Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey


02n: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Tina Fey
…..Jimmy Fallon
Khalid Shaikh Mohammed…..Horatio Sanz
Dustin Hoffman…..Jeff Richards
Trevor the Broadway Guy…..Chris Parnell

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Centre, this is Weekend Update, with Jimmy Fallon, and Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.

In a prime-time press conference Thursday night, President Bush waid that, when it comes to attacking Iraq, “We really don’t need anybody’s permission.” Then, he went like this: [ mimes pointing guns in the air, making shooting sound effects ]

Starting tomorrow, Bill Clinton and Bob Dole will appear in a series of televised debates on “60 Minutes”. The debates will serve to remind Americans what “real” leaders sound like when they talk.

An original work by Saladore Dali has been stolen, from the lobby of the men’s jail at Riker’s Island. When asked how this could happen, a spokesman for the city explained, “We put a priceless piece of art in a prison.”

This past weekend, Jerry Seinfeld’s wife Jessica gave birth to their second child. His name is Julian, and it’s still unclear what the deal with him is.

Tina Fey: Last week, CIA agents, working in conjunction with Pakistani police, captured Al Quada Operations Chief Khalid Shaikh Mohammed.

Jimmy Fallon: Here now, with a Weekend Update exclusive.. Khalid Shaikh Mohammed!

Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: Thanks for having me!

Tina Fey: Okay. So, as Al-Quada’s Operations Officer, are you the key to finding Osama bin Laden?

Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: That’s a good question. But, first, there’s something mroe important I’d like to address. [ holds up press photo of himself, in all his squallid glamour ] Is the best picture you could find of me? Come on, man, look at this! You don’t drag someone out of bed at four in the morning and take their picture, dude! This is ridiculous!

Jimmy Fallon: You know, you haven’t.. you haven’t really answered the question..

Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: Yeah, look at this! I look like ron Jeremy in a pillowcase, man! Aw, seriously, bro! I look like the “Time to make the donuts” guy! You know, of Dunkin Donuts?

Tina Fey: [ joining in the fun ] You look like a reject from “My Big Fat Greek Weding”!

Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: [ pleased with the comment ] Ohhhh, topical! Yeah, that’s a good one, Tina Fey! Yes, I am one hairy dude, man. Yes. I make Robin Williams look like Bull from “Night Court”!

Jimmy Fallon: [ confused ] Bull from “Night Court”?

Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: Yeah! You know, the big bald one, man!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, I know, I got the joke! What’s going on with the, uh.. t-shirt collar there? What, is he trying to bring back the scoop-neck t-shirt?

Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: Aw, give me a break, bro.. be cool. Those are my jammies, man! I like to get comfy, you know, in my bed. Aw, man.. I look like a Mario Brother had sex with a Brillo Pad, man! Come on!

Tina Fey: Yeah, I gotta agree with you there. Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, everybody!

Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: Not cool, man!

Thursday marks the first flight of Hooters Air – a low-cost airline that will feature young women in hotpants and tank tops serving snacks. And, in the event of an emergency, the women can be used as a floatation device.

Thanksgiving came early this year, as Macy’s new Aretha Franklin balloon made its way down Central Park West. [ show image of Aretha Franklin balloon sideways held by strings over the street ]

New Hampshire public health officials have initiated a program to help reduce health care costs associated with falls by the elderly. The program is called Just Sit There Until You Die.

It was anounced this week that Kevin Bacon has signed on to star in “The Woodsman”, in which he plays a chld molester recently released from prison. Even weirder, it’s the sequel to “Footloose”.

Tina Fey: In honor of Women’s history month, the Women’s museum of Dallas has developed a list of 10 influential women in U.S. history, and put their images on a series of trading cards. Hey, kids! It’s the Great women of U.S. History! Collect all.. ten!

Jimmy Fallon: According to new federal statistics, San Antonio has the largest percentage of obese adults in the United States. Remember the Alamo? More like, Remember the a la Mode! [ laughs ]

Tina Fey: I hate you.

Jimmy Fallon: A totally good one, right!

Tina Fey: Idiot.

[ a knock is heard offscreen ]

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, my God! Tina, is there someone at the Update door?

