SNL Transcripts: Queen Latifah: 03/08/03: The Fight



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 14
















02n: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

The Fight

Tracy…..Tracy Morgan
Kendra…..Queen Latifah
Bystander #1…..Amy Poehler
Bystander #2…..Jimmy Fallon
Bystander #3…..Darrell Hammond

[ The street, evening. Tracy rushes to the outside of an apartment, where Kendra is throwing clothes out the window. ]

Tracy: Damn, Kendra! Why you throwin’ my stuff everywhere?

Kendra: I told you, I want you OUT!

Tracy: Come on, baby, let’s talk about this!

Kendra: No! Hell no! Take yo’ crap and GO!

Tracy: [ notices three bystanders behind him ] Folks, do you mind?!

Bystander #1: Not at all.

Bystander #2: Don’t mind us.

Bystander #3: This is exciting!

Tracy: Baby, I love you! Why you treatin’ me like this?

Kendra: You had sex with my MUVV-ah!

[ The bystanders react: “Ohhh — burn!” ]

Tracy: What — I DID NOT!

Kendra: Uh huh! My sister saw you!

[ The bystanders snicker ]

Bystander #2: Busted, dude.

Tracy: I can explain that!

Kendra: I don’t wanna hear it! Just take yo’ stuff! Matter fact, here go yo’ stinky, dirty, skinny draw’s! [ throws out his underwear; the bystanders react in disgust ]

Bystander #2: Aw man, that’s nasty.

Kendra: And here go yo’ cheap-ass cologne! [ chucks the bottle on the ground where it shatters ]

Tracy: Come on, I bought that at Costco!

Bystander #1: [ waves hand ] Aw, man, that’s, that’s nasty too.

Bystander #2: [ giggling ] Yeah.

Tracy: Come on, you makin’ me mad, Kendra! You better let me back in there right NOW!

Kendra: Or what? Or you gon’ break down the door? Why, so you can get your MC Hammer pants? [ waves them around ] Can’t touch this, I can’t touch this, I can’t — [ throws them out ]

Tracy: OKAY! I was wrong to yell at you! I realize that now!

Bystander #2: [ picks them up ] God. I’ve never seen MC Hammer pants in person.

Bystander #3: Cool …

Tracy: [ to bystanders ] I wore those for Halloween!

Bystander #2: Sure you did.

Kendra: And here go yo’ MC Hammer CDs … [ throws them out ]

Bystander #2: Man … geez …

Tracy: [ to bystanders ] Oh, come on! That first album was pretty good.

Bystander #1: [ picks up a CD ] Yeah … this one’s the Addams Family soundtrack! [ Bystander #2 giggles ]

Kendra: [ tossing out more CDs ] Yeah … and here go yo’ Vanilla Ice, yo’ Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, and yo’ Rico Suave!

Tracy: [ to Kendra ] His name was Gerardo!

Kendra: Oh yeah, and don’t forget yo’ Star Wars t-shirts! [ throws them out ]

Tracy: Oh, come on, first of all, those aren’t mine, second of all, those are Deep Space Nine shirts!

Kendra: And here go yo’ purple cape! [ throws it out ]

Bystander #1: You own a purple cape?

Tracy: [ to bystanders] Again, Halloween.

Bystander #1: I thought you were Hammer.

Tracy: I was Super-Hammer. … That’s worse, isn’t it?

Bystanders: Yeah.

Kendra: And here’s your fanny pack … [ tosses it ]

Bystander #2: Aw, man, fanny pack?

Tracy: Agai- it was a GIFT!

Bystander #2: Sure it was.

Tracy: [ to Kendra ] Just CALM DOWN for a second, baby doll!

Kendra: [ huff ] … Don’t you “baby doll” me.

Tracy: Now listen, I know you’re hurtin’, boo. Just listen to me, will you do that, baby, PLEASE? Please?

Kendra: YEAH! Okay.

Tracy: Now … you know I love you, right?

Kendra: … I guess.

Tracy: You know I know you love ME, right?

Kendra: Yeah, I guess.

Tracy: Jus-just think about it. All I did was sleep wit yo’ moms, right?

Kendra: Ooh, son of a BITCH!

Bystander #2: Ehhh, lost her on that one, lost her on that.

Bystander #1: Yeah, not, not good.

Kendra: You take yo’ Garfield phone … [ throws it out ] … and don’t forget this stupid-ass …

Tracy: No!

Kendra: … self-portrait! [ throws out a painting of a green and red face ]

Tracy: No, not the self-portrait! The dude at the Y said I was a natural!

Kendra: And don’t forget this damn snake! [ throws it out; Tracy catches it ]

Tracy: Not King Arthur!

Kendra: You tell yo’ moms to take care of that slimy bastard.

Tracy: [ puts the snake on his shoulders ] Listen, it was a accident, I SWEAR!

Kendra: Oh, save it, cornball!

Tracy: Damn! Come on …

Kendra: Oh, by the way, I found your porno tapes! [ tosses them out ]

Tracy: [ to bystanders ] I thought I hid those pretty good.

Bystander #1: Wow.

Bystander #2: Yeah.

[ The bystanders watch as more and more tapes hit the ground ]

Bystander #2: How big is your closet, dude?

Tracy: Now … those aren’t all porn, some of those are karate tapes.

Bystander #2: Yeah, right.

Kendra: [ throwing more items out ] And here is your penile pump … and your penis enlargement pills … and your stay-hard cream!

Tracy: Not — wait, whoa — not only are those not all mine, but those don’t even work!

Bystander #3: I’ll give you fifty cents for that cream. [ hands him two quarters ]

Tracy: Sold. [ takes the quarters; Bystander #3 takes the tube of cream and leaves ]

Kendra: Oh yeah … and don’t forget yo’ punk-ass cousin Kenny! [ tosses a body out the window; Kenny gets up and limps away ]

Tracy: Wait — baby, he’s just crashin’ till his pad is good and ready!

Kendra: He’s been here for six months!

Tracy: I know, baby, you’re right!

Kendra: Oh, and here your stuffed bear go!

Tracy: Wait a minute, I gave you that bear, remember?

Kendra: That was before you had sex with my MUVV-ah!

Tracy: I know. But I only made love to yo’ moms so that I could know how it would feel to make love to you twenty years from now!

Kendra: [ has a change of heart ] … Really?

Bystander #1: She bought that?

Tracy: [ to bystanders ] SHHHH! [ to Kendra ] Yes, really! … You my girl, y’know. I wanna grow old wit’chu.

Kendra: I wanna grow old wit’chu, too.

Tracy: I love you, Kendra.

Kendra: I love you too, daddy. … I’m sorry I threw your clothes on the ground. And all them things for your ding-dong. Will you forgive me?

Tracy: Yeah, yeah, I forgive you.

Kendra: [ smiles ] Well why don’t you come up here and we can make up all proper-like?

[ The two bystanders leave ]

Tracy: What — looks like it’s Hammer Time! [ picks up the purple cape ] Oh yeah! Oh — wait a minute.

Kendra: What’s wrong, what’s wrong?

Tracy: I gotta catch up with that dude with the cream! [ runs away ]

[ Applause, fade to black ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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