Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 13
Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
Douglas Feith…..Chris Parnell
Dominique de Villepen…..Christopher Walken
Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews! In the last week, millions of Americans have gathered together to protest the impending war with Iraq! Listen, protestors, I got news for ya: Bush is ignoring France, Germany, China and Russia; he’s definitely not gonna listen to some white kid with dreadlocks banging on his frat buddy’s bongo drum! Can anything stop this red, white and blue freight train, or is Baghdad about to have more craters than Edward Jame Olmos’ face? With us today, one of the honkiest honks around, a guy who puts the “Grr!” in “warmonger”; Undersecretary of Defense, Douglas Feith.
Douglas Feith: Hello, Chris.
Chris Matthews: Shut it! Also joining us, the man whose anti-war stance has given Bush more trouble than the People Magazine crossword puzzle, French Foreign Minister, Dominique de Villepen.
Dominique de Villepen: Allo.. Messieur Matthew.
Chris Matthews: That was fine! You people in the State Department are hell-bent on attacking Saddam! I haven’t seen a group of people this crazy for blood, since the Cobra Kai chased Daniel-san out of the Halloween dance in “The Karate Kid”!
Douglas Feith: [ confused ] What?
Chris Matthews: Answer the question!
Douglas Feith: [ needlessly arguing with Chris ] You didn’t ask me a question!
Chris Matthews: Answer it!
Douglas Feith: [ sighs ] Chris, we find it apalling how Saddam Hussein is ignoring the United Nations! He has ignored the United Nations for almost fifteen years! America only wants to ignore the United Nations for seven to ten days. Then, we’ll go right back to pretending we care what they say.
Chris Matthews: [ shaking his head ] I’m gonna assume you know that that’s stupid, and I’m gonna move on. Inspector Clouseau! Your thoughts!
Dominique de Villepen: Chris.. France does not oppose this war because we are pro-Iraq.. we oppose it because we are anti-America! I mean.. let’s face it.. you guys are ridiculous. You are loud..
Chris Matthews: Yeah!
Dominique de Villepen: ..greedy..
Chris Matthews: Yeah!
Dominique de Villepen: ..bloodthirsty..
Chris Matthews: Check!
Dominique de Villepen: ..boorish..
Chris Matthews: Uh-huh!
Dominique de Villepen: You’re a bunch of fat.. oil-guzzling, ham-faces!
Chris Matthews: Thats big talk from a country whose only contributions to world culture in the last 50 years are Gerard Depardieu and that horny skunk!
Dominique de Villepen: [ insulted ] Pepe le Pew! Eh? What about him?
Douglas Feith: Uh.. uh.. Chris! Can I say something? Uh.. many people are, uh.. accusing this administration of warmongering! The fact is, military conflict was not our first option; it was simply the only one we considered. Uh.. I mean.. we would have loved to have solved this peacefully, but you know as well as I do, that simply would not have been any fun.
Chris Matthews: Man, oh man! Theres more testosterone in the Pentagon right now than in Mike Tysons urine! Jacques Cousteau! Will France ever support military action?
Dominique de Villepen: Certanly. The truth.. of the matter.. we don’t wish to prevent war. We hate Saddam. But.. we know how much Bush wants war.. so we.. want to make it as hard as possible.. just to be, how you say.. “douchebag”.
Chris Matthews: [ chuckling ] Wow! I gotta say, Tin-Tin, I like your style! Douglas Feith! North Korea, by all accounts, poses a larger threat! Why go after Iraq first?!
Douglas Feith: Well, I think it’s pretty logical, Chris. We’re doing it alphabetically.
Chris Matthews: Uh-huh..
Douglas Feith: Afghanistan.. Iraq.. North Korea.. next will be Puerto Rico.. then, Sweden. We’re hoping to finish up with Zimbabwe by 2006.
Chris Matthews: I want to try something. Hey, Feith! How would you fix the American economy?
Douglas Feith: I’d bomb it.
Chris Matthews: How about education?
Douglas Feith: Blow it up.
Chris Matthews: What would you do if a deli screwed up your lunch order!
Douglas Feith: Assassinate him.
Chris Matthews: [ laughing ] That’s what I thought! Ha ha! Francie! Anything left to add!
Dominique de Villepen: I hate you. I’m bored.
Chris Matthews: [ singing ] “Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques, shut your hole!” When we come back, Douglas Feith’s gonna explain why we should invade Wisconsin! and then, you’re gonna hear French Ambassador Dominique de Villepen say..
Dominique de Villepen: “Live.. from New York.. it’s.. Saturday Night!”