Bush Press Conference
President George W. Bush…..Chris Parnell
Kathy Davis…..Maya Rudolph
Kevin Miller…..Will Forte
Rev. Phillips…..Fred Armisen
Helen Thomas…..Rachel Dratch
Nicole Haggeron…..Amy Poehler
Aint it Cool News Guy…..Horatio Sanz
Laurie Donovan…..Tina Fey
Ted Vitner…..Seth Meyers
Secret Service Agent…..Jeff Richards
[ open on exterior shot of the White House at night ]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, “Saturday Night Live”, normally seen at this time, will be delayed, so that we may bring you live coverage of the Presidential press conference.
[ dissolve to interior, Press Room, as President George W. Bush is greeted by anxious reporters and flashing cameras ]
President George W. Bush: Thank you. Thank you. Good evening. Last week, I held a press conference to.. [ sighs ] ..discuss with the American people the.. serious matters are facing our country and our world. Some people have claimed that the questions were too soft.. and did not challenge this administration’s position concerning the use of force in Iraq. Because of this.. I’ve decided to hold another press conference, in response to my previous press conference. I have invited the most diverse and respected media outlets to join me tonight.. and I have encouraged them to ask the tough questions. [ reporters wave their arms anxiously, Bush picks one out of the crowd ] Yes.
Kathy Davis: Kathy Davis, Pineapple Growers Trade Association Weekly. As we head into war, is it safe to say that pineapples continue to be safe and delicious?
President George W. Bush: Kathy.. [ considering his answer ] ..I would say “Yes”. I, uh.. I feel that whatever the political climate.. the taste and enjoyment of pineapples remains a constant. Uh.. next question. [ anxious reporters wave frantically ] Yes.
Kevin Miller: Kevin Miller, online Matchmaker dating services. Do you believe that there is someone out there for everyone, and, if so, is there a match for a man like Saddam Hussein?
President George W. Bush: Kevin.. I believe there’s a match for everyone. However.. until Saddam Hussein learns to be honest with himself.. he will never have a successful relationship. [ Bush acknowledges another reporter ] Yes.
Rev. Phillips: Hi. Rev. Phillips, from the Good Shephard church bulletin. Uh.. how has your faith soothed you during this trying time?
President George W. Bush: Thank you for that question, Reverand. Uh.. it is true that when in doubt, I look to the Bible for comfort and inspiration. And, as it says in the Book of Methiticus 21:12: “You shall descend on the moustached one with strength.. and rightiousness.. and with MOAB, the Mother of All Bombs.” [ Bush points out another reporter ] Yes.
Helen Thomas: Yes, Helen Thomas here, Mr. President. I have served in the Press Corps since the Kennedy administration, and, yet, do you know you completely ignored me at the last press conference?
President George W. Bush: Yes. Next question. [ points to another reporter ] Yeah.
Nicole Haggerton: Hi! Nicole Haggerton, Highlights Magazine! Our readers would like to know: “Why did the robber take a bath?”
President George W. Bush: [ leans in with his Secret Service agents to briefly discuss the question and its answer, then leans back to the press conference ] I believe it was “So he could make a clean getaway.” Anything else?
Nicole Haggerton: No.. you got it..
President George W. Bush: Now, let’s have some tough questions here. [ points ] Yeah. The chubby guy from “Ain’t It Cool?” News.
Aint it Cool News Guy: Hi, I have a serious question. How kick-ass is that new Matrix trailer? [ laughs ]
President George W. Bush: It is the opinion of this administration.. that it is totally kick-ass. [ points ] Over here. Yes.
Laurie Donovan: Hi. Laurie Donovan, annual Donovan Family Christmas Letter. Did you know that our son Bobby got accepted to Hobstra? And little Susan is loving her ballet classes!
President George W. Bush: Thank you, Laurie. And, uh.. and I would like to offer you and your family my condolences on the passing of, uh.. Mr. Whiskers.
Laurie Donovan: [ breaking into tears ] He was a cat, but he thought he was a person..!
President George W. Bush: I know that cat was like a member of the family to you. [ takes another question ] Yes.
Ted Vitner: [ wearing dark shades and sinister Tom Cruise smile ] Hey, uh.. Ted Vitner, President of the Tom Cruise Fan Club newsletter. This, uh.. this war is, uh.. “risky business”, is it not?
President George W. Bush: Well-played. I don’t think there’s anything I can add to that.
Helen Thomas: [ getting rowdy and desperate ] Mr. President!! Mr. President!! We need some straight answers! How can you justify bombing innocent Iraqis for oil! It is just outrageous..! [ chloroform is quickly covered over Helen’s mouth ]
President George W. Bush: I’m sorry, but I only have time for one last question. So, my apologies to.. Cat Fancy Magazine.. to Jumbo Word Search.. the Victoria’s Secret catalogue.. thank you all for taking time out to be here today. Uh.. yes.
Hobo: Uh, yeah.. Hobo Street News. Can I have a dollar?
President George W. Bush: Yes.
Hobo: And I have a follow-up. Can I have another dollar?
President George W. Bush: No. [ clears throat ]
Helen Thomas: Mr. President, you have not dealt with the main issue! You have yet to speak on the fact that half the people in this country do not want this war..! [ suddenly, a poison dart hits Helen’s neck ]
[ cut to Bush surrounded by his Secret Service agents. Secret Service agent over right shoulder hides a bamboo shoot in his jacket and smiles mischieviously. ]
President George W. Bush: Uh.. I couldn’t hear the last part of Helen’s question. But I do think I know what she wanted to say.. and that is, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”