SNL Transcripts: Christopher Walken: 02/22/03: Colonel Angus



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 13





02m: Christopher Walken / Foo Fighters

Colonel Angus

Written by: Tina Fey

Melinda…..Amy Poehler
Daddy…..Chris Parnell
Miss Anabelle…..Rachel Dratch
Farm Boy…..Jeff Richards
Bedelia…..Maya Rudolph
Colonel Angus…..Christopher Walken

[ open on exterior, Civil War-era plantation home, as members of a Southern family sit on the porch and reflect. A banner above the eaves reads: “Welcome Home, Colonel Angus!” ]

Melinda: [ sitting on the steps ] When’s he gonna get here, Mama?

Miss Anabelle: [ setting on her rocker ] Anytime now, child.. be patient.

Melinda: Is he very handsome?

Miss Anabelle: [ chuckles ] He’s been away at war so long, I don’t rightly remember.

Melinda: Mama! Look! There’s a carriage on the horizon!

Miss Anabelle: Oh? [ looking about ] Well, where, dear child?

Melinda: There! [ points ] Traveling down the road! Darting in and out of the cotton!

Miss Anabelle: Oh.. oh! Well, that must be the Colonel! Colonel Angus!

Melinda: [ excited ] Could it really be, Mama? Could it really be Colonel Angus?

Miss Anabelle: ..I don’t know, uh.. We haven’t seen Colonel Angus around these parts for years..

[ Daddy steps onto the porch, from inside the plantation ]

Daddy: Are you ladies out here talking about Colonel Angus?

Melinda: Yes, Daddy! I can’t wait to meet him!

Daddy: Oh, watch out, Melinda! Once a woman is introduced to Colonel Angus, she’ll settle for nothing less.

Melinda: Daddy, they say all the womenfolk just love Colonel Angus!

Daddy: Hmm.. I don’t know why people make such a big fuss over Colonel Angus!

Miss Anabelle: I myself never much cared for Colonel Angus! He rubs me the wrong way. I’m not sure why.. can’t put my finger on it..

Daddy: Colonel Angus is an acquired taste! Bedelia!

[ Bedelia, the maid, comes running onto the porch ]

Bedelia: Yes, Sir?

Miss Anabelle: Break out some fresh linens, Bedilia! We’re gonna have Colonel Angus here tonight!

Bedelia: Colonel Angus? I don’t know nothin’ about no Colonel Angus!

Daddy: Well, get ready, Bedelia. If I remember correctly, Colonel Angus can be very messy!

[ at last, Colonel Angus steps onto the porch ]

Daddy: As I live and breath! Colonel Angus!

Miss Anabelle: Oh, Colonel Angus! You old Carpetbagger!

Colonel Angus: Anabelle! I fear my visit.. is an inconvenience.

Miss Anabelle: [ laughing ] Nonsense, Colonel Angus! We’re always happy to see your shiny face!

Daddy: Colonel Angus! What brings you to these parts?

Colonel Angus: I’m headed.. down South!

Daddy: Hmm. Of course!

Miss Anabelle: Uh.. how far south are you headed, Colonel Angus?

Colonel Angus: T’ain’t really sure. I prefer the Deep South.. I like the heat.. the humidity..

Daddy: Hmmm.. sir, I do not!

Colonel Angus: [ ] And who is this.. little rosebud?

Daddy: This is our daughter, Melinda.

Melinda: Colonel Angus. The pleasure is all mine. I’ve heard so much about you.

Colonel Angus: Well, my dear.. don’t believe everything you hear.. about ol’ Colonel Angus. Colonel Angus might be rough.. Colonel Angus might not smell like a bed of roses.. but, deep down.. Colonel Angus is very sweet.

Miss Anabelle: Well, we hope you’ll spend the night with us.

Colonel Angus: Well, thank you, Miss Anabelle. And if I overstay my welcome.. just tap me on the head.

Melinda: I always dreamnt of the day.. Colonel Angus would rest his head at Shady Thicket. I always begged my Daddy: “Tell me stories about you and Colonel Angus!” But he never will.

Daddy: [ chuckling ] Well, that’s because all of my experiences with Colonel Angus end in embarrassment!

[ they all share a hearty laugh ]

Daddy: Colonel Angus.. I hear rumors.

Colonel Angus: [ sighs ] The incident.. at Big Beaver..

Daddy: Yes?

Colonel Angus: It’s true, I’m afraid.. ten men were lost.. and I suffered a great injury.. to my jaw.

Daddy: Is it true you’ve been stripped of your rank?

Colonel Angus: Yes! It is. There’ll be no more “Colonel Angus”, ladies. Call me by my given name.

Miss Anabelle: Oh, Anal..

Melinda: I so love the sound of “Colonel Angus”.. but I guess I could give Anal Angus a try.

Colonel Angus: [ to a passing farm boy ] You there, Boy! ride into town and tell the Postmaster.. that if anyone is looking for Anal Angus.. to come knockin’ at the rear entrance.. of Shady Thicket.

Farm Boy: Euuuggghhh..

Colonel Angus: If you’ll excuse me.. I’d like to freshen up.

[ Colonel Angus turns, and enters the plantation home ]

Miss Anabelle: Of course! We’ll call you when it’s time to eat, Anal! Bedelia lays out quite a spread.

Melinda: Well, I think Colonel Angus is delightful!

Daddy & Miss Anabelle: Hmmm….

Miss Anabelle: You won’t.. after forty-five minutes.

Daddy: No-o-o.. you can only take so much of Colonel Angus.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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