Wal-Mart Greeters

02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

Walmart Greeters

Greeter #1…..Jennifer Garner
Greeter #2…..Amy Poehler
Female Customer #1…..Rachel Dratch
Female Customer #2…..Maya Rudolph
Store Manager…..Seth Meyers

[ open on exterior shot, Super Wal-Mart ] [ dissolve to interior, where two female door greeters stand and marvel at the massive space surounding them ]

Greeter #1: Hi! Welcome to Wal-Mart!

Greeter #2: I know I say this to you every day.. but I still can’t get over how big this Wal-Mart is!

Greeter #1: I knowwwww! It’s too big!

Greeter #2: I knowww!

Greeter #1: I knowww!

Greeter #2: I knowww! The whole town is this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #1: I knowww! It has too many things!

Greeter #2: I knowww!

Greeter #1: This store has to be at least eight city blocks! I mean, that is about 500 miles of store!

Greeter #2: I know! This Wal-Mart is as big as 250 Rite-Aids!

Greeter #1: I knowww! Thank God we work near the door! Otherwise, we’d never be able to get out!

Greeter #2: I knowww!

Greeter #1: You know it’s too big when you can park inside the store!

Greeter #2: I know! You know a store is too big when, under the same roof, you can buy a pack of gum and a speedboat!

Greeter #1: I knowww!

[ Female Customer saunters forward ]

Female Customer #1: Uh.. excuse me..

Greeter #2: Oh, hello! Welcome to Wal-Mart!

Greeter #1: Hi! You are now officially in Wal-Mart!

Female Customer #1: Uh.. can you point me to Sporting Goods?

Greeter #2: I can point you t’wards it.. but, I gotta be honest with you.. I never even seen Sporting Goods, I only heard about it.

Greeter #1: [ hands customer a bottle of water ] Here. Take some water with you, you’re gonna need it for the journey.

Female Customer #1: Oh.. thank you.. [ exits ]

Greeter #2: She’s never gonna make it, she’s too old!

Greeter #1: I knowww! People come in this Wal-Mart, and they never leave!

Greeter #2: I knowww! I heard that Kathy Peacock died in this Wal-Mart. And they didn’t find her body for weeks.

Greeter #1: I heard that Kathy Peacock was born in this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #2: I know! Two babies a day are born in this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #1: This Wal-Mart’s gonna have to elect its own President!

Greeter #2: This Wal-Mart has it’s own capitol!

Greeter #1: There’s a globe in School Supplies of just this Wal-Mart! That’s how big this Wal-Mart is!

Greeter #1: I knowww!

Greeter #2: I knowww!

[ another Female Customer steps forward trepiditiously ]

Female Customer #2: Excuse me..?

Greeter #2: Hi, welcome to Wal-Mart!

Greeter #1: Hi! You are now officially in Wal-Mart!

Female Customer #2: Thank you.. Um.. can you tell me where I would be able to find bath rugs, with patriotic baby ducks on them?

Greeter #2: Uh.. bath rugs with patriotic baby ducks is in.. Aisle 6,000! And, here.. [ grabs poncho ] ..you’re gonna need this poncho! ‘ Cause I think it’s rainy season in that part of Wal-Mart!

Greeter #1: And they might not speak English over there, because there are three indiginous languages to this Wal-Mart!

Female Customer #2: Oh.. uh.. thank you..? [ exits ]

Greeter #2: Bloo-bloo-bloop?

Greeter #1: What does that mean?

Greeter #2: It means “You’re welcome!” in Wal-Mart.

Greeter #1: Boy, is she in for it.

Greeter #2: I knowww! The competing weather systems in this Wal-Mart could cause a tornado to happen!

Greeter #1: I knowww! And that active volcano by Electronics is about to blow!

Greeter #2: I knowww!

Greeter #1: I knowww!

[ Lost Male Customer ambles forward, petrified ]

Male Customer: Hey, uh.. I’m looking for Leisure Wear..

Greeter #1: Uh.. hoo!

Greeter #2: Okay, we got an idea..

Greeter #1: Okay.

Greeter #2: Alright..

[ they unfold a large, bulky map together ]

Greeter #1: Here’s a map of Northern Wal-Mart. What you’re gonna do is go to hte end of this map, which is about 4,000 miles, and then you’re gonna come down here..

Greeter #2: Right.. Oh! Oh! Burt Reynolds lives here!

Greeter #1: I know! I heard that! And when you get to the end here, there’s gonna be a guide to give you more maps. Hey, listen up.. if you make it to Leisure Wear, tell them we wanna learn more about their people.

Greeter #2: Yeah! Tell them we mean them no harm!

Greeter #1: Yeah, we don’t!

Greeter #2: We don’t!

Greeter #1: No!!!

[ Store Manager breaks into the scene, as Male Customer shirks away in fear ]

Store Manager: Please! Please! Ladies! I have asked you repeatedly, to quit making remarks to the customers about how big this Wal-Mart is! It scares them! Yes, this is a big store, but we are proud of its size! And my name is Mr. Sparkson!

Greeter #2: Well, everyone calls you “Sparky”!

Store Manager: I understand that! Your job is just to greet people!

Greeter #1: Sparky!!

Greeter #2: Sparky!! Look! If I could wrap my mind around this Wal-Mart, I’d stop talking about it!

Greeter #1: I mean, this Wal-Mart is just so big, if we don’t talk about it, our heads are gonna pop out!

Greeter #2: Yeah! And then they’d just sell our heads in the Human Body Parts aisle of this Wal-Mart!

Store Manager: [ angered and greatly annoyed ] You know what?!! Your shofts are almost over, why don’t you.. just.. call it.. a day!!!

Greeter #1: Alright! We’re just gonna wave to you as you disappear into the horizon of this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #2: Yeah! We just gonna watch you walk into the sunset of this Wal-Mart, Sparky!

Greeter #1: We better get going, it’s getting dark over there in Automotives!

Greeter #2: Yeah, you’re right.. and, at night, its gets cold in here like a desert.

Greeter #1: I knowww!

Greeter #2: So.. what do you wanna do tonight?

Greeter #1: I heard there was a new Mexican restaurant with dollar Margaritas.

Greeter #2: [ excited ] That sounds great! Where is it?

Greeter #1: In this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #2: Great!

Greeter #1: Great! Right? Hey! I heard they have the Superbowl in this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #2: I heard they sell Superbowls in this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #1: I knowww! That’s how big it is!

Greeter #2: I knowww!

Together: I knowww!

[ fade ]

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