Live! With Regis & Kelly


02n: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

Live! With Regis & Kelly

Regis Philbin…..Darrell Hammond
Kelly Ripa…..Amy Poehler
Gelman…..Chris Kattan
Frenchie Davis…..Queen Latifah


[ open on show logo ]

Announcer: It’s “Live! With Regis & Kelly!” Today, we’ve got controversial “American Idol” contestant, Frenchie Davis; from “Old School”, Dan Finnerty; plus: Wild, Wild Travel Trivia! Now, here are Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa!

[ to Regis & Kelly entering the set and taking their seats ]

Regis Philbin: Well, well, well, well! Good morning, everybody!

Kelly Ripa: Hellooooo!! Hello!

Regis Philbin: Look who’s visiting us today from her maternity leave!

Kelly Ripa: Good morning!

Regis Philbin: [ getting right to the show, earnestly without interruption ] Have you seen the Post today? On Page..

Kelly Ripa: You guys, I am still.. TIRED.. from that delivery!

Regis Philbin: On Page.. On Page 3, it says “Ripa Rips One Out!” That’s the headline!

Kelly Ripa: We thought there was only one baby in there.. but there was a litter of EIGHT BABIES in my belly!

Regis Philbin: They’re writing articles about the delivery!

Kelly Ripa: And I delivered them without psinkillers!

Regis Philbin: People have babies every day! It’s not that unusual!

Kelly Ripa: And, the next day, I shot a shampoo commercial! [ laughs ]

Regis Philbin: Now.. I’ve been in television 51 years..

Kelly Ripa: Hoo, my mom is 51!

Regis Philbin: I never once got press like this! Not one time!

Kelly Ripa: Never!

Regis Philbin: Well, anyway.. I understand you brought some.. pictures of the new babies?

Kelly Ripa: Yes. This is Jake..

[ show picture of baby ]

Regis Philbin: Adorable.

Kelly Ripa: This is Lily..

[ show picture of baby ]

Regis Philbin: Precious.

Kelly Ripa: This is Wakeem..

[ show picture of baby ]

Regis Philbin: Oh, my.

Kelly Ripa: This is Maggie..

[ show picture of baby ]

Regis Philbin: So cute!

Kelly Ripa: This is Mark, Jr..

[ show picture of baby ]

Regis Philbin: Sweetheart.

Kelly Ripa: This is Gracie..

[ show picture of baby ]

Regis Philbin: Gorgeous.

Kelly Ripa: This is Consuela..

[ show picture of baby ]

Regis Philbin: Adorable!

Kelly Ripa: And this is Pee-Wee!

[ show picture of baby ]

Regis Philbin: Not that cute. Well, that’s terrific. [ looks offscreen ] How are you today, Gelman?

[ cut to Gelman standing next to the camera, wearing a gay Mexican sombrero ]

Gelman: I’m great, Reege!

Regis Philbin: What’d you do this weekend, Gelman?

Gelman: Well, my wife has that flu that’s going around.. so, I took in a few piano bars.

Regis Philbin: Alright, uh.. who’s our first guest today, Gelman?

Gelman: Frenchie Davis.

Kelly Ripa: Ah! She has such a good voice, Reege!

Regis Philbin: Yeah. She got kicked off “American Idol”, and this girl is good. I mean, she could have been the next Sarah Vaughn!

Kelly Ripa: [ laughing ] I don’t know who that is, Regis! WHO IS THAT?!!

Regis Philbin: [ stunned silence at first ] Please welcome.. [ Kelly wraps her arms around Regis’ torso ] Careful, or we’ll BOTH get pregnant! [ Kelly giggles ] Please welcome Frenchie Davis!

[ Frenchie Davis enters set and sits across from Regis & Kelly ]

Frenchie Davis: Thank you for having me, Reggie!

Regis Philbin: Frenchie, welcome to the show.

Frenchie Davis: Thank you for having me, Reggie.

