Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 14
Bystander #1…..Amy Poehler
Bystander #2…..Jimmy Fallon
Bystander #3…..Darrell Hammond
[ The street, evening. Tracy rushes to the outside of an apartment, where Kendra is throwing clothes out the window. ]
Tracy: Damn, Kendra! Why you throwin’ my stuff everywhere?
Kendra: I told you, I want you OUT!
Tracy: Come on, baby, let’s talk about this!
Kendra: No! Hell no! Take yo’ crap and GO!
Tracy: [ notices three bystanders behind him ] Folks, do you mind?!
Bystander #1: Not at all.
Bystander #2: Don’t mind us.
Bystander #3: This is exciting!
Tracy: Baby, I love you! Why you treatin’ me like this?
Kendra: You had sex with my MUVV-ah!
[ The bystanders react: “Ohhh — burn!” ]
Tracy: What — I DID NOT!
Kendra: Uh huh! My sister saw you!
[ The bystanders snicker ]
Bystander #2: Busted, dude.
Tracy: I can explain that!
Kendra: I don’t wanna hear it! Just take yo’ stuff! Matter fact, here go yo’ stinky, dirty, skinny draw’s! [ throws out his underwear; the bystanders react in disgust ]
Bystander #2: Aw man, that’s nasty.
Kendra: And here go yo’ cheap-ass cologne! [ chucks the bottle on the ground where it shatters ]
Tracy: Come on, I bought that at Costco!
Bystander #1: [ waves hand ] Aw, man, that’s, that’s nasty too.
Bystander #2: [ giggling ] Yeah.
Tracy: Come on, you makin’ me mad, Kendra! You better let me back in there right NOW!
Kendra: Or what? Or you gon’ break down the door? Why, so you can get your MC Hammer pants? [ waves them around ] Can’t touch this, I can’t touch this, I can’t — [ throws them out ]
Tracy: OKAY! I was wrong to yell at you! I realize that now!
Bystander #2: [ picks them up ] God. I’ve never seen MC Hammer pants in person.
Bystander #3: Cool …
Tracy: [ to bystanders ] I wore those for Halloween!
Bystander #2: Sure you did.
Kendra: And here go yo’ MC Hammer CDs … [ throws them out ]
Bystander #2: Man … geez …
Tracy: [ to bystanders ] Oh, come on! That first album was pretty good.
Bystander #1: [ picks up a CD ] Yeah … this one’s the Addams Family soundtrack! [ Bystander #2 giggles ]
Kendra: [ tossing out more CDs ] Yeah … and here go yo’ Vanilla Ice, yo’ Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, and yo’ Rico Suave!
Tracy: [ to Kendra ] His name was Gerardo!
Kendra: Oh yeah, and don’t forget yo’ Star Wars t-shirts! [ throws them out ]
Tracy: Oh, come on, first of all, those aren’t mine, second of all, those are Deep Space Nine shirts!
Kendra: And here go yo’ purple cape! [ throws it out ]
Bystander #1: You own a purple cape?
Tracy: [ to bystanders] Again, Halloween.
Bystander #1: I thought you were Hammer.
Tracy: I was Super-Hammer. … That’s worse, isn’t it?
Kendra: And here’s your fanny pack … [ tosses it ]
Bystander #2: Aw, man, fanny pack?
Tracy: Agai- it was a GIFT!
Bystander #2: Sure it was.
Tracy: [ to Kendra ] Just CALM DOWN for a second, baby doll!
Kendra: [ huff ] … Don’t you “baby doll” me.
Tracy: Now listen, I know you’re hurtin’, boo. Just listen to me, will you do that, baby, PLEASE? Please?
Kendra: YEAH! Okay.
Tracy: Now … you know I love you, right?
Kendra: … I guess.
Tracy: You know I know you love ME, right?
Kendra: Yeah, I guess.
Tracy: Jus-just think about it. All I did was sleep wit yo’ moms, right?
Kendra: Ooh, son of a BITCH!
Bystander #2: Ehhh, lost her on that one, lost her on that.
Bystander #1: Yeah, not, not good.
Kendra: You take yo’ Garfield phone … [ throws it out ] … and don’t forget this stupid-ass …
Kendra: … self-portrait! [ throws out a painting of a green and red face ]
Tracy: No, not the self-portrait! The dude at the Y said I was a natural!
Kendra: And don’t forget this damn snake! [ throws it out; Tracy catches it ]
Tracy: Not King Arthur!
Kendra: You tell yo’ moms to take care of that slimy bastard.
Tracy: [ puts the snake on his shoulders ] Listen, it was a accident, I SWEAR!
Kendra: Oh, save it, cornball!
Tracy: Damn! Come on …
Kendra: Oh, by the way, I found your porno tapes! [ tosses them out ]
Tracy: [ to bystanders ] I thought I hid those pretty good.
Bystander #1: Wow.
Bystander #2: Yeah.
[ The bystanders watch as more and more tapes hit the ground ]
Bystander #2: How big is your closet, dude?
Tracy: Now … those aren’t all porn, some of those are karate tapes.
Bystander #2: Yeah, right.
Kendra: [ throwing more items out ] And here is your penile pump … and your penis enlargement pills … and your stay-hard cream!
Tracy: Not — wait, whoa — not only are those not all mine, but those don’t even work!
Bystander #3: I’ll give you fifty cents for that cream. [ hands him two quarters ]
Tracy: Sold. [ takes the quarters; Bystander #3 takes the tube of cream and leaves ]
Kendra: Oh yeah … and don’t forget yo’ punk-ass cousin Kenny! [ tosses a body out the window; Kenny gets up and limps away ]
Tracy: Wait — baby, he’s just crashin’ till his pad is good and ready!
Kendra: He’s been here for six months!
Tracy: I know, baby, you’re right!
Kendra: Oh, and here your stuffed bear go!
Tracy: Wait a minute, I gave you that bear, remember?
Kendra: That was before you had sex with my MUVV-ah!
Tracy: I know. But I only made love to yo’ moms so that I could know how it would feel to make love to you twenty years from now!
Kendra: [ has a change of heart ] … Really?
Bystander #1: She bought that?
Tracy: [ to bystanders ] SHHHH! [ to Kendra ] Yes, really! … You my girl, y’know. I wanna grow old wit’chu.
Kendra: I wanna grow old wit’chu, too.
Tracy: I love you, Kendra.
Kendra: I love you too, daddy. … I’m sorry I threw your clothes on the ground. And all them things for your ding-dong. Will you forgive me?
Tracy: Yeah, yeah, I forgive you.
Kendra: [ smiles ] Well why don’t you come up here and we can make up all proper-like?
[ The two bystanders leave ]
Tracy: What — looks like it’s Hammer Time! [ picks up the purple cape ] Oh yeah! Oh — wait a minute.
Kendra: What’s wrong, what’s wrong?
Tracy: I gotta catch up with that dude with the cream! [ runs away ]
[ Applause, fade to black ]
Submitted by: G. Gomez