Live! With Regis & Kelly
Regis Philbin…..Darrell Hammond
Kelly Ripa…..Amy Poehler
Frenchie Davis…..Queen Latifah
[ open on show logo ]
Announcer: It’s “Live! With Regis & Kelly!” Today, we’ve got controversial “American Idol” contestant, Frenchie Davis; from “Old School”, Dan Finnerty; plus: Wild, Wild Travel Trivia! Now, here are Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa![ to Regis & Kelly entering the set and taking their seats ]
Regis Philbin: Well, well, well, well! Good morning, everybody!
Kelly Ripa: Hellooooo!! Hello!
Regis Philbin: Look who’s visiting us today from her maternity leave!
Kelly Ripa: Good morning!
Regis Philbin: [ getting right to the show, earnestly without interruption ] Have you seen the Post today? On Page..
Kelly Ripa: You guys, I am still.. TIRED.. from that delivery!
Regis Philbin: On Page.. On Page 3, it says “Ripa Rips One Out!” That’s the headline!
Kelly Ripa: We thought there was only one baby in there.. but there was a litter of EIGHT BABIES in my belly!
Regis Philbin: They’re writing articles about the delivery!
Kelly Ripa: And I delivered them without psinkillers!
Regis Philbin: People have babies every day! It’s not that unusual!
Kelly Ripa: And, the next day, I shot a shampoo commercial! [ laughs ]
Regis Philbin: Now.. I’ve been in television 51 years..
Kelly Ripa: Hoo, my mom is 51!
Regis Philbin: I never once got press like this! Not one time!
Kelly Ripa: Never!
Regis Philbin: Well, anyway.. I understand you brought some.. pictures of the new babies?
Kelly Ripa: Yes. This is Jake..[ show picture of baby ]
Regis Philbin: Adorable.
Kelly Ripa: This is Lily..
Regis Philbin: Precious.
Kelly Ripa: This is Wakeem..[ show picture of baby ]
Regis Philbin: Oh, my.
Kelly Ripa: This is Maggie..[ show picture of baby ]
Regis Philbin: So cute!
Kelly Ripa: This is Mark, Jr..[ show picture of baby ]
Regis Philbin: Sweetheart.
Kelly Ripa: This is Gracie..[ show picture of baby ]
Regis Philbin: Gorgeous.
Kelly Ripa: This is Consuela..[ show picture of baby ]
Regis Philbin: Adorable!
Kelly Ripa: And this is Pee-Wee![ show picture of baby ]
Regis Philbin: Not that cute. Well, that’s terrific. [ looks offscreen ] How are you today, Gelman?[ cut to Gelman standing next to the camera, wearing a gay Mexican sombrero ]
Gelman: I’m great, Reege!
Regis Philbin: What’d you do this weekend, Gelman?
Gelman: Well, my wife has that flu that’s going around.. so, I took in a few piano bars.
Regis Philbin: Alright, uh.. who’s our first guest today, Gelman?
Gelman: Frenchie Davis.
Kelly Ripa: Ah! She has such a good voice, Reege!
Regis Philbin: Yeah. She got kicked off “American Idol”, and this girl is good. I mean, she could have been the next Sarah Vaughn!
Kelly Ripa: [ laughing ] I don’t know who that is, Regis! WHO IS THAT?!!
Regis Philbin: [ stunned silence at first ] Please welcome.. [ Kelly wraps her arms around Regis’ torso ] Careful, or we’ll BOTH get pregnant! [ Kelly giggles ] Please welcome Frenchie Davis![ Frenchie Davis enters set and sits across from Regis & Kelly ]
Frenchie Davis: Thank you for having me, Reggie!
Regis Philbin: Frenchie, welcome to the show.
Frenchie Davis: Thank you for having me, Reggie.
Regis Philbin: Now, for those of you who don’t know, Frenchie was a leading contender on “American Idol”, when, all of a sudden, she pops her bobs out on a dirty website, and she gets disqualified!
Frenchie Davis: That’s right, Reggie. ‘Cause you know, FOX is such a classy network, I guess my.. my intimate pictorial was a little too risque for them. But, if y’all want to see it, go to cocoajugs.com!
Regis Philbin: Have you seen this? The internet website? In my day, if you wanted to see naked ladies, you had to put on your coat, get change for a quarter, and walk down to 42nd St. Am I right, Gelman?
Gelman: [ shaking head, smiling ] I wouldn’t know, Reege!
Regis Philbin: Frenchie, why did you do it? Why did you pose topless?
Frenchie Davis: Because, Reggie.. I mean.. I may not have long, blonde hair, or be a slender 160 pounds.. but I love my body! I love it! I really do. And I think I’m very sexy! And, also, depending on where you at in life, $25 can seem like a lot of money, you know what I’m saying?
Regis Philbin: But you got disqualified!
Kelly Ripa: Oh, it is so unfair, Reege. ‘Cause so many stars posed nude on the way up. Madonna, Vaness Williams..
Regis Philbin: Jayne Mansfield.
Kelly Ripa: Ugh! I don’t know who that is, Reege! [ wrapping her arms all over Regis’ body, practically copping a seductive feel ] Who is that! [ wraps her left leg across Regis’ lap ] Who is she![ at this point, Darrell Hammond does what he can to refrain from laughing at Amy Poehler’s over-the-top portrayal of Kelly Ripa ]
Regis Philbin: I don’t remember! Alright.. now.. alright.. Frenchie.. Simon Cowell. Simon Cowell, is he really mean or is he a nice guy?
Frenchie Davis: Hmm.. well, Reggie, I never had a prblem with Simon, ’cause I can sang. You know, I’m not like some of these rhyme-star Nikki McKibbin mofos!
Regis Philbin: A bunch of mofos!
Kelly Ripa: You know.. I bet Simon’s a lot like you, Reege.. he seems really gruff and grumpy, but, deep down, he’s just as cute as a little bug’s ear, Big Daddy! [ pinches Regis’ cheeks ]
Regis Philbin: Gelman.. Am I cute as a bugs ear, Gelman?
Gelman: Dont go there, Reege!
Kelly Ripa: Now, Frenchie.. Frenchie.. are they gonna bring you back on “American Idol”, right at the end? ‘Cause I think that would be great! As like a surprise twist!
Frenchie Davis: Well.. the way I left it with the people at FOX was.. if they wanted me to come back on the show, they could contact my natural black ass![ Regis and Kelly laugh uproariously ]
Regis Philbin: [ peers straight at the camera, arms extended ] That’s wonderful!
Kelly Ripa: Okay, alright.. Frenchie, would you sing something for us today.. please? Please?
Regis Philbin: Please, Frenchie.
Frenchie Davis: [ talked into it ] Okay.. sure. This is my signature song. It’s from “Dream Girls”. Hit it!
[ singing ]“And I am telling you
I’m not going.
No, you’re the best man I’ll ever know.
There’s no way I can ever go.
No, no, no, no way.”
“No, no, no, no way I’m living without you.No, I’m not living without you…”
Regis Philbin: That’s incredible! That’s so loud![ Kelly re-enters frame, with noticeable weight suddenly in her stomach ]
Kelly Ripa: Oh, my God! Look what happened!
Frenchie Davis: [ still singing ]“Oh!
She knocked up again!
Knocked up again..!”
Regis Philbin: When we come back: Wild, Wild Travel Trivia!
Frenchie Davis: [ continues to sing ]“Wild Travel Trivia!