Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 13
The Continental…..Christopher Walken
Announcer: The sun is set. The stars shine in the sky. The night air is tinged with anticipation. And it is time to meet the Continental.[ a glove breezes past the Continental’s door, ringing the doorbell ]
The Continental: [ opens the door ] Ouch! You must be the fashion model.. who answered my ad in the Penny Saver. Welcome to my abode.. come in.. please. [ the camera enters the apartment, as the Continnetal stares ] Wow! You would.. you would make a beautiful spokesperson.. for my new line.. of cosmetic. Please, sit.. Sit, please. Please.. sit. [ sits next to the Continental, looking at him cautiously ] Normally, I would offer you.. vintage Champagna.. and cavier. But.. I have grown impatient with the French. Ever since the Froggy stabbed Colin Powell in the back.. I eschew all things French.. no more! Camembert.. fois gras.. eau de cologne.. Frenchie, from “American Idol”.. and, big surprise to me.. champagna! Who knew! That’s the only place champagna come from! But.. my word is my bond.. it is done. Instead.. I offer you. effervescent.. Andre’s Cold Duck. [ camera shakes head no ] No? Ah. Then.. let me offer you.. a nosh. I must confess.. without the frogs, my cuisine – excuse me, “food” – has suffered.. but.. what have we here? [ holds out tray of vending machine snacks ] Bugles.. with cream cheese. We got.. ants-on-a-log – hello! Combos.. they cheese your hunger away! Enjoy! While I freshen up..[ The Continental exits the front room, as the camera looks about the room. Camera focuses on a row of books on a shelf, pulls one out and opens it, as if to read, discovering instead a copy of Snoop Dogg’s “Doggy-Style” edition of “Girls Gone Wild”. Camera pans right to find the Contnental has returned, pleased with the video discovery ]
I cannot help but notice.. you admire my video collection! Snoop! You gotta love the guy.. he knows how to spend his money, huh! Do you enjoy some spice.. in your video life? What you see here.. is the tip.. of the iceberg. The rest is concealed away. Would you like to take a peek? Maybe.. we could make a movie together. [ camera shakes head no ] I toy with you. Hey! I got toys, too! I gotta camera.. I got the whole schmear! No? [ camera flees for the door, intercepted as usual by the overzealous Continental ] Wow! Wowee-wow-wow! You.. are fast! Sit, please. You are too.. [ kisses woman’s outstretched hand ] ..exquisite.. to leave so soon, you.. wof.. my arctic hush puppy! Let me show you my line.. of homemade products.. you will model. No animals used.. lip gloss.. hmm? Try some. [ dips finger in gooey lip gloss, holds it in front of camera’s “mouth”, then quickly retrieves it after being “bitten” ] Owww!!! If that was love bite.. then, you must love me a lot! Look at this.. you broke the skin! Bad vixen! You naughty cougar! I forgive you.. but.. you must kiss it! Come on, tiger! Kiss it! You must kiss it.. [ holds his hurt finger in front of camera ] Come on, come on, come on.. make it better! [ points his finger seductively down to his crotch; the camera agains flees for the door, but The Continental once again blocks the path ]
Forgive me, please.. my passions overtook me. I forgot myself, and let the little head think for the big one. What can I say? I’m a guy! [ laughs ] Okay! Forget lip gloss.. it stinks.. it’s junk.. ptooie! [ spits ] Focus on hand cream.. its the shiznit. [ kisses woman’s hand, then leads the way to his wondrous hand cream ] Come! Let me show you the engine that powers my light. Come! I beseech you! Behold! [ holds up what looks to have been a food jar of some kind ] Behold.. Continental hand cream. Good.. huh? I package it myself.. also, guess what? Once upon a time, this was Vlasic pickle jar.. the lable comes off.. in the dishwasher. Wowee! [ laughs ] You know.. beauty.. it’s so important.. especially in these dark times.. because.. without beauty, the terrorists.. will have truly won. Can.. can you step closer, please? Little closer. [ camera moves closer, as The Continental looks down at the floor; camera looks down as well, only to discover a her reflection on a floor mirror ] Wow! Wowee-wow-wow-wow! “I see London.. I see France.. I see something..” No, wait! Wait, no! no, don’t leave! Please! My intention.. my intention, you misunderstood! Please, forgive me! Wait! If you change your mind, you can call me![ camera flees for the door, makes her exit, then slams the door behind her and runs ]
Announcer: Join us again next week, for another chapter in the life of.. The Continental.