Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 13
Raft Voter…..Will Forte
Mr. Tyus…..Christopher Walken
Liam Cook…..Fred Armisen
Gary the Passenger…..Seth Meyers
[Open on a videotaped shot of the ocean with the super: Somewhere In The Atlantic at the bottom. Fade in on four men sitting miserably in an orange life raft. One of the men, The Raft Voter, stands up]
Raft Voter: Well, gentlemen, dawn is upon us, and it looks like we’re all here. Last night, we decided we needed to elect a raft captain, and all three of you threw your hats into the ring. As the sole voter, I asked you to prepare some speeches. Mr. Tyus, you’re first.
Mr. Tyus: [ stands up ] Good morning, it’s good to be here. I suppose I should start by addressing what’s.. surely on all your minds: my record as a captain. I realize you probably know me best as the captain who sunk our ship.. and brought about this regrettable situation. I can see now that it was foolish.. to take a shortcut.. through.. Iceberg Alley when it was only going to shave 10.. 15 minutes off our three-week trip. I can also admit that it was a mistake to use all the flares from this lifeboat.. to light my farts. I was trying to improve.. raft morale, but only succeeded in causing some.. [flubs saying pretty serious] prettious serious.. burn scars. Also, in regards to the past two nights, I’d like to apologize for the gay stuff.
Raft Voter: Alright. A lot of very compelling points. Thank you for that honesty. Our next candidate for Raft Captain is our cook, Leo.
Cook: Hello. Thank you. You all know that I’ve been saying for days that we should fashion some sort of sail out of our clothes.
Mr. Tyus: Oh, come on! Get this joker outta here!
Raft Voter: I’m sorry, Mr. Tias, your-
Mr. Tyus: The cook doesn’t know what he’s talking about – he’s a cook!
Raft Voter: I-I’m sorry.. Mr. Tias, please..
Mr. Tyus: [ nastily ] Fine!
Raft Voter: Okay. Continue, Leo.
Cook: Well.. you don’t need to be a cook to know that our food situation is dire. We need to ration our food! There has been no reason to throw our food in the water as bait, when we have no means to catch the fish.
Mr. Tyus: We all know that now! It’s easy to say that now!
Cook: [ sighs ] Vote for me, and I promise to make a concerted effort to-
Mr. Tyus: [sarcastically] L-likely story! That’s crap! Boo!
Cook: I didn’t even say anything!
Mr. Tyus: Look! If I could jump in here.. I know everyone’s still upset that, on my lookout shift, I didn’t try to flag down that Carnival cruise line. But.. I swear, from a distance, I could have sworn it was a pirate ship! They were playing music.. having a good time.. you know, “pirate” stuff!
Passenger: We’re all pretty familiar with pirate stu —
Mr. Tyus: Hey! It’s not your turn! Who’s running this.. thing?
Raft Voter: I am. And, actually, it is his turn.
Passenger: Great. Look, I’ll be brief. I think we can all agree that we have a problem on this raft. A problem that slathers on sunblock as if it’s in limitless supply! A problem that sings songs [Mr. Tyus rubs an oar past the Passengers chest as he talks. The Passenger shoves it away from him] without knowing any of the lyrics. A problem that urinates and defecates in the boat, as opposed to into the water! [ swats away at the oar Mr. Tyus is purposely rubbing past his chest again ] STOP IT!!
Mr. Tyus: [ innocently ] What?!! I’m paddling!
Cook: It’s not even touching the water!
Mr. Tyus: Oh! I know what this is all about. Fine! I’m sorry I threw the.. the oar at that bird! It seemed so close! [stands up and swings the oar around] These.. birds.. are like.. flying optical illusions! Oh, cripes! There’s a bird! [ throws the oar into the water ] Look at that.. not even close.
Passenger: [to Cook] There goes our last oar.
Mr. Tyus: Look at that.. not even close.
Passenger: Yeah, that was our last oar.
Mr. Tyus: [ a beat, alarmed ] There’s no stopping the BIRD ATTACKS now!!
Passenger: [ stands up, says quickly ] In closing, I would just like to say that I don’t think this guy should be Captain any more!
Mr. Tyus: You know.. this is hardly fair! Gary’s biased! He’s had it in for me since the minute I tried to eat ‘im! You’ve got a long memory, my friend!
Cook: That was two days ago.
Mr. Tyus: No hard feelings on this end, pal! That’s what happens on a cocaine high! But.. I’m outta cocaine, people. That’s not gonna be a problem any more!
Raft Voter: Duly noted.
Mr. Tyus: And, again.. if this is about the recent gay stuff.. I’m working on that!
Raft Voter: Okay. If you’re done, Mr. Tias, it’s time to vote.
Mr. Tyus: You know.. I got one last thing I’d like to say: I’m worried.. that you don’t know how much I.. want this. Sure, I made mistakes.. but I go for it! I really go for it! And, if I don’t get this.. I’m gonna go crazy!! Really berserk!!
Passenger: So, just to clarify, you haven’t gone crazy yet.
Mr. Tyus: [ outraged ] What’d you say.. lunch?![ Passenger tries to escape by going overboard, but Mr. Tyus lunges for him and bites his back ] [ fade ]