Regis Philbin: Now, for those of you who don’t know, Frenchie was a leading contender on “American Idol”, when, all of a sudden, she pops her bobs out on a dirty website, and she gets disqualified!

Frenchie Davis: That’s right, Reggie. ‘Cause you know, FOX is such a classy network, I guess my.. my intimate pictorial was a little too risque for them. But, if y’all want to see it, go to cocoajugs.com!

Regis Philbin: Have you seen this? The internet website? In my day, if you wanted to see naked ladies, you had to put on your coat, get change for a quarter, and walk down to 42nd St. Am I right, Gelman?

Gelman: [ shaking head, smiling ] I wouldn’t know, Reege!

Regis Philbin: Frenchie, why did you do it? Why did you pose topless?

Frenchie Davis: Because, Reggie.. I mean.. I may not have long, blonde hair, or be a slender 160 pounds.. but I love my body! I love it! I really do. And I think I’m very sexy! And, also, depending on where you at in life, $25 can seem like a lot of money, you know what I’m saying?

Regis Philbin: But you got disqualified!

Kelly Ripa: Oh, it is so unfair, Reege. ‘Cause so many stars posed nude on the way up. Madonna, Vaness Williams..

Regis Philbin: Jayne Mansfield.

Kelly Ripa: Ugh! I don’t know who that is, Reege! [ wrapping her arms all over Regis’ body, practically copping a seductive feel ] Who is that! [ wraps her left leg across Regis’ lap ] Who is she!

[ at this point, Darrell Hammond does what he can to refrain from laughing at Amy Poehler’s over-the-top portrayal of Kelly Ripa ]

Regis Philbin: I don’t remember! Alright.. now.. alright.. Frenchie.. Simon Cowell. Simon Cowell, is he really mean or is he a nice guy?

Frenchie Davis: Hmm.. well, Reggie, I never had a prblem with Simon, ’cause I can sang. You know, I’m not like some of these rhyme-star Nikki McKibbin mofos!

Regis Philbin: A bunch of mofos!

Kelly Ripa: You know.. I bet Simon’s a lot like you, Reege.. he seems really gruff and grumpy, but, deep down, he’s just as cute as a little bug’s ear, Big Daddy! [ pinches Regis’ cheeks ]

Regis Philbin: Gelman.. Am I cute as a bug’s ear, Gelman?

Gelman: Don’t go there, Reege!

Kelly Ripa: Now, Frenchie.. Frenchie.. are they gonna bring you back on “American Idol”, right at the end? ‘Cause I think that would be great! As like a surprise twist!

Frenchie Davis: Well.. the way I left it with the people at FOX was.. if they wanted me to come back on the show, they could contact my natural black ass!

[ Regis and Kelly laugh uproariously ]

Regis Philbin: [ peers straight at the camera, arms extended ] That’s wonderful!

Kelly Ripa: Okay, alright.. Frenchie, would you sing something for us today.. please? Please?

Regis Philbin: Please, Frenchie.

Frenchie Davis: [ talked into it ] Okay.. sure. This is my signature song. It’s from “Dream Girls”. Hit it!
[ singing ]“And I am telling you
I’m not going.
No, you’re the best man I’ll ever know.
There’s no way I can ever go.
No, no, no, no way.”

[ show Gelman bouncing his head happily ]

“No, no, no, no way I’m living without you.No, I’m not living without you…”

Regis Philbin: That’s incredible! That’s so loud!

[ Kelly re-enters frame, with noticeable weight suddenly in her stomach ]

Kelly Ripa: Oh, my God! Look what happened!

Frenchie Davis: [ still singing ]“Oh!
She knocked up again!
Knocked up again..!”

Regis Philbin: When we come back: Wild, Wild Travel Trivia!

Frenchie Davis: [ continues to sing ]“Wild Travel Trivia!
Wiiiiilllldd..”

[ cue logo card, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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