Profiles In Jazz
Jack Perkins…..Darrell Hammond
Alberta Jones…..Queen Latifah
Friend/Louis Armstrong…..Tracy Morgan
Della Peyton…..Maya Rudolph
Kelvyn Delongpre…..Fred Armisen
Rufus Monroe…..Dean Edwards
[ dissolve to the haggard-as-usual Jack Perkins on his part of the set, holding up a drink of something strong ]
Announcer: Youre watching A&E, which means youre old, or youre asleep and accidentally rolled over onto the remote control. Coming up at 11:00 on A&E, it’s.. “Biography”: The Guy Who Played Dauber on “Coach”, Bill Fager- something.. But, first.. “Profiles In Jazz”.
Jack Perkins: Welcome to “Profiles In Jazz”. I’m Jack Perkins. I used to host “Biography’, but, apparently, the pansies upstairs thought my drinking was becoming a problem. I don’t think I have a drinking problem! I drink, I get drunk; I pass out naked in the middle of the A&E Christmas party! No problemo! [ pause ] Anyway.. back in 1926, down in tiny Mecklenberg, Mississippi.. one of the biggest, most controverial voices in jazz was about to burst onto the scene. Miss Alberta Jones.[ dissolve to a remembrance by an anonymous friend ]
Friend: I first saw Alberta Jones in 1924. I was walking down the street, and she had cracked me clean across the face with a Louisville Slugger! Now, she had thought I was the guy who stole her icebox! I did still her icebox! But the thing about Alberta was that she sang about things that other people wouldn’t – especially the females! [ laughing ] And I’m talking about sexual things here! Her songs were filled with sexual innuendos! Like that one song.. that one song.. “Milkman’s Blues”![ dissolve to archive black-and-white footage of Alberta Jones singing in a smoky nightclub ]
Alberta Jones: [ singing ]“The milkman came around
Brought me a jar of his love.
Yeah, he brought me fresh cream
Said he wouldn’t wear no glove.
Every time the milkman came around
I knew I was gonna get laid!”
Della Peyton: Y-yeah, you see.. if you listen very carefully.. the song wasn’t just about a milkman delivering milk.. it was also about sexual intercourse, you see.. The part that gives it away is when she say she gonna get laid.. One of my favorites was a saucy little tune called “Joe The Plumber”.
Alberta Jones: [ singing ]“That man, Joe The Plumber
He sure know how to lay your pipes.
He can unclog my drain
Up to ten times a night.
Just to be clear,
the drain refers to my sexual organs
Hey, Mr. Plumber..
Whaddaya say we hump?”
Kelvyn Delongpre: The 20’s were a really transformative time for Jazz, and the African-American diaspora as a whole. These songs were a mode of reclaiming the sexuality that had long been suppressed by the social racial status quo.[ dissolve to remembrance by former lover Kelvyn Delongpre ]
Kelvyn Delongpre: Yeah.. Alberta Jones was pretty much jusy a ho! I mean, she’d do the nasty with just about anyone! Man.. women.. old people.. cigar store Indian.. you name it![ dissolve to another archive black-and-white footage of Alberta Jones singing in a smoky nightclub ]
Alberta Jones: [ singing ]“Let’s make whoopee in a park
Let’s make whoopee in a car
Let’s make whoopee in a tree
Ohh.. let’s make whoopee..In.. my.. butt!”
Jack Perkins: When she died at the age of 29, due to what scientists called a “perfect storm” of venereal diseases, Alberta left behind osme of the Blues’ most poetic and timeles classics. Songs like: “Butt Party”.. “I Don’t Do Oral”.. “Weiner Patrol”.. “Okay, Fine, I’ll Do Oral”.. “Autumn Nocturn”.. “Teabags For Two”.. Alright, I’m not reading the rest of these. Her most famous song, of course, was her duet with Louis Armstrong, called “Lovin’ You”.
Louis Armstrong: “Loving you baby is all I wanna do.”
Alberta Jones: “Loving you baby is easy ‘cuz it’s true.”
Louis Armstrong: “I’m gonna flip you over sideways, and..”[ A black Censored bar appears over Armstring’s mouth, followed by a long bleeping noise commonly heard when TV shows bleep out offensive language ] [ dissolve back to Jack Perkins ]
Jack Perkins: We can’t show you any more of that twenty-four minute masterpiece! In fact, owning a copy of the recording is still a crime in several states! But, that was Alberta Jones. Songbird.. poetess.. legend.. old-fashioned ho bag. For A&E, I’m Jack Perkins. Nighty-nite!