02n: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite
Queen Latifah’s Monologue
The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands…..Maya Rudolph
Sir Mix-A-Lot…..Tracy Morgan
[ Shakespearean-like performers step forward and blow a trumpet fanfare ]
Queen Latifah: Yes! Thank you! Thank you very, very much! Oh, my God! It has been a crazy.. [ audience won’t stop clapping ] Alright. [ applause finally calms down ] I’ll tell you, it has been a crazy few months, yo! My movie “Bringing Down The House” out, it’s doing great! I did this movie “Chicago”, I got nominated for an Oscar! [ audience breaks into wild applause ] And it is great to be here in New York, but I want make sure I give it up to my peeples over in the illtown You know what I’m sayin’? You gotta remember where you come from!
Sebastian: Queen Latifah! We have
Queen Latifah: [ in heavy British accent ] Oh, my God! Sebastian! Sagamour! Now is not a good time!
Sagamour: The Kingdom of Latifah is in peril! Hordes of marauders are attacking our borders!
Queen Latifah: Oh, heavy hangs the head that wears the crown of the Kingdom of Latifah. Who dares attack the Latifians?!
Sebastian: There are new threats from old enemies. And the townspeople of Nellyville are living in constant fer!
Queen Latifah: Do you mean “fear”?
Sebastian: They say fer!
Sagamour: Meanwhile, there’s a wizardice named Missy Elliot – she speaks in tongues!
Queen Latifah: Tongues?
Sagamour: She keeps chanting.. “Bremenemin Nerhur! Bremenemin Nerhur!”
Sebastian: On our northern borders, the armies have Cool J have returned to harass the Latifians!
Sagamour: We never thought the House of Cool J would come back!
Queen Latifah: Don’t call it a “comeback”! He’s been there for years! And what of the Latifian army?! Have you contacted the Fresh Prince?
Sebastian: Yes! But, sadly, weve only heard back from DJ Jazzy Jeff. He calls a lot. I mean – a lot.
The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands: Your Highness!
Queen Latifah: My goodness.. it is my sister, the Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands.
The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands: Please.. call me Cad Tlakwa. Your kingdom needs you. I don’t understand what you have to gain by dwelling amongst.. the commoners.
Queen Latifah: I’m the ambassador from the Latifians to the rest of the world! That is why I became the First Lady of Hip Hop.
The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands: True.
Queen Latifah: And, that’s why I did a show entitled.. “Living Single”.
The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands: Ohhhhh! That was you?! That show was funny! Yeah! Tootie grew up cute, too!
Queen Latifah: [ laughs ] Didn’t she, though! And that’s why I’m going to the Oscars!
The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands: Baby girrrrl!! Who you sittin’ next to?
Queen Latifah: Girl, Daniel Day-Lewis!
The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands: Mmm! Mmm! Love me that white sugar![ Sir Mix-A-Lot, actually dressed as a knight in armor, makes his entrance ]
Sir Mix-A-Lot: Yo, Queen! The enemy has been defeated!
Queen Latifah: What?! What great news, Sir Mix-A-Lot!
Sir Mix-A-Lot: Yeah, that’s good, but it took me a fortnight to get here on my Stallion Escalade! Got pulled over six times – a black man can’t own a white horse in this town!
Queen Latifah: Oh, dear.. how can I ever repay you, Sir Mix-A-Lot?
Sir Mix-A-Lot: I cannot lie. I like big butts! [ singing ] “I like big butts, and I cannot lie!“
Queen Latifah: Okay! Okay, Tracy, we get it! Okay, we got a great show for you tonight! Ms. Dynamite is here! Yeah! so, stick around, we’ll be right back!