SNL Transcripts: Christopher Walken: 02/22/03: Pranksters

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 13

02m: Christopher Walken / Foo Fighters


Zack Ricky…..Seth Meyers
Danny Einhorn…..Chris Kattan
Sister…..Maya Rudolph
Larry Hobson…..Christopher Walken
Phil…..Chris Parnell

Zack Ricky: Hey, everybody, it’s me, Zack Ricky! And you’re watching “Pranksters”!

[ cut to show jingle, which features a montage of Zack Ricky playing pranks: putting whoopie cushion under chair, setting up bucket of water over door jamb, etc. ]

When your back is turned
Here comes a prank!
You’re gonna get burned
Here comes a prank!

When the worm is turned
Your lesson will be learned!
You’re watching “Pranksters”!”

[ dissolve to zany show set ]

Zack Ricky: Welcome to “Pranksters!”

[ cue “Bo-i-i-i-inggg” sound effect ]

Zack Ricky: Yeah! We have another totally awseome episode for you today! Totally awesome if you’re cool, that is! If your some Stiffly Stifferson, who has a prank coming your way, you might not be as psyched! But enough chit-chat! Let’s bring out our first Prankster – Danny Einhorn!

[ cue fun-whistle siren sound effect ] [ Danny, in bleached blonde hair and baggy clothes, enters set ]

Danny Einhorn: Hey hey, what’s up!

Zack Ricky: Hey!

Danny Einhorn: It’s so great to be here! I love the show!

Zack Ricky: Well, it’s always great to meet another prankster! Tell us a little bit about your target!

[ cue bow-and-arrow sound effect, trumped by bullwhip crack sound effect ]

Zack Ricky: Great sound effects! Ted the Sound Effects guy!

Danny Einhorn: [ excited to tell his story ] Well! Some have called her a queen-sized Stiffly Stifferson, but I call her.. “my sister”!

[ cue foghorn sound effect ]

Danny Einhorn: [ giggles ]

Zack Ricky: Well, thanks to our patented Prankster Hidden Camera, we can see exactly what went down!

[ dissolve to Danny’s sister’s room, where he has entered and invaded during her absence; Danny holds a rubber rat up before the hidden camera ]

Danny Einhorn V/O: The thing about my sister is – she hates.. rats!

Zack Ricky V/O: Uh-oh! Look like Sis might be in some trouble!

Danny Einhorn V/O: Hah hah ha! You bet! It was Prom night.. so I was pretty sure Sis would be making a move for some jewelry.. ha ha! And, sure enough..

[ on video, Danny hides the rubber rat in Sister’s jewelry box, then hides in the closet; soon, Sister enters room ]

Zack Ricky V/O: Uh-oh! Look out, Sis!

Danny Einhorn: Ha ha! I know!

[ on video, Sister opens her jewelry box, discovering the rubber rat and reacting thusly ]

Sister (on video): Aaaggghhhhh!!!! Danny!!

[ on video, Danny come running out of the closet, as Sister comes after him; Danny gives the thumbs-up to the hidden camera, as the “Prank!” logo graphic covers the screen ] [ dissolve back to “Pranksters” studio ]

Zack Ricky V/O: Whammy, blammy, yowee-zowee! You’ve just been pranked!

[ cue bricks falling sound effect ]

Danny Einhorn: Got ‘er!! [ laughs ]

Zack Ricky: Thanks for stopping by, Danny! And, to all you sisters out there: Never yank a prankster!

[ cue “Bo-i-i-i-inggg” sound effect ]

Zack Ricky: Well, let’s bring out our next Prankster – Larry Hobson!

[ cue fun-whistle siren sound effect ] [ Larry, a grown man, enters set ]

Larry Hobson: Thanks, Zack! I’m a huge fan! I’m such a huge fan! Huge!

Zack Ricky: Thank you, Larry. You know, I’m gonna come right out and say it: you’re a lot older than most of our Pranksters.

Larry Hobson: Well.. I like to think all Pranksters are young at heart.

Zack Ricky: All right! Sounds good! Now, tell us about your target!

[ cue bow-and-arrow sound effect ]

Larry Hobson: This guy.. I’ll tell ya.. he was a Stiffy Stifferson like you wouldn’t believe, his name is Phil.. and he always takes my parking space at work.

Zack Ricky: [ speaking to the camera ] I’m getting the feeling you probably shouldn’t have done that, Phil!

Larry Hobson: [ trying to stifle his laughter ] I think.. he probably.. agrees with you, now! [ laughs ] [ cue foghorn sound effect ]

Zack Ricky: Well, let’s not waste any time! Prankster Hidden Camera, go!

[ dissolve to video of employee prking lot, as Larry enters frame by Phil’s car, smiles at the hidden camera, then hides behind Phil’s car ]

Larry Hobson V/O: Okay! This.. is from.. last Friday. I sneaked down early, and hid behind Phil’s car.

Zack Ricky V/O: Looks like you’d better brace yourself, Phil!

[ on video, Phil enters frame, grinning smugly as he fishes his keys from his pocket and opens the driver’s-side door ]

Larry Hobson V/O: Look.. how proud he looks with his parking spot!

Zack Ricky V/O: [ anticipating a great prank ] I can’t wait for him to get it!

[ on video, Larry jumps out from behind Phil’s car, and proceeds to smash Phil’s backside with a rusty tire iron, until Phil’s lifeless body slumps onto the pavement; still clutching the tire iron with his right hand, Larry jumps in front of the hidden camera and displays a victory thumbs-up with his left hand, as the “Prank!” logo graphic covers the screen ] [ dissolve back to “Pranksters” studio ]

Larry Hobson: [ laughing uproariously ]

Zack Ricky: [ stunned by the freakish turn of events ] Wha-wha-what happened?

Larry Hobson: I jumped out and pranked him! To death with a tire iron!

[ cue buggy horn sound effect ]

Zack Ricky: What?!

Larry Hobson: [ fighting the tears from laughing so hard ] Yeah! You shoulda seen the look.. on his face! Classic!

[ cue splatting sound effect ]

Zack Ricky: [ appalled ] Hold on.. I-I-I-I don’t understand..

Larry Hobson: What’s not to understand?! He was a Stiffly Stifferson.. so I stuck it to ‘im! Whammy!! Whammy, wowee, zowee! You just been.. pranked!

[ cue sound effect ]

Zack Ricky: Can we, uh.. can we cut the sound effects, Ted? Please?

Larry Hobson: He.. he had it coming, Zack! He yanked the Prankster! Right, Ted?

[ cue sound effect ]

Zack Ricky: Ted, I’m serious! Cut off the sound effects! Larry, is this some sort of prank you’re playing on me?

Larry Hobson: [ flabbergasted ] Prank you?! Why, I-I-I-I’d never prank you.. you’re my hero!

[ cue sound effect ]

Zack Ricky: [ annoyed ] Ted! Come on! now, a man has died here!

[ cue descending trombone sound effect ]

Larry Hobson: You’re being a Stiffly Stifferson, Zack..

Zack Ricky: No! No, no, no, no, no! I’m not being one..

Larry Hobson: Good. Because I hate Stiffly Stiffersons. I wanna prank them for hours.. in my basement.

Zack Ricky: Well, then.. obviously.. this has been a particularly sad episode of “Pranksters”..

[ cue descending trombone sound effect ]

Zack Ricky: [ more annoyed ] Ted, you and I are gonna have to have a conversation, alright?! [ glumly, to the camera ] So.. we’ll see you next week.. on “Pranskters”.

[ fade to black ]

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