Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Bob Dole…..Dan Aykroyd
[ open on ticking stopwatch ]
Announcer: Tonight on “60 Minutes”, the return of Point/Counterpoint. Here to debate the impending war in Iraq, are former President Bill Clinton.. and Senator Bob Dole.[ dissolve to Bill Clinton and Bob Dole seated opposite one another in studio ]
Bill Clinton: Bob. How did our diplomatic strategy on Iraq.. fall apart so badly.. so fast. In little over tow years.. this administration has squandered every foreign policy achievement of the 90’s, and, through its arrogant, unilateral approach, has succeeded only in provoking our enemies, and alienating our friends. Not a day goes by that I don’t get a phone call from some head of state who’ll ask me, “What the hell is going on in your country? When you were president, the economy was moving, the world was at peace, America as admired and respected throughout the world.. can’t you do something?” And I’ll tell them, that, while I appreciate their kind words and share some of their concerns, I feel that it would be inappropriate for me to undermine President Bush by publicly criticizing him. And they’ll say, “But you were so great to work with as President.. you were so visionary, so well-informed.. can’t you run again in 2004?” [ laughs heartily, holds up thumb and bites lips ] And, again, I thank them, but point out that I served my two terms, and I feel I should give others the chance. And they’ll say, “But you’re still so young! In 2004, you’ll only be 58.. and that’s younger than most presidents are in their first term.” And I’ll just say, “Well, that’s true, and the Constitution does permit me to run for a third non-consecutive term – or, it ought to. But, right now, 2004 is the furthest thing from my mind.” “Bill, please consider it,” they’ll say, “because, God, we need you. The world needs you.” And, of course, I thank Tony Blair, or Jacques Chirac, or Mr. Putin, or Pervez Mussharraf, or Kofi Annan or Jean Chretien, or Jiang Zemin, or whoever it is! Nelson Mandela calls a lot. He’s a fan. It’s all very flattering, and it’s all very sweet. But, the fact is, I’m enjoying my retirement from public life, and I’m just a private citizen who wants to support President Bush in any way I can. and the best advice I can give him right now is to go back to the United Nations, let the inspectors do their jobs, keep the pressure on, and work with our allies in France, Germany, and Russia.
Bob Dole: [ clears throat ] Bill.. you ignorant slut. [ audience erupts in applause ] Saddam Hussein is a boil that needs to be lanced, and we’re gonna lance it! So why don’t you and little European pal just run along and have a garden party! Eat your sandwiches with the crust cut off, and watercress salad for dessert! Put on your tiny little swimsuits, frolick on the lawn! Throw a beach ball like a girl, explore the different aspects of your sexuality! And if you just step aside and let us – the British, the Spanish, and Australians – take care of business! While I’ve got you, here’s another thing: Tell your Hillary to lay off my wife, Libby! She’s a senator now! She doesn’t have to take that kind of guff she’s been getting from your old lady! Next time she comes home to in tears because Hillary’s made some snide remark about her in the Senate cloakroom, or.. she’s rolling her eyes at my wife in a committee hearing, I’m gonna jump in my car, head over to the Capitol, and beat her like a rented mule! Don’t think the Secret Service or Capitol police can protect her! ‘Cause I know how to get the drop on her! I know every secret passageway, trap door and revolving bookcase in that building! sooner or later, I’ll get her alone! and, when I do, I’ll kick her hippie behind like it’s never been kicked! And by the way, I don’t want to hear any more Viagra or Britney Spears jokes! I’m not ashamed of my commercial endorsements! I have a family to provide for, and.. I didn’t have the rich Hollywood friends buying me houses! The no-show job at Dreamworks! Or the $10 million advance on a book! Bob Dole didn’t have those things! Now, you look me in the eye and tell me that you’ve written one page of that book, Bill Clinton! You can’t! Because you haven’t written Word One! Because you are what you’ve always been: an indolent, borderline, sociopathic, hedonistic, sexual predator! Full of pointy-headed Oxford-bred socialism! Who would have us all dragged back to the era of Stalin, Mao and Ho Chi Minh!
Announcer: This has been Point/Counterpoint. And now, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”