Tina Fey: Yeah! I’ll get it! [ opens the door ] Oh, Jimmy, look who it is! It’s Oscar-winning actor Dustin Hoffman! Fresh from the Grammys!

Dustin Hoffman: Hi, Tina, how are you? Look, I want to be very, very, very clear to you that, uh.. [ makes his laughter-sniff ] I, uh.. I didn’t host the Grammys.

Tina Fey: But, you were there.. right? There’s a lot of.. big stars, and..

Dustin Hoffman: The Grammys.. were hosted by New York! In New York.. City! Just like.. Weekend Update isn’t hosted by any one person.. [ laughter-sniff ] It’s hosted by New York.. and the people.. are the Grammys.. of New York City! [ claps ] New York! Grammys!

Tina Fey: Actually.. Jimmy and I host Weekend Update. We host Weekend Update.

Dustin Hoffman: [ laughter-sniff ] Just because.. I’m up here.. doesn’t mean I’m hosting Weekend Update, Tina. [ laughter-sniff ] The Grammys.. the Grammys.. are hosting.. Weekend Update.. in New York! New York.. Grammy City.. Grammy! York! And New York! Grammys!

Jimmy Fallon: I’ve seen the Grammys, I know what to do.. Hey, Dustin, uh.. why don’t you just introduce the band? Introduce the band, will’ya?

Dustin Hoffman: Oh.. [ laughter-sniff ] Ladies and gentlemen.. Bruce.. String-bean.. and the Easy Street Band.. and New York! The greatest city in New York! The Grammys!

Tina Fey: Dustin Hoffman, everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: Good to see you, Dustin.

The record for Longest Marriage was broken this week, when a pair of childhood sweethearts celebrated their 79th wedding anniversary. Reached for comment, the husband said, “Dear God, when is this excruciating hell gonna end?”

Chazz Palminteri will star in more Vanilla Coke commercials, starting March 11th. It’s a smart move by Coke, because I think most Americans say to themselves “I want to drink what Chazz Palminteri drinks.”

Jimmy Fallon: This weekend, 18 musicals were shut down on Broadway, so musicians went on strike and actors refused to cross the picket line..

[ Trevor the Broadway Guy suddenly jumps in front of the Update desk, dressed a piano keys scarf ]

Trevor the Broadway Guy: [ singing ]“When I was four years old
I saw my first Broadway shoooow
I guess you could say I caught
the bu-u-u-u-u-ugg!”

Jimmy Fallon: Great.. it’s Trevor the Broadway Guy..

Trevor the Broadway Guy: [ singing ]“The lights!
The dancers!
The musiiiiicc!
Where’s the music?
Where is the musiiiic?
Where did the music goooooo?

Pre-recorded music’s from the pit
That’s the pits!

Tina Fey: Okay, Trevor, that’s enough..

Trevor the Broadway Guy: [ singing ]“Broadway is live!
And live, it should be!
Nothing should be canned
except maybe pea-ea-eace!
And pea-ea-eace.
And pea-ea-eace.
And pea-ea-eace!
And pea-ea-eace!
And pea-ea-eace!
And pea-ea-eace!
And pea-ea-ea-ea-ea-ea-eace!”

Jimmy Fallon: Enough!! Trevor the Broadway Guy, everybody.

A woman has filed a $35 million lawsuit against “Lord of the Dance” star Michael Flatley, alleging that he attacked and sexually assaulted her – apparently without ever using his arms.

“Married By America” contestant, Denise, is expected to be removed from FOX’s new reality series, after it was revealed that she is still married. Meanwhile, Candy was thrown off of FOX’s “Vagina Auction” for having dude parts.

Jimmy Fallon: It’s a good episode this week.

Tina Fey: Yeah. It was a good “Vagina Auction” this week.

Jimmy Fallon: Big ratings.

A group of students at Harvard University caused controversy by sculpting a nine-foot penis out of ice on campus. The sculpture had to be taken down after ten Wellesley girls got their tongues stuck to it.

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[ Jimmy is about the throw his pencil, but Thomas Jefferson comes along and takes it to sign a copy of the Constitution ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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