, because there are three indiginous languages to this Wal-Mart!

Female Customer #2: Oh.. uh.. thank you..? [ exits ]

Greeter #2: Bloo-bloo-bloop?

Greeter #1: What does that mean?

Greeter #2: It means “You’re welcome!” in Wal-Mart.

Greeter #1: Boy, is she in for it.

Greeter #2: I knowww! The competing weather systems in this Wal-Mart could cause a tornado to happen!

Greeter #1: I knowww! And that active volcano by Electronics is about to blow!

Greeter #2: I knowww!

Greeter #1: I knowww!

[ Lost Male Customer ambles forward, petrified ]

Male Customer: Hey, uh.. I’m looking for Leisure Wear..

Greeter #1: Uh.. hoo!

Greeter #2: Okay, we got an idea..

Greeter #1: Okay.

Greeter #2: Alright..

[ they unfold a large, bulky map together ]

Greeter #1: Here’s a map of Northern Wal-Mart. What you’re gonna do is go to hte end of this map, which is about 4,000 miles, and then you’re gonna come down here..

Greeter #2: Right.. Oh! Oh! Burt Reynolds lives here!

Greeter #1: I know! I heard that! And when you get to the end here, there’s gonna be a guide to give you more maps. Hey, listen up.. if you make it to Leisure Wear, tell them we wanna learn more about their people.

Greeter #2: Yeah! Tell them we mean them no harm!

Greeter #1: Yeah, we don’t!

Greeter #2: We don’t!

Greeter #1: No!!!

[ Store Manager breaks into the scene, as Male Customer shirks away in fear ]

Store Manager: Please! Please! Ladies! I have asked you repeatedly, to quit making remarks to the customers about how big this Wal-Mart is! It scares them! Yes, this is a big store, but we are proud of its size! And my name is Mr. Sparkson!

Greeter #2: Well, everyone calls you “Sparky”!

Store Manager: I understand that! Your job is just to greet people!

Greeter #1: Sparky!!

Greeter #2: Sparky!! Look! If I could wrap my mind around this Wal-Mart, I’d stop talking about it!

Greeter #1: I mean, this Wal-Mart is just so big, if we don’t talk about it, our heads are gonna pop out!

Greeter #2: Yeah! And then they’d just sell our heads in the Human Body Parts aisle of this Wal-Mart!

Store Manager: [ angered and greatly annoyed ] You know what?!! Your shofts are almost over, why don’t you.. just.. call it.. a day!!!

Greeter #1: Alright! We’re just gonna wave to you as you disappear into the horizon of this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #2: Yeah! We just gonna watch you walk into the sunset of this Wal-Mart, Sparky!

Greeter #1: We better get going, it’s getting dark over there in Automotives!

Greeter #2: Yeah, you’re right.. and, at night, its gets cold in here like a desert.

Greeter #1: I knowww!

Greeter #2: So.. what do you wanna do tonight?

Greeter #1: I heard there was a new Mexican restaurant with dollar Margaritas.

Greeter #2: [ excited ] That sounds great! Where is it?

Greeter #1: In this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #2: Great!

Greeter #1: Great! Right? Hey! I heard they have the Superbowl in this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #2: I heard they sell Superbowls in this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #1: I knowww! That’s how big it is!

Greeter #2: I knowww!

Together: I knowww!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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